We too, Choose Life

I was barely up, eyes barely open as the sun was not even nearly up-  "She didn't make it through the procedure."

And my mind knew what my heart felt. 

On February 29, 2012, this sweet little girl sat in my lap, while I listened to her sing "Jesus Loves Me" in Chinese.  In a home for orphans in China, while we were picking up our son Fengfeng (Caleb) this little girl sat with no mommy or daddy and with extreme medical conditions. 

From that day forward I have had the privilege of watching a family choose life.  Her life.

Their story is long and complicated.  It is full of twists and turns.  Full of setbacks and problems.  From the beginning, pain and suffering were commonplace in this story.  I watched every plot twist unfold and have had the privilege to first hand witness the orchestrating of God's mighty hand in their lives.  The family chose life.  At all costs.  The financial burdens, the paperwork, the stress, the hours and hours on their knees in prayer, the questions, the hard answers, the extra work, the extra time, the extra everything it required of them to make that decision. They even chose more life. That arm and leg and one quarter of head in the picture- that little boy is part of the story too.  They chose his life as well.

Last night, that little girl, Zoe, had Jesus call her home.  In the midst of a complicated and trying surgical procedure, all the medical intervention couldn't sustain her life here on earth, and Jesus chose to call her home. 

The pain and intense heartache I can't even begin to fathom.  The tears I've cried over this little girl are nothing compared to the mama who chose her life, to the family that fought for her life. 

Many thoughts flood my mind.  Almost every thought brings me to my knees and to tears.  May this little girl's life remind me why we live the way we live.  May her life remind me why we have the children we have.  Why we support the ministries we support.  May her life remind me, human life, is precious and to be celebrated and to be chosen.  Always.  Made in Christ's image each life is, and HE is always to be chosen, always to be celebrated, always to be praised.  Every single sacrifice, every financial burden, every amount of suffering is always worth it.  Life is always to be valued.

Zoe's mama chose life.
Zoe's daddy chose life.
Zoe's family chose life.

They penned these words to remember:  (click here to read the full post)

So how much is a life worth? Ask Jesus. He gave everything. This tiny bit I'm giving right now?!? It pales in comparison. I pray that I'll remember that when this day is done.


I pray for this family- that

"the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus." Philippians 4:7

 

I pray that it may be true of me, that I choose life.  That this family chooses life.  No matter the cost, no matter the suffering, no matter the ridicule, no matter the culture, no matter the expense, even if it costs our own lives, I pray it to be true.

 

We choose life.

 

 

 

Am I a Mother?

It seems most fitting that on Mother's Day I personally define who I am.

I scan the pages of an old journal covered in teddy bears and pink ribbons and bows.  The words on the page are quite sobering.

September 9, 1990 (that makes me 10 years old)
" I know that nobody likes me, I wish that someone had."
"I want to be cool and have a friend."
"I wish I was good at sports like all the other kids."

23 years later and it's amazing how some thoughts still creep into the deep crevices of my heart. 

I've spent some time this week reflecting on Mother's Day and reading about the history of Mother's Day.  Most profoundly are two thoughts:  from a personal, reflective perspective Mother's Day forces us (me) into one of two categories- 1.  I am a good mom, and therefore deserve a gift, respect, a breakfast in bed, cards, flowers, etc, etc.  or 2. I fail as a mother, I can't get my act together, my children are heathens all condemned to hell, my house is a mess, I can't ever keep up with laundry or dishes or dust or anything!

It is in neither of those places I am comfortable.  To say I am a "good" mommy never bodes well with me.  As one of my favorite writers says- "I ain't no hallmark mother."  I know the truth.  I know how many times in today alone I raised my voice.  I know how many times I said the wrong words.  I didn't listen to the tender stories being told by my babies, I didn't rock away tears, I didn't speak of the gospel, I didn't play, I didn't teach, I wasn't a good mommy.

Yet, to name all my failures seems to send me into a downward spiral.  A frenzy of pain, guilt, shame, loathing and despair. 

And yet, I desperately want and desire to be a "good" mommy.  I want to be good at what I do.  I want the world to see me as a good mother.  Yet, I am not.  I can't.  No matter how early I awake.  No matter how hard I try.  No matter what I do.  I. Can't.  I. Fail.

How?  How do I, as a woman who spends nearly every waking hour of my life tending to little children , define myself in any other way than a mother?

And to be honest.  If I got a report card on my mothering abilities.  "F."

Big fat "F."

Oh the world might catch glimpses of me.  They might see me calm, or not raise my voice.  They may see me with all my children peering into a basket of newborn puppies, while we all giggle and laugh and relish the joy of new life.  Some may sit at our dinner table and listen to each of our children pray.  They might think they've been taught well.  They may see me hold a crying child and whisper words of comfort.  They might see a lot of me, but what no one sees is all of me.  The truth.

I told a child today they were a "snotty, crabby. whiney, brat, that no one wants to be around."
I rolled my eyes.
I punished out of anger.
I distanced myself from a child that doesn't want to love me.
I didn't listen.
I didn't kiss their skinned knees.
I thought more about my needs than anyone else's.
I didn't tell each and every one of them I loved them over and over again.
I chose myself over each of them.

If a mommy is who I am.  I fail.

To be even more honest.  I am exhausted.  I find "mommy-ing" exhausting.  The potty-training, the temper-tantrums, the learning disabilities, the handicaps, the anger, the tears, the crying, the late nights, the whining, the whining, the WHINING!!!!!

The performance.  The behavior of my kids at the grocery store I feel directly reflects me.  The behavior of my kids at Sunday school directly reflects on who I am.  If my children have manners.  If my children eat all their vegetables, if my children know their ABC's and their colors and their constant vs. vowels.... the performance of my children seems to directly reflect on me... on my skills as a mommy.

And it's all exhausting.  And on Mother's Day I'll wake up exhausted.

I'll feel like I am drowning.  My natural instinct in the words of another favorite author " it is natural to paddle harder and kick faster when you feel like you are drowning."

And I'll wake up tomorrow and feel like I am drowning.

My expectations.  What I expect a "good" mommy should look like, I won't be able to meet. My performance is clearly not that of a "good" mommy.  Tomorrow morning, just like every other morning, if I look on the performance of me as mother, I will see all that I didn't do, and all the areas I failed.  I will see what I wish I was, and see what I am not.  I will feel the burden to be something that I wish I was.  I will feel the burden because my very identity as a mommy is at stake.  I feel the burden because I am a prisoner of my own demands.

Luke 4: 16-19   When he came to the village of Nazareth, his boyhood home, he went as usual to the synagogue on the Sabbath and stood up to read the Scriptures.  The scroll of Isaiah the prophet was handed to him. He unrolled the scroll and found the place where this was written:

 “The Spirit of the Lord is upon me,
    for he has anointed me to bring Good News to the poor.
He has sent me to proclaim that captives will be released,
    that the blind will see,
that the oppressed will be set free,
and that the time of the Lord’s favor has come

 

So, how do I celebrate Mother's Day then?

By realizing that Jesus came to set the captive free. (that's me)

Free from my own demands.
Free from the pressure of having to make it on my own.
Free from the burden to get it all right.
Free from the obligation to fix ourselves.
Free from the need to be right.
Free from the need to be rewarded.
Free from the need to be respected.
Free from the need to perform for my worth, identity, or value.

Jesus transferred HIS performance to me when He chose me as His daughter.

Jesus won for me by dying on the cross. 

Because Jesus won for me, I am free to loose.
Because Jesus was strong, I am free to be weak.
Because Jesus was someone, I am free to be no-one.
Because Jesus succeeded for me, I am free to fail.


The gospel liberatingly declares, that in Christ we already ARE a winner, strong, someone, and already successful.


Then who am I?

My identity is not in what I do, but in what Jesus has already done for me.

Before I am a wife, before I am a mother, I am a daughter.  A daughter of the King.

My life will no longer be judged on the performance of me as  mother (or wife, or friend, or sister or "_____")  My life will no longer be about what I do. My life will no longer be about what I do not do.  My life is about what Jesus has already done.

My life, my identity, has nothing to do with what I do, my identity has nothing to do with my past, my future, my strengths my weaknesses, how clean my house is, how good my dinners are, how much I weigh, my family background, my education or my performance as a mother but instead, my identity is firmly anchored in Jesus' accomplishments not mine. 

 

 On this mother's day I am free.  Free from what other's think of me, and free from what I think of myself.

My happiness will not be found in anything other than what Christ has already done for me.

May the JOY of what Christ has already done for each and every one of us be what motivates my heart today.

 

Things like THIS never happen...??

Wednesday night, way past my bed time, and I just can't fall asleep.  I was born a night owl, and it seems even 3 kids can't change that!  I decide that it would be a good idea to check the weather in both the cities our kiddos in China are at.  I might want to start thinking about packing, so to pack, I need to know the weather.

Finding that out leads me to wonder if I can find out about the "local" scene, you know the secret places everyone should visit, that no one knows about.  I decided to do random internet searches.  I'm just weird like that, typing in random words to see what pops up and what information I can find out about where my babies are from.

Somewhere among the zillion searches I did, I found a link to a yahoo group that is composed of people who have adopted, are adopting, associated with, etc the same city/province as Caleb is from.  Well of course I join the group.  Maybe to find some random pictures someone took and my baby is in the background, or maybe just to learn more about where Caleb is from.

I told them my name and Caleb's Chinese name, and said hello!

Hours later, I received an email from the DIRECTOR of Swallows Nest in Zhengzhou, with the question...

Is this your son?

 

That is my boy!  I emailed her back saying YES, YES, he is ours!!  She gave me her phone number and said she is actually in the States, so call to talk to her.  I have the phone number of the woman who is in charge of the care of my son, and she is American, and she speaks English.... at this point, I am so overwhelmed I am about ready to throw up! (either that or Kenney made pigs in a blanket for dinner, not quite sure which)


So we talked, and she told me about him, all about his hearing, who cares for him, his personality, etc.  Then she gave me the email of a lady doing an internship there, that cares for 6 of the kids, one of them being Caleb. Again, all within minutes, we are facebook friends and I am able to look through her photo albums, and see tons of beautiful pictures of my boy!  Then I find out she is a Christian, a real, Bible believing, John Piper-ish kind of Christian.  I see pictures of my boy being read the BIBLE!


She tells me to send all kinds of pictures of our family, she'll share them with Caleb, and get him ready for us to pick him up! She'll use lots of English too!  She said we can email her all the questions we have, and she'll do anything to answer us.  She even said that she has a very VERY special place in her heart for Caleb...


OVERWHELMED!


I can not tell you how crazy this is, every adoptive family wishes for a glimpse into their child's life that they can not be a part of, and here, I have a wide open picture window!


The best part is, I didn't pray for additional information, I didn't ask God for more information than we already had.  I have a couple of pictures and some medical information and that is it.  We were happy with that.  We were happy we had a 15 second video clip of Caleb.  It didn't bother us that we were never given updated information.  It didn't bother us that his medical information seemed so incomplete.  I can honestly say we really were at peace with our decision, and ready to face all the unknowns.  We kinda felt like Abraham.  In Hebrews it says , Abraham, by faith was called, and went out, not knowing where he was going.  So with our little boy, we didn't know where we were going, just that we were going!!!


God, in his perfect timing, infinite wisdom, His glorious self, choose to make known the unknowns for us.  Praise God!  

The difference between knowing and seeing- I've read verses in the Bible over and over, and I've quoted them, over and over, and used them over and over, but to have them be real.  To take root in my heart, so much so that they effect my life.... sadly it doesn't happen enough, but tonight, the verse, it became so real

Ephesians 3:20
Now to Him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to His power that is at work within us

and half a world away, a little boy sees his forever mommy and daddy for the first time

This isn't how it's supposed to be...or is it?

--Posted by Kenney


As you know my amazing wife has a passion for writing and this is my turn at blogging...oh boy.


When I think back at "my" plans it did not include the current path we are on.


Rewind 10-15 years-


During college I had aspirations to be a musical performer.  I had my first piece of music published when I was 16 and thought the 'Polish Cowboy' was the next biggest thing to hit Nashville.  Laura teases me still after all these years but is still my biggest fan.  Nashville wasn't as excited about "the Polish Cowboy" as I was and didn't have the welcome wagon out for me I learned quickly that the door was closed for me.


Then in late my late teens and early 20's this awkward frame of mine started doing things with a baseball and bat that garnished a future with a certain motor town team and I was headed full steam until that door was closed for me with both ankles requiring lateral collateral ligament repairs. Door closed again.


Still passionate about baseball and those I played with, I took the education I received and started a sports management business.  A few years of success and being one of the youngest agents out there, I was out to show the world what "I" could do.  But, the lifestyle that goes with the off-field activities crept into me and too soon I found myself with a gambling problem, drinking problem and partying problem. Living by "worldly" standards I found myself searching and lost. At that time I met my wife, and I accepted Christ. Well, God and Laura weren't too thrilled about the sport's management business and that door was very quickly closed.


Laura and I married in 2006 and we began our life together planning our future.  We were blessed with Tommy in 2007 and felt the calling to adopt NOW and not AFTER we were done having our "own" children.  (note I cringe at using the word "own", as Noah, and any of my children, adopted or not ARE, my OWN) I tell the story all the time of the day in January 2008 when Laura called me at work and told me we needed to be in Russia in 2 weeks, which was completely out of the blue as our paperwork wasn't even completed yet; then she called me ten minutes later and told me she was pregnant.  We  looked to God and asked "do we continue with the adoption or do we only pursue one child at a time?"  We were reminded in scripture in Thessalonians 5:24 "He who calls you is faithful, and He will do it." It gave us comfort  in knowing we were not alone in this and His plan was unfolding.  A few weeks later and many flights to Russia, Noah arrived, shortly followed by Audrey being born healthy and no issues during the pregnancy.


It seemed like everything was going full steam until we decided to drive our future again. We drew plans for a 4500+ square foot house and even called it "Rustic Elegance".  Then as many felt the bubble pop on the housing market we were left with two houses, one that someone got a great deal on and one that a renter destroyed.  Of course, the destroyed one is the one we ultimately were going to tear down and build "Rustic Elegance" but with two mortgages, overseas many times and now 3 young kids under 3 we now live in the house that has both a golden harvest AND a rose colored tub!  I know you are jealous! We had been provided and blessed abundantly and when we tried to steer our future; you guessed it-someone closed the door.  (On a side note, I pause and thank God that during this time he sent my cousin Scott from Nashville up to help and for 6 weeks, he repaired the the inside of the house for us.  He felt the need to be there and help, and I think we would have lost our minds without him.)


You may have read the other posts regarding our craziness at that time and during that time our growing family of five in the 1800 square foot house with lovely harvest gold and rose colored bathrooms welcomed Laura's brother and sister in law into our home and their new baby as they needed a place to stay for 6 months... 2 1/2 years later they were able to move out into a home 10 minutes away so the kids can still see each other weekly. They sure do love each other like brothers and sisters instead of cousins. We decided taking care of the immediate need was more important than our future ones.  Now, we look back at 8 people, 2 dogs, 1 cat and 1 fish tank that cohabited in our house, and kinda miss it!


Crazy and hectic it was, but you know something?  That door was NEVER shut for us. Everything fell into place, and anything we tried to do other than live together and keep things the way they were just didn't work. Doors shut, and doors opened.


One of my closest friends taught me early in my walk with the Lord that sometimes it's good to not pray for doors to open in life, but to pray for doors to be closed that God doesn't want us going down.  Odd; this lesson was being taught to me only recently however in application the "doors" all along were being shut. Doors that I look back on and wonder if I did go through them what unknowns lay ahead, frighten me.


So, we are back in February of this year and I met with my two  friends that met everyThursday morning to encourage each other, read scripture and seek wisdom for our lives. I shared with them Laura and I felt our hearts being called to a door of adoption again, and honestly we just weren't sure. We prayed that if this was to be, or not, that God would close this door if he didn't want us going down it.


It was at this time we were looking at special needs children. Were we prepared for this? Again, we prayed for God to close the door if he didn't want us to go down that path.  But, with my employment, healthcare is provided readily and with Noah, and having 3-4 different therapists in our home weekly we just couldn't seem to close the door on special needs, it just seemed to be very loud and clear to us that we REALLY DO have the resources to take care of these children.  Then regarding children... I remember on our first trip to Russia sitting in the orphanage directors office; seeing the conditions and being so moved by the Spirit, I blurted out I want to adopt two instead of one.  It was too late in the game to call an audible so I told Laura if we were ever called down this road again, we would look at potentially adopting two.  Again we prayed for God to close the door if he only wanted us to adopt one.  The story of how we arrived at our two children is an amazing one, but another story in and of itself. Needless to say, the door remained very very open for us to adopt two.


In general our adoption process was quick and had no barriers or obstacles that MANY if not most adopting families encounter, Our door just kept staying open. Every single time we second guessed ourselves, faithfully God reminded us each and every time this door is open and for us to go down.  
We have struggled with where we have been led. (remember, we are still sinners living in a fallen world)  Five kids under five?  In fact, Tommy will still be four when they arrive home from China; so technically five kids under four?


Are we crazy? (don't answer that)-



The kiddos... reminding us of how blessed we already are!



Who in their right mind "chooses" this.  Already blessed with 3 children, who elects to take every penny found in the house and bank, and go out and bring home a child that is deaf and one that may never walk? Who does this? Who wants the stresses, the bills, the unknowns; who chooses that. Each time we have been led to this door and we have many times had the chance to close the door on our own, it remained not only open, but it seemed there was a giant shove behind us into it, and we have faithfully entered.


So is this how it is supposed to be?  If the doors haven't been shut, the answer is clear, for us. 

We hope and pray that with God much needed grace in our lives we can faithfully do what God wants of us, to one day hear..

Matthew 25:21  "Well done, good and faithful servant. You have been faithful over a little; I will set you over much.  Enter into the joy of your Master"

What I Need this Christmas.

What do you want for Christmas...?

The question flies around this time of the year and I've spent so much time thinking about what I want and what I need this year.

I see suffering around me. I feel daily the failure I am as the mommy GOD wants me to be. I worry about my kids. I worry about my marriage. I wonder sometimes how I will wake up in the morning and get my kids ready, let alone myself. I feel lost. I feel confused. I feel like my flesh wages such a warfare with my spirit. I want things I don't need. I am scared to death about the capabilities I will have as a mommy to Isabell and Caleb. Will I be what they need?  Will I be able to help their hearts heal?  Will we all learn sign-language enough to communicate to Caleb he is loved?  What if Isabell never walks?  What if we never recover financially?  I worry about our house. Will it be big enough?  Is it too big? I fight feelings of jealously over others homes and stuff and kids and marriages. I don't have the answers to the questions I am asked and feel the failure, the pressure. I don't say the things I need to say. I spend time with the lost, and don't share the gospel. I question my own heart.  I question my motives. I fail. Over and over again I fail. I sin.
What do I need for Christmas?

I need God HERE. With me. Helping me. Caring for me. Loving me. I need unconditional love. I need someone to look past my failures. I need God HERE.
Emmanuel, God with us.

Oh, those words they have medicated my soul. Emmanuel, my God has come to be with us.

Jesus was born a man. He was born in a stable. He was born in filthy conditions. Things like blood, sweat, feces, a placenta, an umbilical cord, pain, tears, they were present when Jesus was born. He was born just like you and I. Born to be a man WITH us. Rarely have I ever realized the humanness of His birth. Those words they just aren't "churchy." They just didn't fit in the manger scene I had. For me, Jesus' birth was almost un-touchable. Un-approachable. Something so Holy, I could not be a part of. Holy indeed, but human. Jesus came here, to live among our mess, our dysfunction, our sin, our failures. He came here.  Even more awe-invoking is the fact that He did this for us. He did this to save us from our rebellion to HIMSELF. While I was a sinner, cursing Him, not trusting Him, failing Him, denying Him, He came to live here with us in this mess, to be Emmanuel, God with us.

He came for the potty-mouth talking kids. He came for the greedy, for the jealous, for the moms who let their children down, for the lonely, for the liars, for the thieves, for those who deny Him, for those that work too much, for the sick, for the widow, for the orphan, for all of us, for me.

Emmanuel, God with us. He is NOT untouchable. He is not far away. He is here, with us.

This Christmas I need God with me. I need Emmanuel. Praise God He came. He is with us. It is my hearts desire this Christmas to share Emmanuel with my children. To show them Jesus is real, with us, approachable.  We can bring our real, filthy, weary, dirty selves to Him.

The real words out of Jesus' mouth:"Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest."
Matthew 11:28

For HIS Glory

I have had an entire week to think and reflect on dying. 

Since Kenney and I have been married, we have attended three funerals of grandparents.  We are closing in on another soon. 

This time, my Tommy is four and a half years old, and the questions he asks about death and dying, are nothing less than poignant. I remember a speech class once, and I remember being told, that to really know material is to be able to teach the material. Tommy's questions have given me the privilege of a test, to remind me what I know about the reality and biblical truths of death, and how well I am able to teach him.

Rewind a couple of months....Tommy comes home from Sunday school with a study sheet each week. The sheet has a bible verse to memorize, a story they heard, and practical applications for parents and children. We try (note I used the word try) to go over the sheet when we get home from church. I noticed on the bottom of his sheets, there are five basic questions the kids are to memorize and have an answer for. Things like, "who created you?", and "what else did God create?" but, the last question I found most interesting...

Why did God create you?

Kenney and I have talked and dwelt upon that statement for a couple of months now.  I am a believer in Christ and His word, I have read the bible, spent many a Sunday's in church, and sadly neither I nor Kenney answered that question accurately.

We knew we are to be followers of Christ, we knew we came to serve others and not ourselves, we knew we were loved by God, we knew we would spend eternity with Him as believers, but the basic, simple, fundamental question.... we just didn't have the basic, simple, fundamental answer to.  How did we miss the boat?  The answer:

Why did God create you, me, us?

For HIS Glory.

That thought has been at the basis of many of my thoughts lately. It is such a fundamental truth, that has changed my perspective greatly on many things. That God's main purpose for our existence is to reflect the glory of Jesus Christ. God gave us life so that with our bodies and minds and hearts we might draw attention to Jesus and make Him look as great as He really is.

That purpose does not change in our death.

For a Christian, eternal life begins when we except Christ as our Savior.  Death is no longer death for those in Christ.

I pulled up a sermon, or article by John Piper, as I often do and found a wonderful truth.

"Therefore the sting of death is gone. Death is no longer the terror that death used to be. Death is now a transition from life to better life,  from faith in Christ, to seeing Christ, from good fellowship with Jesus, to far better fellowship with Jesus, from mixtures of pain and pleasure, to all pleasure, from struggles with sin, to perfect affections for Jesus.  We have passed from death to life."

The apostle Paul says  "it is my eager expectation and hope that Christ will be honored in my body by death. For me to die is gain." Philippians 1:21

How do we glorify Christ in our death?  By treasuring Christ so much, that dying is felt as a gain.

For those of us left here we feel the present loss of a loved one. There are tears and weeping.  But we (believers) do not grieve like the rest of mankind who have no hope. (1 Thessalonians 4:13) Through the tears, there is a way to magnify and glorify Christ. When Job heard the news that all ten of his children were dead the bible says, "Job arose and tore his robe and shaved his head and fell on the ground and worshipped.  And he said, "Naked I came from my mothers womb, and naked shall I return. The Lord gave, and the Lord has taken away;  blessed be the name of the Lord!" (Job 1:20-21)

He wept as well as worshipped.

Christ is to be so real, so treasured, that we live and die in a way that shows He is our supreme treasure. He is what matters most to us. My daily struggle, Kenney's daily struggle is to treasure Jesus like that. 

"I count everything as loss because of the surpassing worth of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord."  Philippians 3:8

We sung this song today in church, and it has such meaning and truth I wanted to post the song, so I can go back and always remember.

No guilt in life, no fear in death,
This is the power of Christ in me;
From life's first cry to final breath.
Jesus commands my destiny.
No power of hell, no scheme of man,
Can ever pluck me from His hand;
Till He returns or calls me home,
Here in the power of Christ I'll stand.

The Things I Don't Say

If you know me well, or are a close family member of mine, you are reading the title and laughing.  You are probably laughing quite hard, because there isn't too much I don't say...


I am a bit loud, up-front, bold, obnoxious, talkative, and passionate, as well as some other things! Those things can be both a blessing, and my downfall.


God tells us to be ready to give a defense for the hope that is within us. (1 Peter 3:15)
He tells us to defend the cause of the weak and the fatherless. (Psalm 83:2-4)
He tells us to use our words to speak boldly for His cause. (Acts 4:28-30)


However, God also tells us that reckless words can pierce like swords, but words using wisdom can bring healing. (Proverbs 12:18) God also tells us to watch what we say, and guard our words to keep ourselves out of trouble. (Proverbs 21:23) And God also tells us to guard our lips and don't speak rashly. (Psalm 13:3)


OUCH!  Those are some obvious weaknesses of mine, and if you ask Kenney he would so be "amen-ing!"


The last of my seriousness for this post is this: I do not speak kindly enough most importantly to my husband. I do not always tell him the things I appreciate about him. I am thankful for the things he does for me and the family. I am thankful he is willing at 9:30 at night to run to Menards and get more pint jars because I made a bit too much salsa.  I am thankful he enjoys and is appreciative of whatever meal we eat, even if it's just frozen pizza, or a rosemary and bacon stuffed grilled portabella mushroom.  I am thankful he tries.  He pursues being a godly husband and a godly daddy.  He keeps his mouth shut (unlike me) and lets me ramble on about the zillion projects I think I am going to do.  When I say lets (fill in the blank) he doesn't shoot me down or criticize my crazy, irrational ideas!


About two months ago, I had the crazy idea to tear down our pantry, relocate it, add some cabinets or storage as well as a new 8 foot long counter top, basically do a kind of remodel. Oh yeah, pretty much no money in the budget either, so we needed to be resourceful and creative.  Kenney came home to this...

And then, the next day he came home to this...

Yep, all three of them, painting!  For real...painting!  And yep, that is Audrey in her underwear... painting!


Then, I realized I wouldn't have any upper cabinets and needed a space to put my spices.  So I asked Kenney to build me some kind of a spice rack.  Sounds easy enough.  Except... I have over 50 spices, the wall I wanted the rack on is a pocket door wall, so no studs, and I wanted it to match my cabinets.  By the way, Kenney does insurance not carpentry!  And yet, through all of this, he wasn't mad at me, no harsh words, no anger (okay most of the time) and he built me a spice rack!

It hangs from the rafters, so no need for support on the wall, and it matches the rest of the kitchen!  And yes, I. Use. Every. Single. Spice. (so much so, that I usually refill them all at least 2x a year)

I LOVE IT!

So this is for Kenney, for the things I don't say!

And this is for Kenney... if he can build me a great spice rack, what do you think about this in his future?

I love it! Four boys in our future?  Ya never know!

Meeting Expectations

Ever feel like you get NOTHING done? Ever feel like the house and yard have declared war against you? Do you hear comments from others like "When are you going to finish______?" It's so easy, way to easy to look around my house and my yard and see TONS of unfinished projects. I have created actual lists, and mental lists of things that I think need to be done. 

It's discouraging.... some days my house looks like this...

no joke...you should see my toilets!

And then there are the days the kids, oh the kids.... they look like this...

mud puddles, they migrate to mud puddles!

But why is it I find myself focusing so much on what doesn't get done, what I don't have, and what I don't do? I find myself so quick to compare myself to what other people do or have. I find I wish I worked, had extra money like others, went out to fancy dinners or concerts, went on cruises with Kenney, had nicer cars, a bigger, nicer and newer house, and the list goes on...

We have made the choice to adopt (and spend lots of money doing so) and to pay down debt, in doing so the lifestyle we live is drastically different than most in America. It's hard to be different sometimes, it's hard when most others don't "get it." 

Simply put, God wants me to be content RIGHT WHERE I AM! (Philippians 4:11-12; Hebrews 13:5)

con-tent (kuhn-tent) adjective  1. satisfied with what one is or has; not wanting more or anything else

Secondly, God wants me to live for HIS glory, NOT mine. (Galatians 2:20; Romans 8:4-8)

A new house, new car, expensive vacations, nice restaurants, movies, concerts, clean perfect house, clean perfect yard; they are not requirements for my life to glorify Christ.  Mostly (note I said mostly) those things allow me to put the focus on me and my life, not giving room for glorifying Christ and showing what He has done for me.

My prayer, Lord, is to be content. I need to allow you to work in my life. Help me take the focus off of me. Help me be content with ALL that you have done and given me. Teach me what is important in life. Teach me to love You above all else. Teach me to prioritize my life based on Your priorities not my own. Teach me to meet Your expectations not my own.

We are ALL designed...

Kenney and I get LOTS of questions regarding adopting. I have found this time the questions are bigger. Maybe its because we already have three children. Maybe it's because we have already adopted once. Maybe it's the money, or maybe its the fact we are adopting two children. Amazingly though, the big questions come when people find out we are adopting children with "special needs."

What are "special needs"? The Webster's dictionary adoption answer is:  a problem, usually medical, that a child has, that prevents him or her from being adopted as a healthy normal child. Special needs can be ANYTHING. Children who are blind, deaf, have HIV/AIDS, missing limbs, sexual ambiguity, heart problems, and downs syndrome, would be considered some of the more serious issues. Then there is the list of problems that are "correctable." Things like cleft lip/cleft palate and clubbed feet. Even more sadly are the children who are over the age of 3, as they are no longer considered "desirable."

I have a special place in my heart for these kiddos.  I do not know why.  I know God must have put that there.

I look at websites like Rainbow Kids and my heart breaks. These are photo listings of children that desperately need mommies and daddies. These children are the un-desirable of the un-desirable. They are the children never chosen, or chosen last. When parents fill out paperwork to adopt, these are the children no one chooses. They can not be adopted unless someone specifically requests their needs, their problems, their issues. They wait, usually to never be chosen.

The number of orphans in the world is staggering. 147 million. Stop. Read that number again. 147 million. Ouch. For me, that number stings a bit, it hits me at my core, and makes me feel a little queasy. It bothers me. 147 million kiddos, with no one to tuck them in, kiss their foreheads, and tell them mommy and daddy will always love you.  Who teaches them to love? Who teaches them about Jesus? Who teaches them about forgiveness?   Do you know how many of them get adopted each year? In the USA, about 120,000. That's it. The United States leads the way in adoptions, if the other 5 continents adopted the same amount as us, (which they don't) do you realize that yearly not even a half a percent of these children are adopted?? Millions and millions of children are left alone.

The subject of orphan care and adoption specifically is not the point of my thoughts, so in an effort to prevent myself from running all over the place with my thoughts, I will save those specific topics for another time. My thoughts tonight are surrounding special needs.

If you are an orphan your chance of being adopted is slim to none, and if you are an orphan labeled as "special needs" the chance is almost non-existent.

My little China girl...she doesn't get to be adopted because she can't walk, because she is deformed? No one loves her like a mommy and daddy because she is physically broken? Other little girls get to go home to mommies and daddies, but she doesn't? All because her body is not perfect?

ALL children are made in the image of God. They are image bearers, each specifically designed to glorify God. God loves them. Shouldn't we?

James 1:27, Religion that God our Father accepts as pure and faultless is this: to look after orphans and widows in their distress and to keep oneself from being polluted by the world. That applies to the orphans with special needs too.

Oh, I could ramble. Lord knows I could keep on going. I could keep on writing about verse after verse where God loves ALL of his children, ALL of his creation EQUALLY. No matter our disability, we are LOVED. We are LOVED by God. Verse after verse about God using our weaknesses, using our disabilities to bring glory to His kingdom. Verse after verse about advocating for the helpless, advocating for the weak, instructions to care for the least of these.

The babies God chose for us to bring home have disabilities. They are weak. God will use them to glorify and grow his kingdom. This I am sure of. We will love them, just as we love Tommy, Noah and Audrey. We realize the challenges we will have. We are very aware of the daily struggles we will incur. We are scared. We know though that our fear is unfounded, because our God, my God has chosen us and has told us to fear not.  

Isaiah 41:9-10
You whom I took from the ends of the earth,
   and called from its farthest corners,
Saying to you, "You are my servant,
   I have chosen you and not cast you off";
Fear not, for I am with you;
   be not dismayed, for I am your God;
I will strengthen you, I will help you,
   I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.

The Beginning

Tonight I begin my writing journey. I never knew what a blog was untill about five months ago. A much admired older than me friend (meaning she has grand babies and I just have babies), nonchalantly told me I should check out her blog. I did not want to sound like the "I have three kids and have no idea what is going on in the real world" mom that I am, so I dropped a - sure yeah, maybe I will while I'm checking out my other blogs.... (heaven forbid I act like I don't know what I am talking about.) Well, I was hooked. I soon found out that on her blog is a list of blogs she follows. Then I became "click happy", finding myself sailing down rivers of blogdom, and strangely found myself following six blogs on a mostly nightly basis. Even more strangely, or some would say fate, or well I would say the Holy Spirit... the blogs were mostly about adopting.

And so today, I have decided to tell my story. I never thought I would. I had mixed emotions on the subject- feeling a bit embarrassed, or self-criticizing, feeling like- why would anyone care to read my story? Even more so, the world isn't about me, but about HIM, and I surely don't want to put into print pages and pages of me, me, me, me...yadda, yadda, yadda. But then I happened upon a story about telling our stories. Our stories are one of the most precious gifts that God has given us. I know it won't always be easy or comfortable, but God is glorified in the honest baring of our souls, the unleashing of the story that He has written for each of us. I believe God has entrusted me, each of us, with a story, and expects us to steward it well. For some it may not be written, but it must be told. The biggest testimony to our faith and to the glorious working of God's hands in our life is OUR STORY!!

We must tell our story. Only God knows who he plans to have our stories collide with, but it WILL collide. For we are all part of a grand story, the ultimate story that is GOD'S. So tell, tell your story, and steward it well.

“He has made His wonderful works to be REMEMBERED …” (Psalm 111:4).

“They shall speak of the glory of Your kingdom, and talk of Your power, to make known to the sons of men His mighty acts, and the glorious majesty of His kingdom.” (Psalm 145:11-12)


“Men shall speak of the might of Your awesome acts, and I will declare Your greatness. They shall utter the memory of Your great goodness.” (Psalm 145:6-7)

“I will speak of Your testimonies also before kings, and will not be ashamed.” (Psalm 119:46)“Oh, give thanks to the Lord! Call upon His name. Make known His deeds among the peoples! Sing to Him … Talk of all His wondrous works! … Remember His marvelous works which He has done, His wonders and the judgments of His mouth …” (1 Chronicles 16:8-12)