30 days.

30 days.

That's how long we've shared our time together with our newest little girl.

I'm thinking about the 30 days prior to these last 30 days and the 30 days prior to those last 30 days...I'm thinking about how strange it is that sets upon sets of 30 days can go by, and our lives remain the same.  Then suddenly 30 days can go by and our lives are forever drastically changed.  Even more thought provoking is the fact that as prepared or planned out my weeks and days and months even years may be- I never know the impact 30 days will have on me. 

The thoughts are scattered, the life lessons still aren't totally clear, and some of the reality isn't quite as real as maybe it will be.  Nonetheless there are some things we are chewing on.  Good things, bad things, sin things, flesh things, practical things, God things.

We destroy arguments and every lofty opinion raised against the knowledge of God, and take every thought captive to obey Christ-  2 Corinthians 10:5

This little girl has brought to the surface a problem both Kenney and I have.  We are NOT taking our thoughts captive and forcing them to be obedient to Christ.  We've just let our thoughts be our thoughts.  They come in and maybe we don't act upon them, but, we've given them a home and a place to stay, and even three good meals a day- all regardless of their allegiance.  Thoughts. They seem so innocent, so harmless, we say things like "we're human" "we're sinners" "this is all normal and a part of living in a fallen world" but, do we EVER say things like "hey, somebody lock those thoughts up and don't let them out until they have conformed to what Christ would have me think."

Captive.  What a simple word with such a simple meaning.  To confine or imprison.

What happens when we don't take our thoughts captive?  What happens when our thoughts have free reign?

It was two am in the morning and three in the afternoon in China.  Thoughts are running wild and spilling out of our mouths through the miracle of wireless phone calls. What if she never talks?  What if she never walks?  She is the only little girl that is handicapped out of the 80 other people doing medicals- why do all these other people have it "easier"?  What if we never have alone time again?  I can't do this.  We can't do this.  What have we done.  What about our other kids?  We'll never vacation again.  We can't afford two power chairs and adaptive aids and therapy tools.  What if all of our time is spent with Speech Therapy, and OT and PT and doctor appointments?  Our lives are already so busy and so full, we can't possibly make it any more full and stay afloat.  What about us?  What about our marriage?  What if it's never just "us" again?  What if we are cutting food and wiping mouths and changing diapers until we die?  We had dreams ya know- dreams full of just Kenney and I, just him and I and coffee shops and quaint restaurants, beaches and Zombie Dust (that would be our island beer) dreams of quiet mornings, spontaneous living, and weekend getaways.  What if this is what our lives are like forever...

I'd like to say this was just one conversation.  I'd like to say we talked about it and worked it out.  We didn't.  We've spent HOURS upon HOURS of conversations like this in the last 30 days.

So we tried to fix it all.... tried to make it all get better and go away.  We knew things were broken, and so we tried to fix it. 

1. The Comparison Game
This one is a favorite of ours.  It's seems to be the go to remedy in our fix-it tool box.  And just like basic screwdrivers, there are two go-to favorites -the Phillips head and the flat head.  The Phillips head approach- compare our lives with people who have it seemingly better than us.  So we looked around at the people we knew that didn't have any kids with disabilities.  We looked around at the people that have booming college funds and big houses and separate rooms for their kids.  We looked around at the people going on family vacations - rock climbing, white water rafting, swimming, and hiking.  And we sank even further.  We found our lives to be ugly and not fun.  Suddenly everything was bad.  The house- bad.  The cars- bad.  Our kids-all bad.  Heck- we even looked at our wedding pictures and decided those weren't very good either, especially since someone else had better ones than us.  The pity party comparison /Phillips head screwdriver approach failed us miserably.  Because all it did was make us even more miserable.  Clearly the problem must have been who and what we compared our lives to- so we moved on to the flat head screwdriver approach.  Compare our lives with others who have it worse than us.  So we compared ourselves to the parents who have lost their children in this world.  The pain didn't go away.  Suddenly we were overwhelmed with guilt and how insensitive we must be.  We thought thoughts like "We should be thankful our children are here with us right now."  "We should be thankful that we are not in and out of hospitals, thankful our children can eat and chew and swallow and smile and communicate with us, thankful they are happy, thankful they are not in pain...."  Funny thing is, we were thankful for all those things, but it still felt like our arm was on fire, and while we were thankful our house wasn't on fire, mostly, we were still a bit concerned about the arm that IS on fire.  Problem is, pain is pain, and hurt is hurt, and sin is sin, and being thankful doesn't make sin go away.  ONLY God takes away sin. 

2.  The Convincible Ally
Find someone, in particular someone who doesn't exactly know you well.  Someone who might not want to offend you.  Someone who probably really doesn't care, but key is, you have to be able to act like they know you well and care tons.  A co-worker, or friend in your yoga class, maybe the cleaning lady, or hair-dresser.  So we tell them our story (clearly leaving out any details that might make us seem like the bad guys.)  We use words that make us sound like the hero of the story "We're really thankful she can get the therapy here she needs, but isn't it so sad that she can't walk?" Guess what the natural response is?  Someone gushing over us, telling us how awesome of parents we must be, telling us we deserve so much more, the praise pours over us and we bask in the accomplishment.  Not only did we get someone to side with us and totally agree with our point of view, we became saints in the process.  Then we went home.  Then we talked with each other again.  Kenney doesn't think I'm a saint, as a matter of fact, he has first hand knowledge that I am not.  And, while Kenney was calling me out, he probably used an expletive of some sort... no saint there either.  Spouses have a way of bringing the truth to the surface.  Spouses destroy the self-praise bandwagon. 

3.  Just Go With It
Our last ditch effort- just let the feelings guide us.  Fear and worry- just go with it.  Who cares if we go to bed scared and crying.  Who cares if we wake up cursing the day.  What does it matter if we're happy and friendly.    Praise God for the Holy Spirit!  Praise God for Grace!  One of Tommy's first Sunday School lessons resonated through our heads- Why were we created?  To bring God glory.  These feelings were not bringing God glory.

Lastly (which should have been the first- again- Praise God for his infinite Grace)
We prayed together.  Laying in bed, our eyes were closed and Kenney prayed.  I don't even know the words he used.  I don't remember anything, other than surrender.  Giving it all to God.  No more fixing it.  No more comparison games or going with it, or pity parties- everything was surrendered.  Every thought, every feeling, every worry, all put at the foot of the cross.  Together we surrendered.

and take every thought captive to obey Christ-  2 Corinthians 10:5 

We're moving on.  We're taking those thoughts captive, and surrendering them, handing them over to Christ.  After all, we are powerless to make our thoughts obey Christ, it is only CHRIST himself that can change us, and change our thoughts.  We're changing, we're growing and we're learning new things together. In 30 days, our little Charlotte has changed our lives forever.  Our prayer is that she changes our lives, our marriage, and our parenting to reflect more and more of Christ, and less and less of ourselves.  We pray she brings Him glory.  We pray she helps us, together, through our parenting and our marriage- bring Him glory. 

Practically speaking, this article was AWESOME!  Really gave Kenney and I a much needed perspective.  To summarize:  Don't believe everything you think; The heart is deceitful above all things and beyond cure. Who can understand it? (Jeremiah 17:9) Fill your minds with the right things; I will not set before my eyes anything that is worthless. (Psalm 101:3) Don't stop learning; Wise men store up knowledge . . . (Proverbs 10:14), Those who get wisdom do themselves a favor, and those who love learning will succeed. (Proverbs 19:8), “My people are destroyed from lack of knowledge.” (Hosea 4:6) Feed yourself on God's word.

Hindsight is 20/20.  I can look back on the last couple of weeks and see some of the areas we failed prior to our meltdowns.  We believed our thoughts.  We filled our minds with worthless and useless things, instead of God's word.  We didn't store up the truths we'd already learned.  I could go on and on.... I'll say it again, PRAISE GOD FOR HIS GRACE! 

 

Love.

I don't say it hardly enough.  I suck at it.  I mean really, really suck at it. 

Spend a day with me, and I'll chitter chatter on and on about artificial sweeteners (YUCK!), gardening, chickens, zillions of books I am trying to read, school, education, the kids, doctor appointments, church, friends... almost everything.

Except my husband.

Oh yes, "daddy" is always talked about and mentioned, and we pray for daddy, and love daddy, and I mention "Kenney" his work, and his schedule, and his sometimes maybe annoying habits (phone in the bathroom... seriously????)

But I love him.

 

 

Like, really, really love him.

And I am blessed.

Like, really, really blessed to have him.

And once I realized he IS the man God gave me, and he isn't my brothers, or my friends, or uncles, or even my dad.  He is Kenney, a man that God deeply loves, loves so much, that Jesus, His own son, died for MY husband... and I married him!  That is exciting.  It is easy to compare him to others, and see what he isn't, it is easy to find fault.  Too easy.  I fail.  I find too much fault, and do too much comparing, too much of the time!

Then, something like this last weekend happens, and I have to remember.  I need to put it forever in my memory.  I need to be reminded.  I need to keep the thoughts, the feelings, the words near to my heart daily.

So I stole his best man speech (see point #3 - it really is mine anyway) that he gave at his brother's wedding this last weekend.

I didn't edit, or change anything... I want to remember, just the way it was, well, maybe minus the five kids at my table begging for dinner to start. 



Good evening Ladies and Gentlemen- My name is Ken Kolanowski, brother of the groom and I have the privilege and honor of serving as the Best Man.

To your parents; thank you for this enchanted evening in addition to raising two fine individuals. To each an every one of you, thank you for your attendance in celebrating this marriage as close family and friends of Joanna and Andy.

Let me first say that the bridesmaids look absolutely lovely today, and only rightly outshone by our bride, Joanna. And, I'm sure you'll agree with me gentlemen, today is a sad day for single men, as another beautiful women leaves the available list. And ladies, I'm sure you'll agree that today is passing by without much of a ripple, just kidding Andy.....

Growing up in Dolton, Andy and I shared our childhood together in the same room for more than 16 years. I look back at those 16 years of my life and while I didn't share the special bond he and Gina share as twins, we were brothers. I look back and I see things we have done together. Boy Scouts, Church Camps, High School Drama, amongst many memories. I thought long and hard about what embarrassing story or detail to share with everyone here tonight; and I decided that I didn't want to do that.

Your little brother wants to charge you in your marriage instead. In life as the big brother, you have been first to do many things, however I have spent nearly the last 7 years married to my blushing bride and want to share with you what has been so precious to me so that you and Joanna do not miss out on what marriage really is.

-Love each other more than yourself. Give 100% - as giving 50% and expecting the other person to give 50% is just two people giving it their half, not their all.  

-Your spouse comes first. Before family, before children, before all others - always.

-Always be prepared to put aside personal feelings of discomfort or injustice to keep communication lines open. There is not one square inch of you that does not belong to the other so share and discuss and grow. Never be afraid of, and always appreciate the truth in both giving and receiving.

-You may not always remember verbatim what you say, but they remember for years how you made them feel. Every time you make each other feel better about themselves, in their eyes you seem better.

-Let each other be emotional and pick your battles.

-Do not speak in absolutes, yet specific examples; not to defame, yet to build.

Those are all nice post-it sayings butt there is one key to a successful marriage..... Ensure Christ is the center of your marriage....let me repeat that; ensure CHRIST is the center of your marriage. In the scriptures the word Love is the 6th most used word.  God states several things about marriage and love that I wanted to point out.....
 Proverbs 18: 22 He who finds a wife finds a good thing and obtains favor from the Lord.

Ephesians 4:32
Be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, as God in Christ forgave you.

 Proverbs 31:10  A wife of noble character who can find? She is worth far more than rubies.

1Corinthians 13:6-8 NIVLove does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always preserves. Love never fails.

 

Genuine love is focused on another human being. It ... brings a deep desire to make that person happy…to meet their needs and satisfy their desires and protect their interests. Real love is best described as being unselfish in all aspects, even if a personal sacrifice is required in the relationship.

So with that we toast to Andy and Joanna, may your love be as deep as the ocean, an example to others, and a lifetime of blessings to one another.

L'Chaim - to life!

An Ordinary Day. An Extraordinary God.

I stole the title.  I read it somewhere else, and loved it.  It speaks truth to my life. 

A beautiful day in Crown Point today.  The wind blew and the sun shined.  The temperature was perfect.  We planted potatoes.  The kids walked the trails.  The dogs chased squirrels.  Kids quarreled.  We ate breakfast.  We ate lunch.  Kenney came home and we opted for a simple dinner.  Nachos, fresh pineapple, and a last minute pinterest find of zucchini bites.  The adults in the family drank a glass of wine.  We sat at the table.  Tommy and Audrey were reminded to keep sitting.  We all took turns praying. (We actually fight about who gets to pray at the dinner table... ummm... something a bit wrong with that picture!)  Noah had to be reminded to stay focused.  Caleb had to be reminded to keep chewing.  Isabell had to be hand fed.  Tommy chatted on and on about the pet frog he wanted and his walk to Nana's house today. 

All the while Kenney and I talked about how excited we are to have friends coming to visit us.  We talked about what kind of dog we would like when it's time to get another dog.  We talked about trips to the beach, about vacations.  We chatted about our favorite places to eat.  We talked about school for the kids. 

I decided I needed some things from Home Depot and we cleared the table and at 7pm made a trip out with the family.

At the end of the day

the dishes are still in the sink

the laundry still waits to be put away


But tonight, Kenney and I sat and talked while the kids slept.  We enjoyed the evening.  We enjoyed the hustle and bustle of our gifts of children.  We enjoyed each other.  We both realized today, neither dishes or laundry were what mattered. 

In our ordinary day, God was glorified.  In our marriage, in our parenting, in our children - He was glorified.

Through all our mistakes, through the kids fighting, through every little detail of the day, God is still good.  He is always good.  He is always perfect.  He is always glorified.  There is nothing in my day that can not be used to bring Him glory. 

That is something to be excited about. 

These last months have been a challenge for us.  We have growing pains.  We are finding our groove.  Growing together.  Finding routine.   God is reminding us of our fallen state.  God is reminding us He is faithful.  Isabell's diagnosis of arthrogryposis has been a hit to us.  Letting go of expectations has been hard.  Satan seems to enjoy knocking at our door.  Kenney and I have had much learning and growing to do.  Each new change in our lives brings new characteristics to the surface. 

But tonight- we confess our sins.  We enjoy each other.  We enjoy our children.  We are thankful of the gifts God has given us. 

I am thankful that God knows what I need.  Even in my efforts to be realistic, and of sound mind, He knows what we need.  Isabell may never walk, may never be fully mobile.  And the sad truth is, had we known that ...  I can not say we would have made the choice that God obviously wanted us to make- because here she is, our daughter, by God's perfect plan. 

I rejoice in the fact that God is in control.  His plans for us are perfect, because God is good.

In our projects, busyness, medical diagnosis, events, and run around.  We have forgotten who God is.

He sent His son to die for our sins, because HE LOVED US.  (John 3:16)

He loved us so much, that even in our sin, in our busyness,in our forgetfulness, in our run around and medical diagnosis... in all of that... HE DIED FOR US.  (Romans 5:8)

I pray I remember today.  I remember the ordinary.  I remember the little things, the simple things.  I remember God is and can always be glorified regardless of the day, location, or circumstance.  I pray Kenney and I cling to that truth.  I pray we remember He loves us. 

Great is Thy Faithfulness

In the month of February Kenney and I celebrate Valentine's Day on the 14th and our Wedding Anniversary on the 18th.


In Northwest Indiana February seems to be a bit of a dreary, cold, but not cold enough for ice skating and snow sports, no sun and a bit depressing of a month.


In an effort to cure the dullness of February and be thankful for what goodness abounds even in the month of February we celebrate those two events very specially!


We hang paper heart lights up and keep them lit all the time -

We put bright red and pink valentines on the mantel and decorate with snowflakes and glittery snowmen.

We always have a special valentines day dinner and eat on Kenney's Honey Grams pink flower dishes. We decorate the table and have a dinner of Kenney's choice.  This year it was New York strip steaks, with a rosemary and chive Gorgonzola crust, bacon wrapped asparagus, spinach and artichoke stuffed mushrooms, a spinach salad with all the kids favorites on top- bacon, cheese, crasins, and grape tomatoes, with a sweet poppy seed dressing, and for dessert Kenney's favorite French silk pie!

And to top it all off, we attended the wedding of my cousin on February 18th, and celebrated. Kenney even requested Bon Jovi's "Livin' on a Prayer" at the reception and we sang and danced and relived the memories. Kenney even air guitar-ed and slid across the dance floor. Audrey danced like it was her job. (I know I am in trouble when she is older.) Noah randomly found food left on tables and ate till he could literally eat no more, and Tommy found a table to cozy up under and fell asleep. Only of course after we spent a frantic five minutes looking for him and I was seconds away from pulling the mic from the DJ and calling for a complete search of the hall. 

Needless to say, we have decided to take the dullness of February and kick it in the butt! 


Most importantly for us though is the celebration of our marriage. We've been talking about what we've done in these six years, what the next six will be like, and what we've learned. While we are still mostly in the learning stages (aren't we all...) of our marriage more than the teaching stage, it seems we came away with two things that were most important for and to us.


First, that God is faithful. We chose the song as part of our wedding ceremony because of the rich truths it spoke to us. God had been individually and personally faithful in providing us a partner and spouse. God never changes, His compassion's they fail not, how He has been He always will be. For our wedding it was a sharp contrast and reminder of how we are NOT like Christ, we change, we fail, we lack in compassion. For us, it was a reminder that if we rely on ourselves in this marriage we will fail. But, if we rely on Christ our marriage will be blessed... and it has.
     

     "Great is Thy faithfulness," O God my Father,

There is no shadow of turning with Thee;

Thou changest not, Thy compassions, they fail not

As Thou hast been Thou forever wilt be.

Then, after our honeymoon period (which went by really, really fast) we realized quickly we have problems. Arguments with each other, problems with the kids, issues with money, issues with greed and un-thankfullness. We made some good decisions, but we also made some pretty stupid ones (umm two mortgages at the same time when we could barely afford one?  Ask my parents about the blacktopping the driveway fiasco- I think they still are mad about it) It was quite obvious that we needed a God who was merciful on a daily basis because we needed to bring our sin to Him and be forgiven...over and over again. We needed hope and we needed to be reminded that God was with us, and as His children HE was our guide, not ourselves.

Pardon for sin and a peace that endureth,
Thy own dear presence to cheer and to guide;
Strength for today and bright hope for tomorrow,
Blessings all mine, with ten thousand beside!

And then as we ventured out on our adoption journeys, God began shaping us. He began showing us that what we thought we needed, well we just didn't. We are now on our 4th design plan for remodeling our house, and it seems each time God is telling us we just don't need more. We thought we needed what the marriage books said, special weekly date nights, or girls or boys night out. We thought we needed more babysitters for our kids- more alone time for ourselves. We thought we needed more friends and more people involved in our life. It seemed the world was telling us marriages fail, and we needed all of these things to "safeguard" our marriage. For Kenney and I, we realized God had given us what we needed.  He may use friends, or date nights, but it seemed that we were relying on the friends and date nights (or lack thereof) and freaking out when we didn't get what everyone else seemed to be getting. When we let God give us what we needed, when we saw our children as the blessing they were and are, when we put 100% of our trust in Him, we realized He did give us everything we needed.

"Great is Thy faithfulness!" "Great is Thy faithfulness!"
  Morning by morning new mercies I see;
All I have needed Thy hand hath provided—
    "Great is Thy faithfulness," Lord, unto me!

That song pretty much sums up everything for us.  But, Kenney likes to play the "what if" game, so he asked if we could pick just one verse to meditate on for the year, if there was one verse to live out in our marriage what would it be?  I absolutly hate when he does this, I like the whole Bible, all the verses, but he tells me "the game" isn't played that way, so of course, I consent to pick a verse with him.  Funny thing, we seriously both chose the same verse! 

Philippians 2:3  Let nothing be done through selfish ambition or conceit, but in lowliness of mind let each esteem others better than himself.

Oh dear God, if we could truly live this verse out. If we could kindly spit in the face of the world and live NOT for ourselves. If we could ONLY think of each others needs.  If I could put aside myself. If I thought of my husband as better than myself, and let my actions show that, and he did that for me...I could only imagine the joy, the blessing, the glory of God that our marriage would reveal. If we died to ourselves daily, and lived our life with this verse in mind each and every single moment of every single day, what glory we could bring to our Father in heaven. This year that is the verse we will mediate on, heck I just might even frame it!

The Things I Don't Say

If you know me well, or are a close family member of mine, you are reading the title and laughing.  You are probably laughing quite hard, because there isn't too much I don't say...


I am a bit loud, up-front, bold, obnoxious, talkative, and passionate, as well as some other things! Those things can be both a blessing, and my downfall.


God tells us to be ready to give a defense for the hope that is within us. (1 Peter 3:15)
He tells us to defend the cause of the weak and the fatherless. (Psalm 83:2-4)
He tells us to use our words to speak boldly for His cause. (Acts 4:28-30)


However, God also tells us that reckless words can pierce like swords, but words using wisdom can bring healing. (Proverbs 12:18) God also tells us to watch what we say, and guard our words to keep ourselves out of trouble. (Proverbs 21:23) And God also tells us to guard our lips and don't speak rashly. (Psalm 13:3)


OUCH!  Those are some obvious weaknesses of mine, and if you ask Kenney he would so be "amen-ing!"


The last of my seriousness for this post is this: I do not speak kindly enough most importantly to my husband. I do not always tell him the things I appreciate about him. I am thankful for the things he does for me and the family. I am thankful he is willing at 9:30 at night to run to Menards and get more pint jars because I made a bit too much salsa.  I am thankful he enjoys and is appreciative of whatever meal we eat, even if it's just frozen pizza, or a rosemary and bacon stuffed grilled portabella mushroom.  I am thankful he tries.  He pursues being a godly husband and a godly daddy.  He keeps his mouth shut (unlike me) and lets me ramble on about the zillion projects I think I am going to do.  When I say lets (fill in the blank) he doesn't shoot me down or criticize my crazy, irrational ideas!


About two months ago, I had the crazy idea to tear down our pantry, relocate it, add some cabinets or storage as well as a new 8 foot long counter top, basically do a kind of remodel. Oh yeah, pretty much no money in the budget either, so we needed to be resourceful and creative.  Kenney came home to this...

And then, the next day he came home to this...

Yep, all three of them, painting!  For real...painting!  And yep, that is Audrey in her underwear... painting!


Then, I realized I wouldn't have any upper cabinets and needed a space to put my spices.  So I asked Kenney to build me some kind of a spice rack.  Sounds easy enough.  Except... I have over 50 spices, the wall I wanted the rack on is a pocket door wall, so no studs, and I wanted it to match my cabinets.  By the way, Kenney does insurance not carpentry!  And yet, through all of this, he wasn't mad at me, no harsh words, no anger (okay most of the time) and he built me a spice rack!

It hangs from the rafters, so no need for support on the wall, and it matches the rest of the kitchen!  And yes, I. Use. Every. Single. Spice. (so much so, that I usually refill them all at least 2x a year)

I LOVE IT!

So this is for Kenney, for the things I don't say!

And this is for Kenney... if he can build me a great spice rack, what do you think about this in his future?

I love it! Four boys in our future?  Ya never know!