Embracing Reality

Penny and I danced for 2 1/2 hours straight- not the romantic side to side swaying of eighth graders, not the arms apart kind of slow dancing, not a slow waltz,  not even your typical wedding dancing- but an all out turn the red lights on it's after midnight Saturday in the club kind of dancing. We bounced up and down and spun circles for so long my calves burned and my arms were on fire.

Beyoncé has nothing on Audrey and Isabel's hair flips. The boys all have moves that totally makes me question what goes on in this house especially knowing their home-schooled and we don't have television! I even watched Charlotte move her arms and fingers in a way that made me question her Cerebral palsy diagnosis.

I looked down at the six week old baby with big bright blue eyes staring intently at me..... And while Pharell with his sick beats jammed in the background,  for a moment everything was perfect.

I now interrupt this blog post six weeks late to share the readers digest version of child number seven.

Penelope Ellen Kolanowski was born at home May 7 at 5:15 AM. She decided to grace us with her presence three weeks early and was a little peanut weighing just over 6 pounds.

The day before she was born a wonderful friend of mine stopped by and helped me put a third coat of Tungoil on our newly installed hardwood floors in the living room. She listened to me pour my heart out about how scared I was to have another baby. I had been feeling pretty crappy and told her to keep praying that this little girl waited until her due date of May 25th because we had so very much to try and get done before then. I chatted on and on about how excited I was to go to my favorite garden center tomorrow and get my flowers and veggies. She even brought me a gift knowing how very much I cherished my garden.

All was normal for the evening, but somewhere around midnight that night my water broke. For a good hour I was in denial that this couldn't possibly be happening three weeks early. I remembered how intense my other two births were so I decided to get in a nice warm bath tub and drink a special glass of wine. And there in the middle of the night I cried intensely and poured my heart out to God. And for one hour it was like Jesus sat right there next to me.

I cried because I knew having a baby with these six kids would be impossible. I knew I only had one set of arms but would now have three children that literally daily needed my arms to get dressed to be fed to be bathed to go to the bathroom- and then four more who would need these arms for hugs and wiping cuts and scrapes, for art projects and dinners prepared- six little people already needed me so much and a new little baby was going to need me at all hours all day.  She would need to eat all the time and be held all the time she would cry all the time..... So I told Jesus I couldn't do it.  I told him after my water broke and just moments literally before she was born into this world.  I told him I was an utter failure. And I sobbed uncontrollably. 

After my confession the first thought that popped into my head was how lucky I was to be sipping on such a delicious wine. I thought about what a good God we had that provided just the right soil conditions with just the right amount of water and sunshine with skilled workers and technology that put this wine all the way from Argentina in a bottle and I sit sipping it. A smile slowly cracked my lips. For a moment everything was perfect.

It is now 10:30 at night and the dance party is over. A husband and six children are in bed. The vacuum cleaner is still running and the words of Frankie are quietly playing over the whooshing of the vacuum. 

For six weeks I've held her. I've barely set her down. She's nursed almost every hour sometimes more. Most days I don't get dressed. I am lucky to get my contacts in. Most days someone has had to either help us with dinner or bring us dinner. I have looked up the definition of sleep and I'm convinced that Webster's dictionary lies.

I do not feel pretty. I feel guilty. I feel guilty because I am not giving my other children the attention they need. There's no more 8 o'clock book reading because little Miss Penny from the hours of five till midnight has decided to practice voice training. In the words of a friend she has altitude sickness and does not want to be set down. I've missed therapy for the kids that go for almost the last six weeks. In addition to me having a hard time with this baby, some of the kids are struggling too. Literally I am mommy number five to some of them and Penelope is a threat. They've had to make sacrifices too. I miss the sunshine. I miss being in my garden. I miss the life that I once complained was so hard. Only twice have I been in the car with Penny somewhere. She fusses and cries and is so discontent. 

I received a text today from someone saying they had a friend who was dealing with postpartum depression and asked if I had dealt with that after any of my kids. 

Depression is real. It hurts and it's hard. It makes you want to hide away from the entire world. I have felt lost and lonely. I have felt like I can't possibly go on one more day- even one more hour. I've wished I could close my eyes and when I open them every thing is different. I've asked myself questions like why don't people understand? Why do I feel like I'm the only one? And then after I asked the questions I have dealt with shame and guilt. Guilt over not being a good mommy. Guilt over not being a good wife. Hours after Penny is still crying I have cried feeling like it's my fault. I've cried feeling like my daughter is the only one that's ever dealt with this- I start listing nieces and nephews and friends kids that to my knowledge are perfect and happy and I feel like they all must be throwing it in my face about what a terrible person I am. I feel like everyone hates me because I can't make it to an event or party or Church. I start to feel like everything has strings attached. I feel so beat down that I am on the brink of tears all the time.

Amidst all of these random stories and ramblings there are three things that I'm holding onto.

1. Embracing reality. This is my life right now. There is all kinds of practical wisdom and advice regarding depression - stuff like diet and nutrition,  getting good sleep, exercise, enhancing your gut bacteria, high omega-3's, having help, having a support group, having people to talk to.... The list could go on and on and while all of that is true, important and valid. These things are things I have done and do and I find myself still struggling.

Embracing reality- well.

I need to learn how to handle these hard times sadness and depression and I need to learn to be in this place and to do so well. Which personally I have felt in this culture is counter intuitive. Somehow I have believed the lie that there is no such thing as being sad in a biblical way or being depressed in a biblical way or being in turmoil in a biblical way. Somehow I have believed that the American way and the biblical way is to put a smile on and act happy all the time. And that couldn't be further from the truth. The Psalms in particular are full of emotions and one emotion in particular being depression. Entire books have been written on just Psalm 42 and depression. John Piper has an absolutely wonderful sermon on the subject that I love and have watched and read over and over again. (see below)

Spiritual Depression in the Psalms 

I could share all the ways this has practically helped me, however the point for me to remember is that there is a way to embrace sadness and do so well. That there is a way to embrace pain and to do so well. That there is a way to embrace reality- well.

2. Remembering the little moments.  The dance party and the good wine, those memories I like to reflect on often, and by reflecting on those little snipets of time, that are near perfect, I find I train myself to get in the habit of looking for those little snipets more often. Those two memories are so full of happiness and goodness that they help drown out the struggles. They make the struggles worth it.  Those little moments are really big moments because of how big of a deal they have become to me.

3.  My Identity.  This is the big one.  This is the one for me that I could do all the right things, all the right nutrition, all the right friends, make sure I embrace reality well, and remember the little moments... but... it's the big... but... If I am not secure in where my identity is then nothing else matters.  And, there is only one place that my identity is secure, and that place is in Jesus.

Example:  I find myself getting stressed out to go to the boys baseball game with Penny.  I start thinking of the crying in the car, and how to handle Isabell and Charlotte and Penny.  I find anxiety creeping in with figuring out breastfeeding her.  And then it happens.  I start to think about the things well meaning people will ask me... "Is she sleeping through the night?"  "Can't you put her down yet?"  I start worrying about the looks people might give me as I nurse her in the bleachers.  I start worrying about what people might say about the bags under my eyes, or my lack of makeup and a hairstyle..... 

Why?

Why do these thoughts creep into my mind?  Because I am letting "who I am" be found in things like how nice I look or how happy my baby is... instead of the finished work of Jesus... instead of His perfect life... somehow I get things all mixed up and start thinking it's my life that defines me.  

Galations 2:20 It is no longer I who live but Christ who lives in me...

My life and what I do or don't do does not define me.  My identity is in Christ's life, who now lives in me.

It's sorta become my mantra right now.  My identity is in Christ.  I am getting ready to get out of the car and go the boys game, I take a deep breath and repeat to myself- my identity is in Christ.  Someone stops over, and I'm a mess, still in my pajamas, bed head, and no makeup, I stop take a deep breath and repeat to myself- my identity is in Christ.  I walk out and look at the pathetic excuse of a garden I have this year, I take a deep breath and repeat to myself- my identity is in Christ.

Things are hard right now. 

I am learning to embrace it-well. (More on that subject later.)

I am remembering and finding the little moments that are near perfect.

My identity is in Christ. So much so that I share a picture of me. No makeup, bags and circles under my eyes, a baby screaming in my ear, a messy canning project in the background, hair not fixed, pjs still on, but its okay.

My identity is in Christ.

30 days.

30 days.

That's how long we've shared our time together with our newest little girl.

I'm thinking about the 30 days prior to these last 30 days and the 30 days prior to those last 30 days...I'm thinking about how strange it is that sets upon sets of 30 days can go by, and our lives remain the same.  Then suddenly 30 days can go by and our lives are forever drastically changed.  Even more thought provoking is the fact that as prepared or planned out my weeks and days and months even years may be- I never know the impact 30 days will have on me. 

The thoughts are scattered, the life lessons still aren't totally clear, and some of the reality isn't quite as real as maybe it will be.  Nonetheless there are some things we are chewing on.  Good things, bad things, sin things, flesh things, practical things, God things.

We destroy arguments and every lofty opinion raised against the knowledge of God, and take every thought captive to obey Christ-  2 Corinthians 10:5

This little girl has brought to the surface a problem both Kenney and I have.  We are NOT taking our thoughts captive and forcing them to be obedient to Christ.  We've just let our thoughts be our thoughts.  They come in and maybe we don't act upon them, but, we've given them a home and a place to stay, and even three good meals a day- all regardless of their allegiance.  Thoughts. They seem so innocent, so harmless, we say things like "we're human" "we're sinners" "this is all normal and a part of living in a fallen world" but, do we EVER say things like "hey, somebody lock those thoughts up and don't let them out until they have conformed to what Christ would have me think."

Captive.  What a simple word with such a simple meaning.  To confine or imprison.

What happens when we don't take our thoughts captive?  What happens when our thoughts have free reign?

It was two am in the morning and three in the afternoon in China.  Thoughts are running wild and spilling out of our mouths through the miracle of wireless phone calls. What if she never talks?  What if she never walks?  She is the only little girl that is handicapped out of the 80 other people doing medicals- why do all these other people have it "easier"?  What if we never have alone time again?  I can't do this.  We can't do this.  What have we done.  What about our other kids?  We'll never vacation again.  We can't afford two power chairs and adaptive aids and therapy tools.  What if all of our time is spent with Speech Therapy, and OT and PT and doctor appointments?  Our lives are already so busy and so full, we can't possibly make it any more full and stay afloat.  What about us?  What about our marriage?  What if it's never just "us" again?  What if we are cutting food and wiping mouths and changing diapers until we die?  We had dreams ya know- dreams full of just Kenney and I, just him and I and coffee shops and quaint restaurants, beaches and Zombie Dust (that would be our island beer) dreams of quiet mornings, spontaneous living, and weekend getaways.  What if this is what our lives are like forever...

I'd like to say this was just one conversation.  I'd like to say we talked about it and worked it out.  We didn't.  We've spent HOURS upon HOURS of conversations like this in the last 30 days.

So we tried to fix it all.... tried to make it all get better and go away.  We knew things were broken, and so we tried to fix it. 

1. The Comparison Game
This one is a favorite of ours.  It's seems to be the go to remedy in our fix-it tool box.  And just like basic screwdrivers, there are two go-to favorites -the Phillips head and the flat head.  The Phillips head approach- compare our lives with people who have it seemingly better than us.  So we looked around at the people we knew that didn't have any kids with disabilities.  We looked around at the people that have booming college funds and big houses and separate rooms for their kids.  We looked around at the people going on family vacations - rock climbing, white water rafting, swimming, and hiking.  And we sank even further.  We found our lives to be ugly and not fun.  Suddenly everything was bad.  The house- bad.  The cars- bad.  Our kids-all bad.  Heck- we even looked at our wedding pictures and decided those weren't very good either, especially since someone else had better ones than us.  The pity party comparison /Phillips head screwdriver approach failed us miserably.  Because all it did was make us even more miserable.  Clearly the problem must have been who and what we compared our lives to- so we moved on to the flat head screwdriver approach.  Compare our lives with others who have it worse than us.  So we compared ourselves to the parents who have lost their children in this world.  The pain didn't go away.  Suddenly we were overwhelmed with guilt and how insensitive we must be.  We thought thoughts like "We should be thankful our children are here with us right now."  "We should be thankful that we are not in and out of hospitals, thankful our children can eat and chew and swallow and smile and communicate with us, thankful they are happy, thankful they are not in pain...."  Funny thing is, we were thankful for all those things, but it still felt like our arm was on fire, and while we were thankful our house wasn't on fire, mostly, we were still a bit concerned about the arm that IS on fire.  Problem is, pain is pain, and hurt is hurt, and sin is sin, and being thankful doesn't make sin go away.  ONLY God takes away sin. 

2.  The Convincible Ally
Find someone, in particular someone who doesn't exactly know you well.  Someone who might not want to offend you.  Someone who probably really doesn't care, but key is, you have to be able to act like they know you well and care tons.  A co-worker, or friend in your yoga class, maybe the cleaning lady, or hair-dresser.  So we tell them our story (clearly leaving out any details that might make us seem like the bad guys.)  We use words that make us sound like the hero of the story "We're really thankful she can get the therapy here she needs, but isn't it so sad that she can't walk?" Guess what the natural response is?  Someone gushing over us, telling us how awesome of parents we must be, telling us we deserve so much more, the praise pours over us and we bask in the accomplishment.  Not only did we get someone to side with us and totally agree with our point of view, we became saints in the process.  Then we went home.  Then we talked with each other again.  Kenney doesn't think I'm a saint, as a matter of fact, he has first hand knowledge that I am not.  And, while Kenney was calling me out, he probably used an expletive of some sort... no saint there either.  Spouses have a way of bringing the truth to the surface.  Spouses destroy the self-praise bandwagon. 

3.  Just Go With It
Our last ditch effort- just let the feelings guide us.  Fear and worry- just go with it.  Who cares if we go to bed scared and crying.  Who cares if we wake up cursing the day.  What does it matter if we're happy and friendly.    Praise God for the Holy Spirit!  Praise God for Grace!  One of Tommy's first Sunday School lessons resonated through our heads- Why were we created?  To bring God glory.  These feelings were not bringing God glory.

Lastly (which should have been the first- again- Praise God for his infinite Grace)
We prayed together.  Laying in bed, our eyes were closed and Kenney prayed.  I don't even know the words he used.  I don't remember anything, other than surrender.  Giving it all to God.  No more fixing it.  No more comparison games or going with it, or pity parties- everything was surrendered.  Every thought, every feeling, every worry, all put at the foot of the cross.  Together we surrendered.

and take every thought captive to obey Christ-  2 Corinthians 10:5 

We're moving on.  We're taking those thoughts captive, and surrendering them, handing them over to Christ.  After all, we are powerless to make our thoughts obey Christ, it is only CHRIST himself that can change us, and change our thoughts.  We're changing, we're growing and we're learning new things together. In 30 days, our little Charlotte has changed our lives forever.  Our prayer is that she changes our lives, our marriage, and our parenting to reflect more and more of Christ, and less and less of ourselves.  We pray she brings Him glory.  We pray she helps us, together, through our parenting and our marriage- bring Him glory. 

Practically speaking, this article was AWESOME!  Really gave Kenney and I a much needed perspective.  To summarize:  Don't believe everything you think; The heart is deceitful above all things and beyond cure. Who can understand it? (Jeremiah 17:9) Fill your minds with the right things; I will not set before my eyes anything that is worthless. (Psalm 101:3) Don't stop learning; Wise men store up knowledge . . . (Proverbs 10:14), Those who get wisdom do themselves a favor, and those who love learning will succeed. (Proverbs 19:8), “My people are destroyed from lack of knowledge.” (Hosea 4:6) Feed yourself on God's word.

Hindsight is 20/20.  I can look back on the last couple of weeks and see some of the areas we failed prior to our meltdowns.  We believed our thoughts.  We filled our minds with worthless and useless things, instead of God's word.  We didn't store up the truths we'd already learned.  I could go on and on.... I'll say it again, PRAISE GOD FOR HIS GRACE! 

 

The Day After Christmas

For all of the December the 26th's I can remember, I in some way, have found myself crying. Some years a full out weeping with sobs a snotty nose and smeared mascara, and some years, just a small tear drop that slid down my cheek.

Sometimes, I cried because Christmas was over. Decorations were to come down.  Christmas break was almost over and school would be starting soon. No more Christmas cookies, no more Christmas music, no more holiday parties. Sometimes I cried because of my own sin- ways I "messed up" Christmas. Lies I told, people I hurt, places I shouldn't be, sin I knew I shouldn't be involved in. Sometimes I cried because of broken relationships, loneliness, and an unexplainable sadness that just seemed to take over my heart.

I always knew that Christmas was not about a day, and not about presents, or decorations, or any of the magical things Christmas was promoted to be. I had sat through dozens of Christmas day church services, went to midnight masses, Christmas Eve vigils, lit advent candles, and read Christmas devotions. I knew that Jesus came to save the world from our sins. I knew that He died for me. I knew all of the real reasons for Christmas. I knew about the virgin Mary, the realness and messiness of an infant Jesus coming into this world. I knew about the prophecies Jesus fulfilled. I knew Jesus came to this earth for me, and the rest of the world full of sinners. I knew all of those things. And yet, I cried.


Tonight is December the 26th and I sit on my couch pondering. The fire is smoldering on a bed of ashes that is 3 days old and needs to be cleaned. The lights are twinkling and casting an almost magical glow from our Christmas tree. I can see Tommy's socks in the middle of the living room floor, and I chuckle, because I know he pulled them off before he went to bed-he hates wearing socks to bed. The kitchen is halfway clean. The dishwasher is loaded to as full as it can be and the rest of the dishes sit waiting for their turn in the dishwasher tomorrow. Toys and tags and paper are still strewn about in bits and pieces from yesterdays festivities. Everyone is asleep. I can hear Isabell tossing and turning. I can hear Noah breathing too loud. The dogs are dreaming, because I can hear their nails clicking on the floor as they must be imagining they are running. I feel more tired than I have ever been, and yet I sit here awake. 

So many things to think about. So many things I want to remember, I want to share, I want to write down. Yet, I've not done that for two months. 

My heart is so full. Full of sadness- I wanted to write down, to do something in the month of November to celebrate and promote adoption, after all November is national adoption month and I have three children whom we adopted, and I did nothing.  Full of joy- I wanted to write about friendship. In my entire life I have struggled with friendships and slowly, very, very slowly, I have found and learned so much about what I was missing and where I was wrong. I wanted to remember the friends that have helped us. The dozens of ladies that made meals when we came home from China, that will never understand how much they blessed us. How pivotal their generosity to a person most of them barely knew, taught me so much about the character of Jesus. The friends that sat outside on our back porch and chatted on hot summer nights, listening to crickets chirping under a blanket of northwest Indiana stars. The talks we had about Jesus and silly YouTube videos will forever be a noteworthy memory of mine, the comfort and ease and importance of our conversations taught me more about fellowship than I have ever known. Full of pain- the brokenness of my children. The difficulty and struggles as a mamma I have with parenting... parenting little ones, parenting kids from hard places, parenting handicapped kids, parenting when nothing makes sense, and everything hurts. Full of change- a new niece, new schedules, new projects, new paperwork, new friends.  Full of confusion- going where God leads us, continuing to grow, being challenged in our marriage, in our home, in our family, in our finances, in almost every. single. decision. this year we have been challenged to think deeper, seek God's kingdom first, and that has made things harder, harder, because no longer can we be okay with living in our flesh, no longer can we make decisions solely based on what is "best for us", and that brings about changes, daily changes that require us to every single day die to ourselves and allow Him to increase and force us to decrease. 

We are in the middle. In the middle of joy and pain. So many days I cry to my mother about the children I can't parent, only to find myself hours later building a couch fort and snuggling with the kiddos with a flashlight a good book smiling because they are all so precious and life is so good.

Maybe I am fickle. Maybe I am complicated and random. Maybe a bit unstable. Maybe a bit too mouthy.

But tonight is December the 26th and in the 32 years of December the 26th's I can remember, this is the first time I am not crying. In fact I have found myself with a slight smile on my face. Growth and change is not easy. It's hard and messy. It's painful and full of scabs that get reopened and scars that don't want to go away. But to know Jesus.... but to know Jesus.

I can't say that I didn't know Him, but I can say, I didn't know Him, like I do today. All the times I ran from Him, He loved me, and still died for me. All the times I knowingly chose sin, chose to hurt my loved ones, chose to live for myself, chose to steal, to lie, to sin against His commandments, all those times, He loved me.  His mercy for me is unfathomable. All the times He should have abandoned me, He didn't. All the times I thought He did, He was only growing me, disciplining me, challenging me, using what Satan had planned for death, He used for His glory through me. Each day the innumerable times I know better, and yet I parent out of anger, I parent out of frustration, I parent out of selfishness, He is still there- giving me new mercies every morning, and extending me His grace. Every stupid argument with my family, my husband, my sisters, my parents, my in-laws. He is still there, loving me, loving me, His love never changing. No matter my sin, His love doesn't change. On the days I yelled at my kids more than ever, why did I somehow think He loved me any less than the days I didn't yell? Why did I ever think His arms were not open? 

His love has always been there, always been first, and it's His love that changes me. It's his love that grows me. Knowing my savior loves me like this, is what makes me love. It's what brings joy to my broken heart. His love is what grows me. His love is what makes me want to "sin no more." 

It's this unconditional, unfathomable, indescribable love, that He freely gives me, that on this December the 26th in all of the 32 years of December the 26th's keeps me smiling, and brings joy and peace to my heart.

  To keep this joy in my heart forever.  I write it down to remember. 

Twilight

I wake up.

I am tired, and no amount of coffee helps.

I've been up, adjusting braces, comforting, trying to help an uncomfortable child.  I've been up, getting juice for another one, praying, staring at the ceiling, staring at the mess around me.

I need to schedule an appointment with the dentist.  But I have appointments with an ENT, a hand specialist, Physical Therapy, Occupational Therapy, the Orthopaedic Specialist, Speech Therapy.... who will watch the kids?  How will Kenney get home in time for all of that?  How can I possibly fit in the dentist?  But, Motrin isn't helping anymore.

And the worry starts to set in. 

I am hungry, but the kitchen hangs in a delicate balance of mess, one more thing out of place, one more thing not cleaned, just might cause pure disaster.  So, I opt for coffee- again.

With worry already in my heart, the thoughts start to spin.

I need to seed the areas in the yard that we had work done
The garden needs picking
I have paperwork to do
Bills to pay
The dust is so thick Tommy really did write his name on it
Bathrooms, disgusting
laundry
I need curriculum for Tommy
things to occupy the others while I work with Tommy
Projects not yet complete in my room
the basement
a shower
kids need baths
the dog needs a bath
what about a date with my husband
what about time to relax
time for friends

Someone stop me.... and I find my devotional and Bible and sit down to read.

The first words of the devotional

"Trust ME in the midst of a messy day."

The tears start to fall.

" Your Peace in MY presence need not be shaken by what is going on around you. Though you live in this temporal world, your innermost being is rooted and grounded in eternity."

"O LORD, you have searched me and you know me.  You know when I sit and when I rise; you perceive my thoughts from afar.  You discern my going out and my lying down; you are familiar with all my ways.  Before a word is on my tongue you know it completely, O LORD. - Psalm 139:1-4"

The words of a song fill my heart, and I find myself sobbing.

The words:

Like the sky before the dawn

While the night is holding on

Sun and moon together in the gray

So my soul is shared by two

The worst of me and the best of you

Savior and sinner mingled in my veins

And I pray you’ll end this twilight


I’m torn inside my soul tonight

The dawning day and the dying night

 Oh rid my soul of twilight

Good I love, but evil’s done

Good intentions come undone

Good to know I know the one who saves me from myself

Oh Lord paint my heart a solid hue

The shade of you

Oh lord break this dreadful in between inside of me

Oh let it be morning

I know the sun is coming up, oh the sun is coming up, yes the sun is coming up

The kids are stirring, the dogs need to go out, the day needs to get started, and I have become the righteousness of God.

"God made him who had no sin to be sin for us, so that in him we might become the righteousness of God. 2 Corinthians 5:21"

Jesus is mine. My list, my tiredness, my coffee addiction, sometimes- it just doesn't matter.  My sin is gone, and I will stand righteous before my Savior.

The sun IS coming up. 

A Full Serving of Summer and a Side of a Happy Heart

It's August, the last month of summer - (cause no one considers September part of summer.) I've looked over my last couple of posts and got to thinking, that if in 20 years I looked back over this time in my life I would think to myself that things were a bit crazy and hard and rough and just plain yucky.  Which is of course all very true some days, and sometimes, but- not all days and all times!  So, this is for myself and family and future grown up kids and future grand kids and future anyone, to remind me this summer has been good to us!

So warning, if you aren't me, and are reading this you WILL be bored. 

Don't say I didn't warn you. So, grab yourself a cup of coffee!




We swam.  Which reminds me of how far we've come.  My Noah H.A.T.E.D water when he came home to us.  No pools, bathtubs, sinks, puddles, you name it, he nearly had a grand mal seizure when even brought close to water, and now... the kid is a fish! Huge blessing Nana and Papa live around the corner, and have a pool... that is the best kind of pool!

We planted the most beautiful garden ever!  We had help with weed pulling (thanks to our friends the Taylor's) and it has been awesome!  Potatoes, TONS of tomatoes, cucumbers, every possible pepper, green beans, purple beans, wax beans, all kinds of carrots, every possible herb, eggplant, asparagus, rhubarb, onions, zucchini, snow peas, kale, and new for this year - cut flowers!  The garden has never looked so wonderful!  I went into this year knowing I'd not have time to keep up with the weeds, but having friends help take care of it, well, what an answer to prayers!

We had family friends come in from Florida and were able to sneak away to the beach!  Thank God for parents who live around the corner and can watch the kids so we get to sneak out for just a bit!

What a good week we had!  We didn't clean a thing, or do laundry, or even do the dishes (amen for paper plates!)  We stayed up way past our bed times like we were 20 again (hey wait, they are!!) after the kids went to bed we chatted about all kinds of fun things, kids, adoption, Jesus, kids, the garden, Indiana, jobs, Christianity, adoption, parenting, marriage, cigars, craft beers, creation, cooking, vacations, you name it!  What a blessing and breath of fresh air it was to have people who share so many of the same loves we do.

We made it to the zoo with everyone!

Thanks Grandma and Grandpa for the zoo membership.  It would for sure NOT be affordable to take the family.


Last minute we had an awesome friend of ours have an opening for pictures and on the busiest week in the history of our lives (so far) we ran out, mismatched and crazy looking to have our first official family pictures

Thanks Jenn, for the bestest, most wonderful, most true to life pictures we could ever have had taken by anyone!

Then there was our super fun trip to US Cellular Field (aka Comisky Park) in which we had the complete private tour, and the kids played in the bullpens and dugouts and pretended to be announcers and all that fun stuff!

Thanks Taylor family, for including us in your fun times!  Also, had to say thanks to Blue Cross (hence the picture) for a great job for my hubby.

I finally was able to complete the redo of our most messy hodge-podge room in the house. OURS!  Since we moved in, it has been the overflow room, and since its the room with the mostest love in it, I felt it should at least look like it!

Before:

After:

Thanks mom for helping paint. Thanks Rachel for taking a trip down the street on the gator, through the woods, to an old abandoned barn, to sneeze like crazy and get eaten alive by mosquitos, all so I could get some free barnwood for my headboard project.  Thanks Brent and Kenney for loading the beast of a dresser (got off of Craig's List from an old hotel for 20 bucks) into our house, then because I decided I no longer liked it, into our barn, then because I am a woman and quite fickle, back into our house because I found a purpose for it, and helping me paint it, and then of course back into our bedroom.

Then there are the days we spent outside, when it was 100 degrees, and this mommy just didn't feel like lugging the five kiddos down the street (literally) to cool off in Nana and Papa's pool (because supervising the 5 of them in a real pool is just a bit too much effort on some days) so we filled a good ole-fashioned plastic pool with water and splashed in our underwear (because again, this mama found it to be too much effort to go down the street (literally) and get the swimsuits we had left at Nana and Papa's pool.)  Don't forget, this IS Indiana.

Then there was the fun party we had.  A bunch of families all together talking and sharing all about the good the bad and the ugly in the adoption world.  We had snowcones and a jump house and a pinata and I think over 30 kids together from all over the world!  Too bad we didn't take a group picture with everyone in it!

All the families that made that day possible.  The set up, the clean up, the food, the fun, the families that let us borrow coolers and tents and tables and chairs - it was a GOOD day to say the least.

Did I mention the garden? Oh I just love the garden.  Did you know, life began in a garden?  I think every single time I am in the garden about how that is exactly where God put Adam, in a garden

Genesis 2:15
The LORD God took the man and put him in the Garden of Eden to work it and take care of it.

Of course a garden without weeds, and thorns, and bugs that destroy and disease and fungus... but hey... one day there will be a new earth, so until then, I am enjoying my garden.  I love it!



And this guy.... love him too!

So I like the picture, perfect hair, and the butterfly band-aids do make him look tougher. I had to marry him for some reason. Besides, the fact he is "trying" to look tough, makes it all the better.



and all the things that a garden produces, like salsa, LOTS of salsa, pizza sauce, barbecue sauce, jams, jellies, more sauces, relishes, pickles, beets I love that too.

my beautiful basement ready for WWIII, just in case, has been made possible by my Nanny, aunts, sisters,  parents and parents - in- laws  who have shared their tips, their jars, and their time to teach me and and help me do all my crazy canning projects.


Invitations.  If ever one day, when my children are grown and Kenney is retired and we are sitting staring at each other with nothing to do (HA HA HA HA HA, keep laughing it really is funny) We can make invitations.

Of course, we might be up till 2 am on a couple of occasions, and might have to hope my sisters (oh my poor sisters, who get drug on many an adventure that I decide they need to be on) are around to come help me, well, anyway, it just might be a sustainable business idea. Nonetheless, they turned out beautiful and it was quality time spent making them.

A quality Saturday at The Ark. 

My parents and 5 siblings all working together to celebrate my parents business of 33 years!  So much fun, and so many memories.

Two day vacations.  We left at our usual 4am time. When 5 of your children are under the age of 5, leaving while they are still sleeping, so as to allow them to continue sleeping has proven to currently be one of the wisest decisions we have ever made. Then of course we had breakfast at the Cracker Barrel (which in Kenney's eyes is one of the wisest decisions he's ever made) Hit the Creation Museum in Kentucky for the day, and then spent the night in a hotel.  We swam and watched movies and made dinner in our suite.  The kids had a blast and have been begging to go back ever since.

Then we left Sunday morning to pick peaches and blackberries and sample wine and ice cream at a great Orchard

Of course being the oh so responsible parents we are (can't you tell that by the underwear picture??) we left in hopes of making it home before bedtime, only to be stopped 30 minutes from home in a complete expressway shutdown.  The kids got to walk around on I-65 for TWO HOURS since there isn't much else to do on an expressway that isn't moving in the middle of cornfields.

But quite possibly the best part of the trip...

Which again, is such a testament to how far we've come.  Tommy until the age of two hated car rides, never slept, never content, always cried, then by about the time he decided he liked car rides, Audrey was born, and pretty much followed in the footsteps of her brother.  But now, five beautiful children, asleep in a car, quite, while we drive.  It is a parent's dream come true... if only for one hour, it was one blissfully, peaceful, glorious hour!

A summer filled with these kids:

While each day is full of smiles and tears, arguments and hugs, laughing and yelling, happiness and frustration... each day is full... full of good things!

I need to be reminded of how special and precious our children are to Kenney and I.

A gift from God.... I think about that often. I many times look at my wedding ring and think of how much I cherish it and how special it is to me, because Kenney gave it to me, because of what it represents. I imagine Christmas day, or my birthday and I imagine opening a gift from my Saviour Himself.  How special that present would be to me, how important, how valuable, how much I would keep it safe and treasure it, I'd protect it.

May I look back and remember these children are a gift from Christ himself. May they always be a priority in my life.  More important than my house, my car, a job, cooking and cleaning, friends, hobbies and mostly myself.  May I make sacrifices for them.. because HE sacrificed himself for me.  May I love them unconditionally because HE loved me first, even in my sin.   May I be reminded to treasure them...

Psalm 127: 3-5
Children are a gift from the Lord;
they are a reward from him.
Children born to a young man
are like arrows in a warrior’s hands.
How joyful is the man whose quiver is full of them!
He will not be put to shame when he confronts his accusers at the city gates.