"It's A Wonderful Life"

"Dear George, remember no man is a failure who has friends. Thanks for the wings, Love Clarence."

Strange, isn't it? Each man's life touches so many other lives. When he isn't around he leaves an awful hole, doesn't he?

And that is exactly how we felt this weekend. The people we didn't personally know, friends of friends, people who adopted themselves, people who cared, all kinds of people came to our "tasting party fundraiser." We raised almost $4,000 dollars to go towards the $9,700 dollars we have left.

I know it's just a movie, but I pretend it's not.  I can't image the feeling George Bailey must have had.  All those people in his house, coming to show him that they loved him.  People he never knew loved him.  People who loved people he loved, coming to love him.  People gave towards our adoption that didn't even know us!

I could say so much.  Kenney and I have so many thoughts swirling around in our heads.  God has used our adoption to teach us so, so very much.  His faithfulness, our lack of faith, His promises, our lack of trust, His mercies, His grace, His love.  We have had an incredible opportunity to have our eyes opened. The difference between knowing and seeing.  Jesus has become so much more real to us.

Thank you to every single person who has prayed, who has supported us, who gave to us without even knowing us. Thank you for helping us glorify our Father. Thank you for reminding us...

See George, you really had a wonderful life.

Pictures, Prayers, and Completly Sporadic

Literally minutes ago I received an email from our adoption agency with some updates on Isabell that I wanted to share.  Of course a new picture as well!

And so now, the reality of some things are really, really setting in.

Please pardon the complete randomness of this post, as I am doing it on a whim and totally just putting the thoughts in my head on this page.  I want to share this, and have something to go back and look at, so again, please understand the complete dis-organization!

Just looking at the picture and reading our updates we received, I realize we need so much prayer, so, so much prayer!  Isabell will be four on July 6th and doesn't walk at all yet.  I can see the way she is holding her body and arms in particular, and realize we have more than just clubbed hands and clubbed feet to deal with.  Her medical diagnosis she originally received may indeed be true (MOP/FOP).  If not that diagnosis then possibly some other "big" things to deal with.  We found out she doesn't speak either Cantonese or Mandarin, but a local dialect which is going to make us even learning a few words in advance nearly impossible.  She isn't potty trained.  Good news, she's not a picky eater they tell us though! She also weighs less than Noah (who thought that could be possible!) but is actually taller by nearly 3 inches than him!!!

Then, the biggy.... at least in my mind.  She has been, since found as a baby, in a foster home.  She has had the same foster mom and foster dad and one foster sister, who is the same age as her as well, and found as a baby too!  Oh does that hurt my heart tonight.  I watch my three kids play and realize how much they love each other, how important they are too each other.  I see so much improvement Noah has had because of Tommy and Audrey.  I see the way Audrey loves her brothers and loves playing with them.  I see how much they need each other and care for each other.  Just thinking about taking one of my children away from us, from the people they call mommy, daddy, sister, brother....I just cry.  I just break down and cry.  I can't think of any other response.

I am reminded that adoption is full of pain, suffering, and fear.  I am reminded that without sin, adoption would not exist.

I think of so many prayers I need right now.  Prayers for Isabell's health and what that is going to mean for our family.  Prayers for doctors, therapists, the right people at the right time is what we need.  Prayers for her healing.  I can not think of how she is going to feel towards us.  If you took me at age almost 4 from the people I love, the food, the language, the culture, the clothes, my toys, EVERYTHING.... and put me with a new family, culture, toys, food, language, well... I would probably hate you.  I know hate is a strong word, but I can't think of another that would be honest enough.

I know people like to "sugar-coat" these things, say it's all going to work out, say maybe it won't be that bad, maybe she'll just run to our arms and love us forever, but honestly, I do not feel God is preparing my heart for that.

the lines of a song have been in my head a couple days now, and I find them so fitting...

"I know I'm filled to be emptied again"

These words have been something I have been thinking about, and God has really been bringing to my attention daily.  This week alone, I've read four different posts on the subject, as well as heard two different radio programs.  (God has to sometimes kick me a bit it seems, before I get the point.) God has filled me up.  I manage my three kids great (most of the time).  This household for us, runs quite well, the daily routine, the schedule, the kids, Kenney, it's getting to be almost- dare I say- comfortable.  I like comfortable.  I like easy.  I like both a bit too much.  I find myself drawn towards comfort, drawn towards taking the easy way.  I have been reminded God didn't say the path was going to be easy for Christians.  I am reminded God didn't say it was going to be comfortable. 

What is coming up in the near future for our family is going to empty me.  I need God's grace and mercy.  I need to be weak so He can be strong.  I need to let go of my "comfortable" and "easy".  I need prayers.  I need to so desperately daily let go of myself.  I need to die to myself. 

Luke 9:23 And he said to all, “If anyone would come after me, let him deny himself and take up his cross daily and follow me.

I need to be reminded daily, what an important word for me. This isn't something, that I just learn and forget, and get to put a check mark on.  Every. Single. Day.  I need to die to myself.  I know I need this, I want so desperately to deny myself but, just like the apostle Paul says in Romans 7:15 For I do not understand my own actions. For I do not do what I want, but I do the very thing I hate. I realize so much I am a sinner.  I realize, that without Christ, I choose the easy way, the comfortable way.  I live for myself.  When Kenney said "who chooses this kind of thing" in his post, that is exactly what he was referring to.  As a sinner, he would NOT choose children with disabilities, children that cost too much, children a zillion miles away, as a sinner, he would choose the life that suited HIS needs best.  Oh, I praise God that He tells us that being crucified with Christ, the life we used to live according to the flesh, we can now live by faith in the Son of God, who loved us, and died for us.  I praise Him, that He lives in me, and daily I can die to myself, and live in Him.

Lastly, my heart carries such a burden for one particular little girl.  Isabell has a foster sister, who has many of the same special needs as she does, that has lived with her the entirety of both their lives.  They are not legally sisters, but by every other definition of what family and a sister is, she is that.  I do not have any answers on this one, only that she and I need prayer.  I knelt with Tommy tonight saying prayers, and over and over again, as on most nights, I find myself thinking about this little girl.  I do not know why this is on my heart, but I know God has a reason.  I covet prayers.  I feel my heart is so full of prayer requests, it really just might burst!

Isn't this little girl just the sweetest thing ever though?  She was created by my God, He knit her together in her mother's womb, He has a plan for her, He knows her heart, and loves her, and I will get to be a part of it all.  That is something to be so thankful for!

1 Samuel 16:7 ...For the LORD sees not as man sees:
 man looks on the outward appearance,
 but the LORD looks on the heart

This isn't how it's supposed to be...or is it?

--Posted by Kenney


As you know my amazing wife has a passion for writing and this is my turn at blogging...oh boy.


When I think back at "my" plans it did not include the current path we are on.


Rewind 10-15 years-


During college I had aspirations to be a musical performer.  I had my first piece of music published when I was 16 and thought the 'Polish Cowboy' was the next biggest thing to hit Nashville.  Laura teases me still after all these years but is still my biggest fan.  Nashville wasn't as excited about "the Polish Cowboy" as I was and didn't have the welcome wagon out for me I learned quickly that the door was closed for me.


Then in late my late teens and early 20's this awkward frame of mine started doing things with a baseball and bat that garnished a future with a certain motor town team and I was headed full steam until that door was closed for me with both ankles requiring lateral collateral ligament repairs. Door closed again.


Still passionate about baseball and those I played with, I took the education I received and started a sports management business.  A few years of success and being one of the youngest agents out there, I was out to show the world what "I" could do.  But, the lifestyle that goes with the off-field activities crept into me and too soon I found myself with a gambling problem, drinking problem and partying problem. Living by "worldly" standards I found myself searching and lost. At that time I met my wife, and I accepted Christ. Well, God and Laura weren't too thrilled about the sport's management business and that door was very quickly closed.


Laura and I married in 2006 and we began our life together planning our future.  We were blessed with Tommy in 2007 and felt the calling to adopt NOW and not AFTER we were done having our "own" children.  (note I cringe at using the word "own", as Noah, and any of my children, adopted or not ARE, my OWN) I tell the story all the time of the day in January 2008 when Laura called me at work and told me we needed to be in Russia in 2 weeks, which was completely out of the blue as our paperwork wasn't even completed yet; then she called me ten minutes later and told me she was pregnant.  We  looked to God and asked "do we continue with the adoption or do we only pursue one child at a time?"  We were reminded in scripture in Thessalonians 5:24 "He who calls you is faithful, and He will do it." It gave us comfort  in knowing we were not alone in this and His plan was unfolding.  A few weeks later and many flights to Russia, Noah arrived, shortly followed by Audrey being born healthy and no issues during the pregnancy.


It seemed like everything was going full steam until we decided to drive our future again. We drew plans for a 4500+ square foot house and even called it "Rustic Elegance".  Then as many felt the bubble pop on the housing market we were left with two houses, one that someone got a great deal on and one that a renter destroyed.  Of course, the destroyed one is the one we ultimately were going to tear down and build "Rustic Elegance" but with two mortgages, overseas many times and now 3 young kids under 3 we now live in the house that has both a golden harvest AND a rose colored tub!  I know you are jealous! We had been provided and blessed abundantly and when we tried to steer our future; you guessed it-someone closed the door.  (On a side note, I pause and thank God that during this time he sent my cousin Scott from Nashville up to help and for 6 weeks, he repaired the the inside of the house for us.  He felt the need to be there and help, and I think we would have lost our minds without him.)


You may have read the other posts regarding our craziness at that time and during that time our growing family of five in the 1800 square foot house with lovely harvest gold and rose colored bathrooms welcomed Laura's brother and sister in law into our home and their new baby as they needed a place to stay for 6 months... 2 1/2 years later they were able to move out into a home 10 minutes away so the kids can still see each other weekly. They sure do love each other like brothers and sisters instead of cousins. We decided taking care of the immediate need was more important than our future ones.  Now, we look back at 8 people, 2 dogs, 1 cat and 1 fish tank that cohabited in our house, and kinda miss it!


Crazy and hectic it was, but you know something?  That door was NEVER shut for us. Everything fell into place, and anything we tried to do other than live together and keep things the way they were just didn't work. Doors shut, and doors opened.


One of my closest friends taught me early in my walk with the Lord that sometimes it's good to not pray for doors to open in life, but to pray for doors to be closed that God doesn't want us going down.  Odd; this lesson was being taught to me only recently however in application the "doors" all along were being shut. Doors that I look back on and wonder if I did go through them what unknowns lay ahead, frighten me.


So, we are back in February of this year and I met with my two  friends that met everyThursday morning to encourage each other, read scripture and seek wisdom for our lives. I shared with them Laura and I felt our hearts being called to a door of adoption again, and honestly we just weren't sure. We prayed that if this was to be, or not, that God would close this door if he didn't want us going down it.


It was at this time we were looking at special needs children. Were we prepared for this? Again, we prayed for God to close the door if he didn't want us to go down that path.  But, with my employment, healthcare is provided readily and with Noah, and having 3-4 different therapists in our home weekly we just couldn't seem to close the door on special needs, it just seemed to be very loud and clear to us that we REALLY DO have the resources to take care of these children.  Then regarding children... I remember on our first trip to Russia sitting in the orphanage directors office; seeing the conditions and being so moved by the Spirit, I blurted out I want to adopt two instead of one.  It was too late in the game to call an audible so I told Laura if we were ever called down this road again, we would look at potentially adopting two.  Again we prayed for God to close the door if he only wanted us to adopt one.  The story of how we arrived at our two children is an amazing one, but another story in and of itself. Needless to say, the door remained very very open for us to adopt two.


In general our adoption process was quick and had no barriers or obstacles that MANY if not most adopting families encounter, Our door just kept staying open. Every single time we second guessed ourselves, faithfully God reminded us each and every time this door is open and for us to go down.  
We have struggled with where we have been led. (remember, we are still sinners living in a fallen world)  Five kids under five?  In fact, Tommy will still be four when they arrive home from China; so technically five kids under four?


Are we crazy? (don't answer that)-



The kiddos... reminding us of how blessed we already are!



Who in their right mind "chooses" this.  Already blessed with 3 children, who elects to take every penny found in the house and bank, and go out and bring home a child that is deaf and one that may never walk? Who does this? Who wants the stresses, the bills, the unknowns; who chooses that. Each time we have been led to this door and we have many times had the chance to close the door on our own, it remained not only open, but it seemed there was a giant shove behind us into it, and we have faithfully entered.


So is this how it is supposed to be?  If the doors haven't been shut, the answer is clear, for us. 

We hope and pray that with God much needed grace in our lives we can faithfully do what God wants of us, to one day hear..

Matthew 25:21  "Well done, good and faithful servant. You have been faithful over a little; I will set you over much.  Enter into the joy of your Master"

What I Need this Christmas.

What do you want for Christmas...?

The question flies around this time of the year and I've spent so much time thinking about what I want and what I need this year.

I see suffering around me. I feel daily the failure I am as the mommy GOD wants me to be. I worry about my kids. I worry about my marriage. I wonder sometimes how I will wake up in the morning and get my kids ready, let alone myself. I feel lost. I feel confused. I feel like my flesh wages such a warfare with my spirit. I want things I don't need. I am scared to death about the capabilities I will have as a mommy to Isabell and Caleb. Will I be what they need?  Will I be able to help their hearts heal?  Will we all learn sign-language enough to communicate to Caleb he is loved?  What if Isabell never walks?  What if we never recover financially?  I worry about our house. Will it be big enough?  Is it too big? I fight feelings of jealously over others homes and stuff and kids and marriages. I don't have the answers to the questions I am asked and feel the failure, the pressure. I don't say the things I need to say. I spend time with the lost, and don't share the gospel. I question my own heart.  I question my motives. I fail. Over and over again I fail. I sin.
What do I need for Christmas?

I need God HERE. With me. Helping me. Caring for me. Loving me. I need unconditional love. I need someone to look past my failures. I need God HERE.
Emmanuel, God with us.

Oh, those words they have medicated my soul. Emmanuel, my God has come to be with us.

Jesus was born a man. He was born in a stable. He was born in filthy conditions. Things like blood, sweat, feces, a placenta, an umbilical cord, pain, tears, they were present when Jesus was born. He was born just like you and I. Born to be a man WITH us. Rarely have I ever realized the humanness of His birth. Those words they just aren't "churchy." They just didn't fit in the manger scene I had. For me, Jesus' birth was almost un-touchable. Un-approachable. Something so Holy, I could not be a part of. Holy indeed, but human. Jesus came here, to live among our mess, our dysfunction, our sin, our failures. He came here.  Even more awe-invoking is the fact that He did this for us. He did this to save us from our rebellion to HIMSELF. While I was a sinner, cursing Him, not trusting Him, failing Him, denying Him, He came to live here with us in this mess, to be Emmanuel, God with us.

He came for the potty-mouth talking kids. He came for the greedy, for the jealous, for the moms who let their children down, for the lonely, for the liars, for the thieves, for those who deny Him, for those that work too much, for the sick, for the widow, for the orphan, for all of us, for me.

Emmanuel, God with us. He is NOT untouchable. He is not far away. He is here, with us.

This Christmas I need God with me. I need Emmanuel. Praise God He came. He is with us. It is my hearts desire this Christmas to share Emmanuel with my children. To show them Jesus is real, with us, approachable.  We can bring our real, filthy, weary, dirty selves to Him.

The real words out of Jesus' mouth:"Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest."
Matthew 11:28

What I learned from Noah

Hebrews 13:5  Never will I leave you, Never will I forsake you.

To my Noah,

You and me, we are a lot a like. We butt heads though. The love I have for you is a tough love, a love that isn't always evident or obvious. Sometimes, I don't do a very good job of showing you my love. Sometimes I fail you as a mommy.  But I want you to know that I love you because Jesus loves me, and loves you. He loved us first. His love for us was not because we loved Him. And so Noah, my love for you is not because of something you do, or because of your love for me.  I love you first, with, or without your love back. I love you.

We are sitting in your room today and I am asking you why you won't eat your now third meal of the day. It's so frustrating. We even had your favorite, dare I say it... chicken nuggets... for dinner, and yet you still refuse to eat. I know you are hungry. I know you are mad about something. I know you need to tell me, to use your words and share with me why it is you are angry. But you won't. You scowl, and throw a fit and have a meltdown, for now the third meal of the day.

Thoughts now run through my mind.  We've given you new clothes to wear. We've given you toys all of your own. You've gotten treats and meals and had a full tummy every day in our home. We tell you we love you, we tuck you in and hug and kiss you every night. We tell you every single day we will never leave you. We tell you and show you that you can trust us. We've met your needs. I expected you would soak up my love like a thirsty sponge.  And yet, you break your toys and could care less about them. You refuse to eat, you sometimes try hiding food in your mouth or not chewing or over stuffing your mouth and choking. You have been insatiably selfish, you always want more, nothing is ever enough for you. At night when you are scared and I hold you and tell you there is nothing to be afraid of, you still are afraid. You stiffen up like a board and do not find comfort in my arms.

Almost three years we've spent together and I find myself angry. I want so desperately for you to find comfort in your mommy. I want you to be happy and trust me. Trust me. And there I am sitting staring at you in your room. I have no idea how to proceed. I am fighting feelings of anger, and frustration. I find myself desperately praying for help. 

But our God, He is so merciful and so gracious.  His love for us, for me, is nothing short of amazing. Grace. I prayed for help. God gave me grace.

Grace. What a gift. There is no better a gift than grace. 

All the garbage in my life started circling in my head. 

I am God's adopted child. He has adopted me as His own. Given me a new life, clothed me in His righteousness. He has made me a co-heir with Jesus. I have an inheritance that is un-destroyable. He has blessed me. And yet, even today, I have asked for more. I have been given a warm and cozy home, and I treat it like it's not enough. I ask for more. I complain that I don't have enough, over and over again. I cry out in fear and God is there all-knowing my future, and I turn away. I do not seek Him for my comfort. I try and do it on my own. I rely on others, on myself, I do not hand it over to Him. God longs to be intimate with me, to show me the fullness of His presence, His freedom, His hope. I turn away. He promises He will never leave or forsake me, and I can be overcome with fear.  Without the Holy Spirit, I would continue to live my live as an orphan. I say I am His child, and daily I turn away from His banquet table and eat scraps. 

Noah, there is only one hope for us. Our God is a faultless father.  He knew us before the foundation of the earth. He was there when we breathed our first breath. He knit us together in our mother's wombs. He knows our thoughts, our fears. He knows exactly how to help us. He does not grow tired, or lose His temper. He loves us so much. He lovingly restores, forgives, and sanctifies us, all with a greater patience than we can imagine.

I am so thankful Noah, that I have you. God has given me a gift.  He has allowed you to show me how much I need Him. Without you Noah, I forget that I am just like you. You have humbled me, crushed some of my pride. I need so much refining and without you, I would have been content without change, and now I see how much my heart needs change, needs to be more and more like Christ. Without you, I would have been stuck. I am so happy that God loves me enough to change me and grow me. I am so thankful that you have given me a real and intimate picture of myself. God gives us what we need. I needed you, and am thankful for that.

I love you,
Love Mommy

Excuse the Dust

So I really wish I would have taken some computer classes.  I feel like my kids know more about computers than me.  Which is really sad. I just linked up a site that has some of my items I have been making for my craft shows I have been doing. This is a work in progress, so please excuse the lack of information, the links that probably all don't work, the lack of pictures, the lack of just about everything.  But, if all that doesn't bother you, please check out the site. Just click on the pictures of the owls to your right and it will take you to the site. If there is something you would really like and know I have made, but you don't see it, email me. If there is something you see and you don't see the color you want, email me.  If you are a friend, family member, or co-worker of course I will arrange to get the product to you with out any charge (I couldn't figure out shipping options) In short, just email me!

God has allowed us some upcoming money making opportunities, so hopefully they will help chip away at the about $7900.00 we have left to come up with.  Thank you to everyone who has helped support us in these crazy things we have decided to do.  It really means the world to us!

If my life were a line graph

So, it's been a while since I have been able to put my thoughts into writing... whew! 

I have about 5.2 million thoughts that I feel I need to write about, and about 5.2 second to do it all in.

In economics class you learn about graphs, and trends of graphs. If you failed economics, skip to the next paragraph, it will still make sense! These last couple of weeks have been a graph trend of UP. However, amongst those ups, there have been a bunch of downs.  I think actually more ups and more downs in just these little couple of weeks than in the "Year of Craziness" (that is what Kenney and I call 2009.)  Unfortunately I did not journal much during 2009 so I only have my memory...not the greatest.  So if my life were a line graph, this is what it would look like. Notice the end is better than the beginning.  However, there sure are some big "downs" along the way!

This post is to serve my memory when I forget in the future. 

DOWN:  I had to cancel Audrey's birthday party.  She's two.  Really, it's not a big deal. We still sang to her and went out for pizza with some family and the next day had her special pink star shaped ice cream cake with sprinkles and chocolate chips. (Yes, she picked every single one of those items!) But we didn't get to have the party, which really is again no big deal to the kids. Someone once said, the great thing about having lots of kids (or having lots of kids around) is on any given day you can have a party, and you do not need to invite anyone over!  Many days our house is a "party."  It really was me and Kenney who were bummed. We don't have people over to many times a year, and fall is just our favorite over here. We know our schedules hit super duper crazy soon so, rescheduling just isn't an option.

DOWN: In the beginning of October, Kenney's Honey Grams passed away. Those two weeks were challenging. We had to re-learn all about what death and dying means as Christians.  We had to learn again, what the bible teaches about death, and what the world teaches about death. Then we had to teach those truths in as simple and appropriate as possible to our children.  

UP:  Kenney sang with his cousin Bailey an amazing song "Glorious Day" that just reminded us over and over again why we are here, and what it's all about. It was music to our souls that day. It was the gospel. Oh we needed the gospel!

UP:  A friend that I would list in my top 5 of friends, that I talk to maybe once or twice a year called.  (Only after a couple days of my pity party though) She had stopped by and I sent her with some canned goods. She called the next morning, offering to buy (yep, with real money) almost a dozen jars of salsa. Then she stroked my ego and told me how much she loved it!  What a needed uplift.

UP:  And then, as if the uplift wasn't enough.  She had two great craft ideas that she said she could spend a day and help with. I needed that so much, God is so good!

DOWN:  We arrived home from Honey Grams funeral. Our kids are not the traveling, spend time in cars kinda kids. They don't sleep in car rides, and they like to be home. After two days of running around and being dressed up, and being in cars, they were tired and cranky... okay... little demons... to harsh...obnoxious and noisy. 

UP (THE REALLY BIG UP!!!!) The phone rings a little after we just had gotten home.  Kenney answers, passes the phone to me and says, "it's our agency, we just got both LSC's on our kids"  I got really sick... the butterfly in my stomach kinda sick. I take the phone and the woman repeats the exact thing Kenney just said to me. I asked her if she was sure, then I asked her again, she started talking about something... I interrupted and asked her if she was sure again. You see, we were not by the standard timeline supposed to get these LSC's  (which is China officially saying these babies are the Kolanowski's) until at the absolute earliest middle of December. Here it was October 14th, almost two MONTHS early. These babies are coming home. They are ours. They will have a family. It's official (in China.) I can post picture. I can request updates. I can tell the world!!  THEY ARE OURS!!

DOWN (THE REALLY BIG DOWN!!!!) We had planned on traveling sometime in late February, most likely end of March. That means we had about 5 months to raise/come up with/sell some body parts for the remaining money we need to complete the adoptions. (about 14,000 dollars) In the greater scheme of things we have come up with about 35,000 so far, so the amount left is not that much... but for real... 14 grand... THAT IS A LOT OF MONEY!  OH CRAP, that is is the next thought and words that came out of my mouth. We now have only 2-3 months to come up with the money. We could be traveling as soon as after Christmas, but most likely in January. We are scared. Our faith is being tested. 

UP:  I called a friend who is adopting as well to share the news. I shared I was freaked out!  She reminded me the verse in Thessalonians 5:24  "He who calls you is faithful, and He will do it."

UP:  Some family from Tennessee stopped over on their way home. They stopped to buy some salsa for our adoption funding, and left more money than they took salsa!  (Either that or the salsa is really that good!)

DOWN:  Still freaking out about how to come up with 14 grand!  I might have been sick this day...

UP:  We have the possibility of borrowing 6 grand from a friend, in the event we don't come up with the money and it's go time.

UP:  My mother in law came over and brought with craft supplies to help me come up with some ideas! She also was sent home with some crafts to complete herself! Thank you God, the help is coming through.

UP:  My sister in law offered to help with some crafts!!  She was sent home with projects to complete.

DOWN:  Tomorrow we leave for Phoenix for a 4 day Together For Adoption conference... I have not packed, planned, looked at the flight, hotel or conference arrangements. The kids are staying at Nana and Papa's.  have nothing put together for them. I have no idea what I need to bring. The house is a disaster. Audrey is not sleeping at all tonight. I am out of night time pull ups for Audrey... it's now about 8pm... I have to do about 100 pages worth of paperwork to file our I-800 that has to be overnight-ed in the morning on the way to the airport. I have no idea how to answer at least half of the questions. Will I ever be prepared for anything? 

UP:  We are on our way to the airport, everything is packed (Kenney and I fit all our things for four days in ONE carry on suitcase) We are ready to travel in China! We know the meaning of packing light! The kids are happy, the house got cleaned (I didn't sleep I think at all, but hey... we can sleep when we're dead right?) We are stopping for a coffee, I have the I-800 completed and mailed, and I am excited about this conference.

DOWN:  I woke up in the middle of the night with back pain like I have never ever had. I am 31. I am NOT supposed to have back pain. I couldn't stand up straight. I had to sleep sitting up. I took more motrin I am sure than my liver could handle. 

UP:  The conference was amazing. We learned so much, the speakers were the best of the best. We got to know the Taylor's (the couple we went to the conference with) like we were long lost friends. We worshipped with some of the best musicians and worship leaders, we spent hours learning till our brains really hurt. We went out for dinner and shared all we had learned. It reminded me what heaven will be like. Hour after hour after hour of worshipping our God, amazing, uplifting, fullfilling. The C.S. Lewis quote " I find in myself a desire which no experience in this world can satisfy, the most probable explanation is that I was made for another world."  This weekend reminded me of what that "other world" will be like. It soothed my soul. I have more notes than I took in most of my college classes (maybe that says something about why I didn't finish??)  I have so much to write about and share. I can not wait!

DOWN:  Seriously, my back is killing me!!

UP:  We got home, and I remember how much I missed and love my children!

DOWN:  The initial conversation with family about the conference didn't go so well. It seems I am not very good at communicating my thoughts as I maybe think I am...

DOWN:  Since Audrey was away from Mommy for three nights, we decided no more "mommy milk" would be a good idea after this. (Think what you want, I still nursed her, and loved it, I wouldn't change it EVER) Audrey was NOT HAPPY. She just cried and cried and wanted something I technically could give her, but was telling her no. It wasn't this hard with Tommy, he just decided he didn't want it anymore and that was that. Audrey begs for it, cried for it. It makes me wrestle with my emotions. The more sleep I begin to loose, the more unclear my choices become. I question if this is the right thing? I walked for hours with her trying to comfort her and calm her.  I am sleeping barely at all, and my back is killing me.
  
DOWN:  I am sleep deprived.  I am cranky.  My emotions are getting the better of me.  My back still hurts. I have a headache. I woke up today with heartburn/indigestion. I couldn't drink coffee because it hurt my stomach. Did I mention I was sleep deprived???  I whine a lot. I need to stop whining. Now I feel bad that I whine too much.  Oh dear God, I need some sleep.

UP:  My mom took Audrey for an hour so she could nap there, and not spend an hour begging me for milk.

And that is my life.  There are about another million things I could have inserted, but that is what I remember as of this point.  Many more ups, many more downs.  Each day holds a bunch of tiny ups and downs. 

Possibly this post says something about my mental state, but nonetheless, that is my reality over here!