What I learned from Noah

Hebrews 13:5  Never will I leave you, Never will I forsake you.

To my Noah,

You and me, we are a lot a like. We butt heads though. The love I have for you is a tough love, a love that isn't always evident or obvious. Sometimes, I don't do a very good job of showing you my love. Sometimes I fail you as a mommy.  But I want you to know that I love you because Jesus loves me, and loves you. He loved us first. His love for us was not because we loved Him. And so Noah, my love for you is not because of something you do, or because of your love for me.  I love you first, with, or without your love back. I love you.

We are sitting in your room today and I am asking you why you won't eat your now third meal of the day. It's so frustrating. We even had your favorite, dare I say it... chicken nuggets... for dinner, and yet you still refuse to eat. I know you are hungry. I know you are mad about something. I know you need to tell me, to use your words and share with me why it is you are angry. But you won't. You scowl, and throw a fit and have a meltdown, for now the third meal of the day.

Thoughts now run through my mind.  We've given you new clothes to wear. We've given you toys all of your own. You've gotten treats and meals and had a full tummy every day in our home. We tell you we love you, we tuck you in and hug and kiss you every night. We tell you every single day we will never leave you. We tell you and show you that you can trust us. We've met your needs. I expected you would soak up my love like a thirsty sponge.  And yet, you break your toys and could care less about them. You refuse to eat, you sometimes try hiding food in your mouth or not chewing or over stuffing your mouth and choking. You have been insatiably selfish, you always want more, nothing is ever enough for you. At night when you are scared and I hold you and tell you there is nothing to be afraid of, you still are afraid. You stiffen up like a board and do not find comfort in my arms.

Almost three years we've spent together and I find myself angry. I want so desperately for you to find comfort in your mommy. I want you to be happy and trust me. Trust me. And there I am sitting staring at you in your room. I have no idea how to proceed. I am fighting feelings of anger, and frustration. I find myself desperately praying for help. 

But our God, He is so merciful and so gracious.  His love for us, for me, is nothing short of amazing. Grace. I prayed for help. God gave me grace.

Grace. What a gift. There is no better a gift than grace. 

All the garbage in my life started circling in my head. 

I am God's adopted child. He has adopted me as His own. Given me a new life, clothed me in His righteousness. He has made me a co-heir with Jesus. I have an inheritance that is un-destroyable. He has blessed me. And yet, even today, I have asked for more. I have been given a warm and cozy home, and I treat it like it's not enough. I ask for more. I complain that I don't have enough, over and over again. I cry out in fear and God is there all-knowing my future, and I turn away. I do not seek Him for my comfort. I try and do it on my own. I rely on others, on myself, I do not hand it over to Him. God longs to be intimate with me, to show me the fullness of His presence, His freedom, His hope. I turn away. He promises He will never leave or forsake me, and I can be overcome with fear.  Without the Holy Spirit, I would continue to live my live as an orphan. I say I am His child, and daily I turn away from His banquet table and eat scraps. 

Noah, there is only one hope for us. Our God is a faultless father.  He knew us before the foundation of the earth. He was there when we breathed our first breath. He knit us together in our mother's wombs. He knows our thoughts, our fears. He knows exactly how to help us. He does not grow tired, or lose His temper. He loves us so much. He lovingly restores, forgives, and sanctifies us, all with a greater patience than we can imagine.

I am so thankful Noah, that I have you. God has given me a gift.  He has allowed you to show me how much I need Him. Without you Noah, I forget that I am just like you. You have humbled me, crushed some of my pride. I need so much refining and without you, I would have been content without change, and now I see how much my heart needs change, needs to be more and more like Christ. Without you, I would have been stuck. I am so happy that God loves me enough to change me and grow me. I am so thankful that you have given me a real and intimate picture of myself. God gives us what we need. I needed you, and am thankful for that.

I love you,
Love Mommy

Adoption and Money - part 4

Finally, I finally have my thoughts together regarding adoption and money, and now I can be done! Whew! I am so ready to write about things like Noah falling flat on his face and nearly sending us to an emergency dentist.  It is only by the grace of God we haven't ended up in an emergency room yet!

Yep, I took a picture.  If Noah has kids of his own, and he calls to tell me how they nearly give him heart-attacks every single day, and then I tell him he did the same for me, and then he proceeds to tell me "he wasn't that bad"... (which I am sure he will) I will just pull out the pictures. Case closed.

I digress. 

"I can't adopt because I can't afford to" or, "I don't think you should adopt because you can't afford to...."

I really only have one thought on this subject, and I just want to put it out there. Again, I am stealing from John Piper...

We adopt a child not for our own glory but for God’s glory.
God adopted us for the praise of the glory of his grace. Therefore we adopt for the praise of the glory of his grace. The questions you ask as you ponder adopting a child who needs a family are not first questions of feasibility or affordability. The questions you ask first are: Is my heart fixed on glorifying the grace of God? Is my aim in this to make the grace of God look glorious? Is Christ the center and goal of this decision? Are all the factors being weighed in relation to Christ? We adopt a child not for our own glory but for the glory of God’s grace.

Exactly Three Years Ago

I have no idea what prompted us. I can not remember what I was doing or where I was. Our son Tommy was a little over a year old. I babysat my niece Corrine during the week.



Yes, Tommy is holding a bra...don't ask...



Tommy only woke up a couple of times during the night. I had planted my first "real" garden that summer. My life was starting to become less crazy (anyone who knows us, knows my little Tommy was not the easiest baby... he would rank in top five of worst babies ever!!!) I do not remember doing internet searches. I do not remember really anything about the exact beginning. I do know that we filled out a contract with European Adoption Agency in July of 2008. That is where it began.

Before Kenney and I were married, I had mentioned something about adopting one day, just because it seemed like a good thing to do. Kenney said okay, and the conversation was over.

We just assumed that when we were "all done" having biological kids, we would then adopt.  I remember one day asking Kenney what he thought about adopting now.
Little did I know that God was speaking to our hearts and we didn't even realize it. We didn't know that God already had a little boy planned for our family. We didn't know he already existed. We didn't realize that God had a plan, a plan a bit different than ours.

Kenney likes plans. Kenney is a planner. He keeps plans. He makes plans. One thing he doesn't like to do is CHANGE plans. I remember him asking me why I wanted to change our plan. I remember telling him, that it isn't good to be so set on our own plans, and maybe God had a different plan. I know a couple weeks went by, and during that time I lovingly, okay maybe that is not true, I guess I just pushed the "adopt now" idea. (I recomend the lovingly way though, it works better!) One day Kenney just agreed.

Kenney researched adoption agencies and we talked about what kind of adoption, and where we would adopt from. Adopting a baby seemed logical because we were used to having two babies around. Russia just seemed to be the place God put on our hearts. The ratio of boys to girls in Russia was 7 to 1, so a boy seemed logical. The idea of children in orphanages bothered us, and we felt that is where God was sending us.

We just jumped in. I know we did not really talk about adopting with anyone else. We did our homestudy, initial paperwork, completed a dossier, all while keeping it between us. It was special for us. God used that time to bring us closer. We talked about all kinds of things together, that maybe if the world knew, we would not have talked about. We just might have been consumed with everyone else and their questions and thoughts, that we just might not have had the opportunity to talk between us. We talked about poverty, Russia, birth control, abortion, orphanages, foster care, orphans all over the world and much, much more. We had real conversations about big important issues, and it was between us. It was special. I do not recommend NOT talking about things to others, but for us, it was special, it was something that was just ours and no one elses. It was God's plan for US.

There was no scripture verse or sermon at church that promoted us to adopt. We got pregnant with Tommy before actually "trying". We had no fertility concerns. I had not had a miscarriage (which I did have one in September of that year, however our decision to adopt had been made long before the miscarriage occurred.) Our God can choose to motivate us however He wants. We were and are no one extraordinary. We weren't "super christians." We didn't lead a bible study, or volunteer every week at the food pantry. We had arguments and fights between us. We didn't parent Tommy perfectly. My point is this, sometimes, you just hear God speaking to you. Sometimes it is in no special place, at no special time. It's just when God wants to speak to you.  Our plan was not to adopt till years later, we would have never come up with adopting at that moment in time on our own.

Kenney and I agreed on one thing though.  That when God speaks.... you listen. 

Proverbs 3:5-7 
Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and do not lean on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge Him, and He will make straight your paths. Be not wise in your own eyes; fear the Lord, and turn away from evil.

1Samuel 12:14-15

If you will fear the Lord and serve him and obey his voice and not rebel against the commandment of the Lord, and if both you and the king who reigns over you will follow the Lord your God, it will be well. But if you will not obey the voice of the Lord, but rebel against the commandment of the Lord, then the hand of the Lord will be against you and your king.