One Boy, One Picture and One God (part 2 of 2)

That's the picture that we all looked at.  This family fell in love with the cutest fuzzy haired boy. 

But, the events that have led up to where we are today, are nothing short of a miracle.  And we are overjoyed and forever changed to be a part of it.

We requested Caleb's file, however it was unavailable at the time, as another family was looking into adopting him, so we started looking at other children.  We found Isabell, locked in her file and started to proceed with the adoption.

Caleb's file was available again.  The family didn't proceed.

We decided to adopt two.

Only weeks before we were getting ready to leave for China, I just so happened to decide to look up the weather for Zhengzhou (where he is from) and got somehow re-routed to a yahoo group, found where he lived (in an awesome group home, not the local orphanage) found the director of the home, and within hours was on the phone with her.

If you don't know this story, feel free to catch up here.

She then gives me the information of a woman from the states, who just so happens to be doing an internship there, gives me her facebook info, we become friends, and start talking.

We hoped to somehow find time while in China to possibly meet up, and planned for a Tuesday.

Things happened, she couldn't get off of work due to a child dying. (if after reading that statement you don't want to cry, read it again)  She suggested maybe we meet on Wednesday, however we already had plans with our agency for that Wednesday.

While in China, originally our agency has planned on us seeing the local orphanage of the city where Caleb was from, however, something fell through the loops and we were unable to go.

Our guide/translator who is pretty much with us at all times, suggested we see a museum or something, so we planned on doing that with her.  But for whatever reason, last minute, decided it would be better to visit with the lady who took care of our son for the last 6 months.

Next thing we know, we are here.

And spending time with these kids:

We asked about each child.  Asked about their health and special needs.  Asked if anyone had inquired about them.  We asked lots and lots of questions. 

One little girl stood out, she looked tired and was quiet.  She spent much of her time in the corner away from almost everyone else, except when the kids got together to sing songs.  She loved to sing songs.  No one had inquired about her.  She had an untreated heart condition, that if NOT treated we were told she would die.  We were told, it should have already been treated, but she is an orphan, and the cost and the care in China is insurmountable.  So there she sat.  Dying.  No mommy to tuck her in and sing her songs.  Dying.  No daddy to tell her she is loved and adored. Dying.

Kenney and I spent the rest of the entire day talking about her and her friend (next to her in the above picture) We already had Caleb, and we would be picking up Isabell soon, and two is the limit for adopting at one time within a year or two period. We wondered if somehow we could go back and get her.  We knew in our hearts it wasn't an option.  But, she was dying.  I held her.  I was there.  She wasn't just a name or a face.  She was real.  I thought about how precious she is to our Heavenly Father.  I thought about my own children.  How much I loved them and held them and cared for them. I wondered if she would grow up and know the name of Jesus.  I wondered if she would even grow up.  My heart just hurt so miserably.  I was past crying and tears.  There was just a burden and an ache that wouldn't go away. 

I didn't know what to do.

We laid down for bed that night and we couldn't sleep. We just prayed over and over again the same prayer. "God, what can we do?"  "Is there even anything we can do?"

It seemed there was no answer, no solution, no way to help.

So, in an act of desperation.  Because I wanted someone to tell me I wasn't alone.  Because I wanted someone to tell me that there was someone who understood the pain my heart felt.  I posted her picture on facebook, to share with my friends that this little girl without a mommy and daddy, will die, and that makes my heart hurt.

And from the other side of the world someone saw her picture.  Our friends the Carr's read the words and felt God calling them.  In the words of Eva "that's what the message said {if she doesn't get a mommy and daddy she's going to die} plain and simple...and impossible to ignore."

Their story is not our story, but our little boy will forever be a part of their story, of the story HE is writing for all of us.  Their story includes God moving mountains, of them bringing home not only the little girl our heart was burdened for, but her best friend.  Their story IS grace. Read their story here and be amazed at our God!

Many, many thoughts fill my mind and heart about this little girl.

The love our Father has for her.  How He has held her and cared for her in every single detail. In us choosing Caleb, in randomly finding the yahoo group, in finding the director of her home, in finding the caretaker, in arranging for us to meet and see the home, in all the prayers, in getting her paperwork ready at exactly the moment the Carr's were ready for her, and then all the details in the Carr's story.... moving to Iowa, finding a heart specialist, meeting Chinese speaking friends, oh my heart just bursts at all the details.  Every single detail, perfect. A delicate balance, as if any one of the details failed or didn't work, the entire story would be lost.  But our God, He is in the details.  He worked every little thing out for this precious child to have a mommy and daddy.

But, one thought to me stands out.  One thing, I have thought about almost every day for the last six months.

What if that picture never got posted?

While I 100% believe in a sovereign God.  That He knows everything.  Every thought before I think it.  Every person before they are formed.  He knows tomorrow and the next and the next.  There is nothing God doesn't know.  Nothing that surprises Him.  He is all powerful, omnipotent, and perfect.

But, we have free will, and always have a choice. (note, that would be a dad-ism, you have a choice, you always have a choice.)

There is a lesson here for me.  A lesson to be reminded that God can use anyone and anything, no matter how small.  So many times I move through life doing nothing.  I pass the man holding a sign on US-30.  I ignore the people who are looking to me for a friend.  I pass sign up sheets at church for help in the nursery. I spend more money on myself instead of using it to advance God's kingdom. I read articles about kids in foster care. I read articles about how hard it is to be a single mom.  I read about those who will go to bed with no food for dinner.  I think about it, it makes me sad, and then I do nothing.  Mostly, I do nothing though, because anything seems impossible.  I can't be a foster mom, I already have children that I am working through problems with, therefore, I do nothing.  The man holding the sign - I have no cash to give him, therefore I do nothing. On and on it goes.... doing nothing, all because something seems too big and too impossible. 

All along though, it's my heart that Jesus wants.  So whether I am the family adopting a sweet child who needs a mommy and daddy, or I am the family putting a picture of her on facebook.  It's my heart HE is looking at.

Something doesn't have to be big.  It can just be a picture on facebook.  It's God who does any and every good thing.  He just wants my heart, a heart open to something.

One Boy... (part 1 of 2)

There has been so much to learn and change these last 6 months.  Much of our parenting has had to change, again.  Learning how to best parent a little girl who isn't yet quite thrilled with the idea of a "new mommy" has been challenging.  Learning how to go places with 2 kids that need to be held, and one who can't walk has taken some time to iron out the kinks.  Learning to adapt to a little girl who is handicapped has taken some time.  Figuring out sleeping arrangements, eating arrangements, language barriers, therapy, doctor appointments, research, etc- has taken some time.

Most interesting though is the fact that we brought home TWO kiddos in March of this year...

What about Caleb???

He just fits in. 

 

 

Six months home and I may still be in the honeymoon period, or I might have just ruined it all by typing those words, but... he just fits in!
He hugs and kisses and loves to be held, but he loves to run around and wrestle and play cars and build forts with the couch cushions.

 

He loves to eat.  He makes meal time a joy. He eats WHATEVER we put on his plate (with the exception of some fruit.)  He sleeps through the night, he takes awesome naps, he loves baths and swimming, whatever we do, he'll do it too!  When we go places, so long as it's not past his bedtime, and mommy and/or daddy are in sight, he is just happy!  And, if he is having a normal two year old "fit" he doesn't bang his head, or throw his body anymore, no screaming, or hitting, he just puts the cutest scowl on his face, narrows his eyes (so we think he is sleeping) sticks out his lower lip and lets us know he is angry. 

Both Isabell and Caleb sit with us in church.  Mommy is assigned to Caleb, and while he is two, he is the only two year old I've ever had that actually makes it through an entire (that is almost an hour and a half people) service.  When we sing, he loves to squeeze my cheeks and watch my mouth move and randomly plant kisses on me. He spins my diamond on my wedding rings from the front of my finger to the back and then around again.  He plays like he is putting on my makeup, draws smiley faces all over, and eats enough snacks for the entire congregation.

 

 
 


He is just a happy kid.  He shows affection.  He is appropriately afraid of strangers.

Best of all though is how much the other kids love him.  It melts my heart.  Tommy repeatedly says "mommy, I just love his skin, its so perfect", "mommy, isn't he just the cutest kid ever?" He loves to hug him and love on him and wrestle.

Audrey takes Caleb's hand anytime we are going down stairs, at the park, or in a parking lot- to make sure he stays with the group. 

Noah has assumed the "big brother"role, most of the time, and makes sure he is safe and cared for, that he doesn't put toys in his mouth or fall off the couch.

This little boy is such a blessing to our family.

But, this little boy is part of an even bigger picture, a picture of God's power, God's sovereignty and most importantly God's grace.  One child has changed not just this family, not just the people who know us, but an entire other family - which shows me time and time again, God can use whomever He wants whenever He wants....

Part 1 of 2

A Tale of Two Cities...

It was the best of times and it was the worst of times…

A sweet sister in Christ shared a story with me some time ago about the mixed feelings adoption can bring, and that is how she opened her story.  I found such comfort and honesty in her story that today, I share a similar story.

We picked up Caleb on Monday February 27^th.  He stuck to me like glue.  Every movement I made, every place I went he followed.  At a near 35 pounds, carrying him around for hours on end got a bit old.  He cringed at Kenney’s touch and pitched a monumental fit when Kenney would even look at him.  We did our best to “try.” Kenney tried holding him, with me in the room, without me in the room, it didn’t matter.  Not only was it emotionally taxing, when we would go in public we would have people stare and almost yell at us, if Kenney was holding him and he was pitching a fit.

Our prayer each day was to be “a little bit closer” to make baby steps of progress.  Every day we would kneel at our bedside and repeat these thoughts.

I refuse to worry; in this world there will always be something to worry about- that is the nature of a fallen, fractured planet.  Temptations to be anxious are constantly with us, trying to worm its way into our minds, and our best defense is continual communication with HIM, richly seasoned with thanksgiving. Awareness of His presence fills our minds with light and peace, and leaves no room for fear. “Who of you by worrying can add a single hour to his life? Since you cannot do this very thing, why do you worry about the rest?” Luke 12:25-26. We would repeat God’s words, “fear not” “trust me” and over and over again we opened our hands and asked Him to go before us and take our hands.

On Monday we prayed to fear not and trust HIM

On Tuesday we prayed to fear not and trust HIM

On Wednesday we prayed  to fear not and trust HIM

On Thursday we prayed to fear not and trust HIM

On Friday we prayed to fear not and to trust HIM

On Saturday we prayed to fear not and to trust HIM

And then on Sunday morning we came before Him, so worried, so scared, we didn’t listen to His command to fear not.  The devils “what if’s” they hit you hard.  They hit even harder in a country far away from home, without my other children, without my family, without my brothers and sisters in Christ.  And so we woke up, not knowing what was going to happen when we got ready to pick up Isabell. 

Sunday morning, miraculously, Caleb ran to daddy.  We walked to the grocery store and Kenney held Caleb, the ENTIRE time.  No fussing, no crying, no screaming for mama.  It was in God’s time. God teaching us lesson after lesson in trust.  We rejoiced.

It was the best of times…

My heart was prepared for turbulent waters with Isabell.  I dreamt about how difficult “gotcha day” was going to be.  I tried to push it out of my mind, but in an almost peaceful way God was preparing my heart, almost like going through Lamaze classes, we are taught about the pain, only to deal with it better.

And there we sat in the adoption affairs office on Sunday afternoon.  It was just us and our guide.  No other families, we were alone.  The heat was not on and we sat shivering.  We heard footsteps climbing the five flights to our floor.  They walked in.  My sweet Isabell, held by her foster father, following up the stairs was her foster mother, brother, two sisters, and grandpa.  They brought her dressed beautiful, in her best coat and pants, and had even bought new shoes for the occasion.  They had bags full of gifts.  They brought her favorite toys, her favorite snacks, new hair bows, a special handmade silver charm bracelet, brand new Chinese outfits, a gift for us, and photo albums full of pictures, pictures of when she was a baby, her foster family, pictures showing places they took her, to the beach, in a stroller, when she had her surgery, to the spring festival.

They told us how they had been preparing her, but that they loved her, they wanted to see her loved, see her get the surgery and the care she needed.  She clung to the only daddy she has ever known for almost four years.  She screamed over and over again she wanted to go home and she didn’t want me.  They kept telling our guide all kinds of things about her, her favorites, how she slept, how to rub her ankles because they ached.

Stupid rules, stupid laws, I cried.  My thoughts immediately drifted to the cross.  Where Jesus bore my pain, my guilt, my sins, my fears- and the weight of it all crushed me.  To see this families love for a little girl, and to take her away.  Oh the pain in adoption I had never experienced until now.  The sins of this world that have left children abandoned, the sins of this government, that make rules that are not God’s rules.  If I could I would have begged for her first family to keep her, but the rules of the government, they can not.  Where we are they have no real medical care, and she will just get worse physically.  They would eventually take her away, and suffer grave consequences  even if they tried to keep her. There were so many tears in all our eyes.  The real sickness I felt because of this pain.  This world today reminded me it is broken, it is full of sin and pain, and heaven will have none of this.

The love this family had for Isabell was real, and pure, kind, patient, longsuffering, genuine, - agape.  In a dark place where the city practices mostly all Buddhism there is very little light.  I saw the light.  The mother kept telling our guide something, but the guide was not translating, and finally in a desperate effort the mother came up to me, opened my hand, and placed a small tiny wooden cross in my hand and said “Christos.”  At this point I was a crying, sobbing, nutcase.  I felt my body weeping, nodding my head telling her Yes! Yes!  we are too, we will teach her all about Jesus.  I looked over at Kenney and saw the tears pouring down his cheeks as well.  Even with a language barrier, we all communicated the same thing.  We understood this entire situation was crappy, but it was the only way, the best way, Jesus’ way.

We got back to the hotel room, and she screamed and cried for hours.  She cried she didn’t want me to touch her, she didn’t want me to hold her, she wanted to go home, she wanted her mamma and her baba.  I laid down with her tiny broken heart and body and cried with her and for her.  It was all I could do.  Jesus knows my thoughts.

It was the worst of times…

13 days and counting...

“Whom have I in heaven but you? And earth has nothing I desire besides you. My flesh and my heart may fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever.” Psalm 73:25-26

This was our verse this morning...

So we sit looking at each other, is this true for us?  Do we desire nothing on this earth except for Christ? 

We realize we fall short.  Our flesh wins sometimes, we want things our way, perfect in our own eyes.  We think we can do it.  We think we possess the power and the talent and the resources to accomplish our desires.  Yet, we fail, over and over again.  God is our strength, not we ourselves. 

We are resting in this verse today.  We rest knowing God will  be our strength.  He will be all we need today.  If we don't eat the food we like, or if my arms feel like breaking because I've been holding Caleb for too long, or if Kenney is trying desperately to love on Caleb and he rejects him... it's all okay, because there is nothing on earth we desire except for Christ.  He will be our portion. 

I think it might be a dadism, not sure, but somewhere, someone said "baby steps"  (okay, maybe it was Dave Ramsey...lol)

For one minute today Caleb loved daddy... only one minute and the rest, well crying would be an understatement, but one minute is a baby step

These children will forever be on our hearts, if I could I would bring them all home, but for now, baby steps, they will remain on our hearts.

And this little boy, he will forever change our lives, but for now, baby steps... pray for him, he is having a very hard time right now.

We're Home...well kinda...

We have had our little Caleb with us for one day and one night now.  I have learned a couple of things...

1.  it is a huge stereotype to say Asians are smaller.  He is killing my back!  I am almost sure he weighs as much as my Tommy, a good 30 pounds at least!

2.  Children who have grown up with no real mommy or daddy, well it's just not good for them.

My sweet little boy came from a great Foster home/orphanage.  For the last year he has been with only a small group of kids, with one or two caretakers in a home setting.  Yet the things he does out of fear, out of lack of understanding, out of lack of ever having a mommy or daddy...

He is not very sure about Kenney, similar to Noah, he just hasn't had male caretakers in his life, so Kenney looks and sounds scary to him.  While we were in the civil affairs office he was the last child brought in. He had an adorable plastic sleeve that contained pictures of our family already, so I think he kinda knew or at least recognized us a bit, that seemed to really help.  He didn't smile, or look happy, or really have any facial expressions.  When we got in the car to go back to the hotel he fell asleep in my arms. (Yes, China has no car seats) Once he woke up, he seemed to warm up a bit, we had some snacks, and he played with a toy car.  In both a good way, and a sad way though, he will NOT let me put him down, or walk more than a few steps away from him without a full blown out screaming, throwing his body on the ground, banging his head, and flipping out.  To top it all off he has a terrible cold with congestion that sounds horrible.  Last night he woke up with a high fever, and that took a while to come down and get him back to sleep. 

In short, the long plane ride was NOT fun over here.  He is so cuddly.  He giggles and enjoys when I lean into his ear and tell him I love him, and kiss him.  He craves my touch so much.  He responds so well to me, I am so very thankful.  God has from day one (and all of eternity) known this little boy was going to be a part of our family.  I over and over can't believe how faithful he has been to my Caleb.  He orchestrated every single detail to bring this boy into a family, and he will continue to be both sovereign and faithful to our child.

15 more days in China.... I can't wait to see Isabell, I can't wait to bring them home, I am not looking forward to the plane ride with both of them.  Please pray Isabell bonds with Kenney, with one little girl who can't walk, and a little boy who only wants to be held, I for sure will need some prayers!

The food- it really isn't bad.  Real Chinese food is super cheap, different, but tasty.  Eating in our hotel is almost 4 times more expensive than eating from a street restaurant.  We ate locally last night, and have enjoyed ourselves, and Caleb just loves it, he isn't thrilled with American food.  The special for the month however is, cooked full alligator turtle.  It's pretty much a giant turtle cooked... kinda like lobster... I am still contemplating if I should be adventurous!

God is good, and greatly to be praised!  Hopefully my  baby will let mommy have some free time, as I'd love to journal a bit more, but for now....

Things like THIS never happen...??

Wednesday night, way past my bed time, and I just can't fall asleep.  I was born a night owl, and it seems even 3 kids can't change that!  I decide that it would be a good idea to check the weather in both the cities our kiddos in China are at.  I might want to start thinking about packing, so to pack, I need to know the weather.

Finding that out leads me to wonder if I can find out about the "local" scene, you know the secret places everyone should visit, that no one knows about.  I decided to do random internet searches.  I'm just weird like that, typing in random words to see what pops up and what information I can find out about where my babies are from.

Somewhere among the zillion searches I did, I found a link to a yahoo group that is composed of people who have adopted, are adopting, associated with, etc the same city/province as Caleb is from.  Well of course I join the group.  Maybe to find some random pictures someone took and my baby is in the background, or maybe just to learn more about where Caleb is from.

I told them my name and Caleb's Chinese name, and said hello!

Hours later, I received an email from the DIRECTOR of Swallows Nest in Zhengzhou, with the question...

Is this your son?

 

That is my boy!  I emailed her back saying YES, YES, he is ours!!  She gave me her phone number and said she is actually in the States, so call to talk to her.  I have the phone number of the woman who is in charge of the care of my son, and she is American, and she speaks English.... at this point, I am so overwhelmed I am about ready to throw up! (either that or Kenney made pigs in a blanket for dinner, not quite sure which)


So we talked, and she told me about him, all about his hearing, who cares for him, his personality, etc.  Then she gave me the email of a lady doing an internship there, that cares for 6 of the kids, one of them being Caleb. Again, all within minutes, we are facebook friends and I am able to look through her photo albums, and see tons of beautiful pictures of my boy!  Then I find out she is a Christian, a real, Bible believing, John Piper-ish kind of Christian.  I see pictures of my boy being read the BIBLE!


She tells me to send all kinds of pictures of our family, she'll share them with Caleb, and get him ready for us to pick him up! She'll use lots of English too!  She said we can email her all the questions we have, and she'll do anything to answer us.  She even said that she has a very VERY special place in her heart for Caleb...


OVERWHELMED!


I can not tell you how crazy this is, every adoptive family wishes for a glimpse into their child's life that they can not be a part of, and here, I have a wide open picture window!


The best part is, I didn't pray for additional information, I didn't ask God for more information than we already had.  I have a couple of pictures and some medical information and that is it.  We were happy with that.  We were happy we had a 15 second video clip of Caleb.  It didn't bother us that we were never given updated information.  It didn't bother us that his medical information seemed so incomplete.  I can honestly say we really were at peace with our decision, and ready to face all the unknowns.  We kinda felt like Abraham.  In Hebrews it says , Abraham, by faith was called, and went out, not knowing where he was going.  So with our little boy, we didn't know where we were going, just that we were going!!!


God, in his perfect timing, infinite wisdom, His glorious self, choose to make known the unknowns for us.  Praise God!  

The difference between knowing and seeing- I've read verses in the Bible over and over, and I've quoted them, over and over, and used them over and over, but to have them be real.  To take root in my heart, so much so that they effect my life.... sadly it doesn't happen enough, but tonight, the verse, it became so real

Ephesians 3:20
Now to Him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to His power that is at work within us

and half a world away, a little boy sees his forever mommy and daddy for the first time