"Leave No One Behind"

posted by Kenney

I have the privilege of being the son of a US Army Veteran that served in the Vietnam era.  The brother in law to both an Army and Marine soldier.  The grandson of an Army soldier.  The nephew of a Marine, Navy, and Army servicemen and friend of many who have served.  One thing that has always stuck with me each time I hear it in speeches or movies is how our military "leaves no one behind."

When I examine what that means in my civilian life and how I can apply that honorable "code" of living in Northwest Indiana - where there are corn fields all around us and the closest military action I ever will see is sand bagging around my house to deal with floods- I've decided this is as close as it's gonna get.

Rewind-

When we started the Chinese adoption process nearly two years ago, we were given "access" to a database of some of the waiting children.  Each child on the list was given a pseudo name in English for child protection and easy identification.

Laura and I have always adored the name "Charlotte."  In our history, we talked about naming a little girl by that name.  If Tommy was a girl, that's the name we were going to use. Then Noah came along, and obviously was not a Charlotte. Then Audrey, who at the time it felt right to name her Audrey as a namesake to her Grandmother "Nanny" and my Aunt Audrey.  Two women of impeccable character and women we looked up to.  Caleb, obviously not a Charlotte, and Isabell, who again, Charlotte just didn't fit.  In fact Laura has told her sisters that if any of them ever have little girls, the name "Charlotte" is off the table for them.  Period.  She means business.  Don't go there. (You gotta know Laura to get the seriousness of this statement. Seriously)


Back to the database of waiting children.

There was a girl on the database with the name "Charlotte."  We found out her Chinese name was Yawen.  A little girl with a cute round face, full of life eyes, and a diagnosis of Cerebral Palsy. Of course Laura gravitated to her file and requested information on her (this was before we had even looked at the files of our Isabell and Caleb) however she was not available at the time, some other family somewhere had her file and was possibly adopting her.  Since her file was not available, Laura prayed for her.  She prayed that a family would care for this little "Charlotte" and prayed for her to find a forever family.  We continued to look at children on the waiting list and eventually found our Isabell and Caleb, locked in their files and proceeded to bring them home to be a part of our family.


Fast forward 1 year.  

Laura and I are in China for a week at this point.  We have our Caleb and we are now in Guiyang, China picking up Isabell.  We arrived in a small office in a part of China that MAYBE has two-four adoptions a year.  We are chatting with Isabell's foster family.

Here is where the story starts to connect.

Through all the questions we had for the foster family we find out that Isabell has a foster sister that lives with them too and she's available for adoption.  Her foster sister's name... Yawen.

Knowing Yawen was Isabell's foster sister and the odds of 2000+ children on the waiting list in a country with over a million orphans, knowing these two girls were actually living together in a remote part of the country. Knowing they grew up together. Knowing all of this, well,  Laura knew one thing.....God was moving.

I on the other hand did not feel the movement. In fact, any form of "movement" I was feeling I chalked it up to indigestion and jet lag. Once we got back to Indiana, I suppressed any knowledge of that feeling, I hid deep in the recesses of my heart what I knew. I denied what my own heart knew. I was overwhelmed on many fronts; knowing we now had five children - five and under, some with special needs, some with a misdiagnosis that was way more complicated and difficult than what I had planned. Knowing this information, put much fear and much trepidation in my heart.  How would I continue to lead our family? How could I provide for all of our children in each of their unique needs? All I could think about was our small-mustard colored house that we lived in that needed repair and remodeling for a, gulp, wheelchair.  I would wake up at night scared not knowing what lies ahead for us.  All I could think about was the unique needs each of our children seemed to have and  I as the leader of my household had no idea how to guide them or direct them or help them. I felt that I was not leading very well at all, so to add more to lead was surely a bad idea if I couldn't even manage these five. It was all about what I felt was best.  All about what I wanted.  All about what I knew I needed to control.

I went into a season of "enough".  I reached my "enough".  Circle the wagons, it was time for internal focus on what I was living for.  By July of last year, Laura had brought up to me several times "Charlotte" and it broke her heart.  Weeping like I never saw, she would stand before me saying her heart breaks that Isabell's sister is there and we can't bring her home.  She just cried over and over again, that she felt like there was just to many "miracles" that this was our Charlotte.  I would just think to myself, someone else can handle that. I can't handle another little girl, let alone another little girl with Cerebral Palsy.

I would just look at her with a cold stare and even colder heart.  Refusing to see the hurt in my wife, refusing to help her deal with this, refusing to partner with my partner....I didn't just build a hedge....I built a wall stronger than Fort Knox.  Discussions on the topic of "Charlotte" turned into arguments and then to fights.  I refused to listen to Laura, or even talk with her about it-  I kept my wagons circled.  I failed Laura as a husband during this time.  One Saturday afternoon; it got bad.  Really really bad.  

Laura and I argued for the morning and into afternoon and to make a long story short, her parents got involved in our "conversations."  Her dad took me out for a drink to have a "guy to guy" talk.  I explained to him about "Charlotte" and the story, except the story was my story, and only a half truth of a story- and after the conversation He agreed we should be on the same page, because based on what I told him (the lie that God wasn't calling me) we weren't on the same page.  I won that battle; for whatever worth that was. We came back and shared I had told Laura's dad about Charlotte.  When Laura heard I told her dad about Charlotte, and told him a story that wasn't all true she knew the "conversations" were over.  I watched a piece of my wife die that day, and I knew it.

We didn't talk about "Charlotte" anymore.  I didn't pray for her anymore, I didn't pray about what God's will for my life was. I felt like I won.  I felt it was time to really begin living my life.  After all I had done enough.

I didn't speak about this to anyone.  I didn't tell my accountability partners. I didn't share about what had happened with any of my Christian friends.  I knew I was a "fake" Christian.  I knew I wasn't being honest with anyone.  I knew what God wanted of me, though.  I just knew it.

...and the sheep listen to his voice. He calls his own sheep by name and leads them out.  When he has brought out all his own, he goes on ahead of them, and his sheep follow him because they know his voice. Matthew 10: 3b-4

Then one day I remember praying.  I remember being on my knees.  I remember opening my hands and asking God what he wanted of me.  It clicked.  My eyes became open through the Spirit that I was being called to pray for "Charlotte" again.  This started slowly.  I prayed for a good month or two.  Then one day I remember being on the phone with Laura and the words just slipped out, "we need to go back and bring her sister home."

So, Laura and I talked about it with each other. We can't bring every orphan home. We don't know what the future brings. We had no idea how all the details were going to work out or if they were even going to work out. We might be making a huge mistake.  This may be one of the most difficult things we do.  This may be a bigger challenge than we can even imagine. But one thing for sure, it has taught me than living with open hands is the best way to live. Letting God use me, however he pleases is the place to be.  Putting the focus on what God wants instead of what I want is where peace and comfort are found.

This means six children ages six and under.

So with that, China is in our destination again.  In fact, I leave tomorrow to go back to bring "Charlotte" home and forever be our Charlotte.

I can now look back and see some of the ways God moved.  In the very beginning, in something as simple as a name planted in our hearts. In meeting her foster parents, In bringing Isabell home first, In the therapists we have, in the time we've spent getting used to heading to Shriners all the time, in the drawing me closer to Himself. 


We've decided to apply the motto "Leave No One Behind" and not leave our little Charlotte an orphan any longer.

 





 

Love.

I don't say it hardly enough.  I suck at it.  I mean really, really suck at it. 

Spend a day with me, and I'll chitter chatter on and on about artificial sweeteners (YUCK!), gardening, chickens, zillions of books I am trying to read, school, education, the kids, doctor appointments, church, friends... almost everything.

Except my husband.

Oh yes, "daddy" is always talked about and mentioned, and we pray for daddy, and love daddy, and I mention "Kenney" his work, and his schedule, and his sometimes maybe annoying habits (phone in the bathroom... seriously????)

But I love him.

 

 

Like, really, really love him.

And I am blessed.

Like, really, really blessed to have him.

And once I realized he IS the man God gave me, and he isn't my brothers, or my friends, or uncles, or even my dad.  He is Kenney, a man that God deeply loves, loves so much, that Jesus, His own son, died for MY husband... and I married him!  That is exciting.  It is easy to compare him to others, and see what he isn't, it is easy to find fault.  Too easy.  I fail.  I find too much fault, and do too much comparing, too much of the time!

Then, something like this last weekend happens, and I have to remember.  I need to put it forever in my memory.  I need to be reminded.  I need to keep the thoughts, the feelings, the words near to my heart daily.

So I stole his best man speech (see point #3 - it really is mine anyway) that he gave at his brother's wedding this last weekend.

I didn't edit, or change anything... I want to remember, just the way it was, well, maybe minus the five kids at my table begging for dinner to start. 



Good evening Ladies and Gentlemen- My name is Ken Kolanowski, brother of the groom and I have the privilege and honor of serving as the Best Man.

To your parents; thank you for this enchanted evening in addition to raising two fine individuals. To each an every one of you, thank you for your attendance in celebrating this marriage as close family and friends of Joanna and Andy.

Let me first say that the bridesmaids look absolutely lovely today, and only rightly outshone by our bride, Joanna. And, I'm sure you'll agree with me gentlemen, today is a sad day for single men, as another beautiful women leaves the available list. And ladies, I'm sure you'll agree that today is passing by without much of a ripple, just kidding Andy.....

Growing up in Dolton, Andy and I shared our childhood together in the same room for more than 16 years. I look back at those 16 years of my life and while I didn't share the special bond he and Gina share as twins, we were brothers. I look back and I see things we have done together. Boy Scouts, Church Camps, High School Drama, amongst many memories. I thought long and hard about what embarrassing story or detail to share with everyone here tonight; and I decided that I didn't want to do that.

Your little brother wants to charge you in your marriage instead. In life as the big brother, you have been first to do many things, however I have spent nearly the last 7 years married to my blushing bride and want to share with you what has been so precious to me so that you and Joanna do not miss out on what marriage really is.

-Love each other more than yourself. Give 100% - as giving 50% and expecting the other person to give 50% is just two people giving it their half, not their all.  

-Your spouse comes first. Before family, before children, before all others - always.

-Always be prepared to put aside personal feelings of discomfort or injustice to keep communication lines open. There is not one square inch of you that does not belong to the other so share and discuss and grow. Never be afraid of, and always appreciate the truth in both giving and receiving.

-You may not always remember verbatim what you say, but they remember for years how you made them feel. Every time you make each other feel better about themselves, in their eyes you seem better.

-Let each other be emotional and pick your battles.

-Do not speak in absolutes, yet specific examples; not to defame, yet to build.

Those are all nice post-it sayings butt there is one key to a successful marriage..... Ensure Christ is the center of your marriage....let me repeat that; ensure CHRIST is the center of your marriage. In the scriptures the word Love is the 6th most used word.  God states several things about marriage and love that I wanted to point out.....
 Proverbs 18: 22 He who finds a wife finds a good thing and obtains favor from the Lord.

Ephesians 4:32
Be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, as God in Christ forgave you.

 Proverbs 31:10  A wife of noble character who can find? She is worth far more than rubies.

1Corinthians 13:6-8 NIVLove does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always preserves. Love never fails.

 

Genuine love is focused on another human being. It ... brings a deep desire to make that person happy…to meet their needs and satisfy their desires and protect their interests. Real love is best described as being unselfish in all aspects, even if a personal sacrifice is required in the relationship.

So with that we toast to Andy and Joanna, may your love be as deep as the ocean, an example to others, and a lifetime of blessings to one another.

L'Chaim - to life!

This isn't how it's supposed to be...or is it?

--Posted by Kenney


As you know my amazing wife has a passion for writing and this is my turn at blogging...oh boy.


When I think back at "my" plans it did not include the current path we are on.


Rewind 10-15 years-


During college I had aspirations to be a musical performer.  I had my first piece of music published when I was 16 and thought the 'Polish Cowboy' was the next biggest thing to hit Nashville.  Laura teases me still after all these years but is still my biggest fan.  Nashville wasn't as excited about "the Polish Cowboy" as I was and didn't have the welcome wagon out for me I learned quickly that the door was closed for me.


Then in late my late teens and early 20's this awkward frame of mine started doing things with a baseball and bat that garnished a future with a certain motor town team and I was headed full steam until that door was closed for me with both ankles requiring lateral collateral ligament repairs. Door closed again.


Still passionate about baseball and those I played with, I took the education I received and started a sports management business.  A few years of success and being one of the youngest agents out there, I was out to show the world what "I" could do.  But, the lifestyle that goes with the off-field activities crept into me and too soon I found myself with a gambling problem, drinking problem and partying problem. Living by "worldly" standards I found myself searching and lost. At that time I met my wife, and I accepted Christ. Well, God and Laura weren't too thrilled about the sport's management business and that door was very quickly closed.


Laura and I married in 2006 and we began our life together planning our future.  We were blessed with Tommy in 2007 and felt the calling to adopt NOW and not AFTER we were done having our "own" children.  (note I cringe at using the word "own", as Noah, and any of my children, adopted or not ARE, my OWN) I tell the story all the time of the day in January 2008 when Laura called me at work and told me we needed to be in Russia in 2 weeks, which was completely out of the blue as our paperwork wasn't even completed yet; then she called me ten minutes later and told me she was pregnant.  We  looked to God and asked "do we continue with the adoption or do we only pursue one child at a time?"  We were reminded in scripture in Thessalonians 5:24 "He who calls you is faithful, and He will do it." It gave us comfort  in knowing we were not alone in this and His plan was unfolding.  A few weeks later and many flights to Russia, Noah arrived, shortly followed by Audrey being born healthy and no issues during the pregnancy.


It seemed like everything was going full steam until we decided to drive our future again. We drew plans for a 4500+ square foot house and even called it "Rustic Elegance".  Then as many felt the bubble pop on the housing market we were left with two houses, one that someone got a great deal on and one that a renter destroyed.  Of course, the destroyed one is the one we ultimately were going to tear down and build "Rustic Elegance" but with two mortgages, overseas many times and now 3 young kids under 3 we now live in the house that has both a golden harvest AND a rose colored tub!  I know you are jealous! We had been provided and blessed abundantly and when we tried to steer our future; you guessed it-someone closed the door.  (On a side note, I pause and thank God that during this time he sent my cousin Scott from Nashville up to help and for 6 weeks, he repaired the the inside of the house for us.  He felt the need to be there and help, and I think we would have lost our minds without him.)


You may have read the other posts regarding our craziness at that time and during that time our growing family of five in the 1800 square foot house with lovely harvest gold and rose colored bathrooms welcomed Laura's brother and sister in law into our home and their new baby as they needed a place to stay for 6 months... 2 1/2 years later they were able to move out into a home 10 minutes away so the kids can still see each other weekly. They sure do love each other like brothers and sisters instead of cousins. We decided taking care of the immediate need was more important than our future ones.  Now, we look back at 8 people, 2 dogs, 1 cat and 1 fish tank that cohabited in our house, and kinda miss it!


Crazy and hectic it was, but you know something?  That door was NEVER shut for us. Everything fell into place, and anything we tried to do other than live together and keep things the way they were just didn't work. Doors shut, and doors opened.


One of my closest friends taught me early in my walk with the Lord that sometimes it's good to not pray for doors to open in life, but to pray for doors to be closed that God doesn't want us going down.  Odd; this lesson was being taught to me only recently however in application the "doors" all along were being shut. Doors that I look back on and wonder if I did go through them what unknowns lay ahead, frighten me.


So, we are back in February of this year and I met with my two  friends that met everyThursday morning to encourage each other, read scripture and seek wisdom for our lives. I shared with them Laura and I felt our hearts being called to a door of adoption again, and honestly we just weren't sure. We prayed that if this was to be, or not, that God would close this door if he didn't want us going down it.


It was at this time we were looking at special needs children. Were we prepared for this? Again, we prayed for God to close the door if he didn't want us to go down that path.  But, with my employment, healthcare is provided readily and with Noah, and having 3-4 different therapists in our home weekly we just couldn't seem to close the door on special needs, it just seemed to be very loud and clear to us that we REALLY DO have the resources to take care of these children.  Then regarding children... I remember on our first trip to Russia sitting in the orphanage directors office; seeing the conditions and being so moved by the Spirit, I blurted out I want to adopt two instead of one.  It was too late in the game to call an audible so I told Laura if we were ever called down this road again, we would look at potentially adopting two.  Again we prayed for God to close the door if he only wanted us to adopt one.  The story of how we arrived at our two children is an amazing one, but another story in and of itself. Needless to say, the door remained very very open for us to adopt two.


In general our adoption process was quick and had no barriers or obstacles that MANY if not most adopting families encounter, Our door just kept staying open. Every single time we second guessed ourselves, faithfully God reminded us each and every time this door is open and for us to go down.  
We have struggled with where we have been led. (remember, we are still sinners living in a fallen world)  Five kids under five?  In fact, Tommy will still be four when they arrive home from China; so technically five kids under four?


Are we crazy? (don't answer that)-



The kiddos... reminding us of how blessed we already are!



Who in their right mind "chooses" this.  Already blessed with 3 children, who elects to take every penny found in the house and bank, and go out and bring home a child that is deaf and one that may never walk? Who does this? Who wants the stresses, the bills, the unknowns; who chooses that. Each time we have been led to this door and we have many times had the chance to close the door on our own, it remained not only open, but it seemed there was a giant shove behind us into it, and we have faithfully entered.


So is this how it is supposed to be?  If the doors haven't been shut, the answer is clear, for us. 

We hope and pray that with God much needed grace in our lives we can faithfully do what God wants of us, to one day hear..

Matthew 25:21  "Well done, good and faithful servant. You have been faithful over a little; I will set you over much.  Enter into the joy of your Master"