What I Need this Christmas.

What do you want for Christmas...?

The question flies around this time of the year and I've spent so much time thinking about what I want and what I need this year.

I see suffering around me. I feel daily the failure I am as the mommy GOD wants me to be. I worry about my kids. I worry about my marriage. I wonder sometimes how I will wake up in the morning and get my kids ready, let alone myself. I feel lost. I feel confused. I feel like my flesh wages such a warfare with my spirit. I want things I don't need. I am scared to death about the capabilities I will have as a mommy to Isabell and Caleb. Will I be what they need?  Will I be able to help their hearts heal?  Will we all learn sign-language enough to communicate to Caleb he is loved?  What if Isabell never walks?  What if we never recover financially?  I worry about our house. Will it be big enough?  Is it too big? I fight feelings of jealously over others homes and stuff and kids and marriages. I don't have the answers to the questions I am asked and feel the failure, the pressure. I don't say the things I need to say. I spend time with the lost, and don't share the gospel. I question my own heart.  I question my motives. I fail. Over and over again I fail. I sin.
What do I need for Christmas?

I need God HERE. With me. Helping me. Caring for me. Loving me. I need unconditional love. I need someone to look past my failures. I need God HERE.
Emmanuel, God with us.

Oh, those words they have medicated my soul. Emmanuel, my God has come to be with us.

Jesus was born a man. He was born in a stable. He was born in filthy conditions. Things like blood, sweat, feces, a placenta, an umbilical cord, pain, tears, they were present when Jesus was born. He was born just like you and I. Born to be a man WITH us. Rarely have I ever realized the humanness of His birth. Those words they just aren't "churchy." They just didn't fit in the manger scene I had. For me, Jesus' birth was almost un-touchable. Un-approachable. Something so Holy, I could not be a part of. Holy indeed, but human. Jesus came here, to live among our mess, our dysfunction, our sin, our failures. He came here.  Even more awe-invoking is the fact that He did this for us. He did this to save us from our rebellion to HIMSELF. While I was a sinner, cursing Him, not trusting Him, failing Him, denying Him, He came to live here with us in this mess, to be Emmanuel, God with us.

He came for the potty-mouth talking kids. He came for the greedy, for the jealous, for the moms who let their children down, for the lonely, for the liars, for the thieves, for those who deny Him, for those that work too much, for the sick, for the widow, for the orphan, for all of us, for me.

Emmanuel, God with us. He is NOT untouchable. He is not far away. He is here, with us.

This Christmas I need God with me. I need Emmanuel. Praise God He came. He is with us. It is my hearts desire this Christmas to share Emmanuel with my children. To show them Jesus is real, with us, approachable.  We can bring our real, filthy, weary, dirty selves to Him.

The real words out of Jesus' mouth:"Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest."
Matthew 11:28

What I learned from Noah

Hebrews 13:5  Never will I leave you, Never will I forsake you.

To my Noah,

You and me, we are a lot a like. We butt heads though. The love I have for you is a tough love, a love that isn't always evident or obvious. Sometimes, I don't do a very good job of showing you my love. Sometimes I fail you as a mommy.  But I want you to know that I love you because Jesus loves me, and loves you. He loved us first. His love for us was not because we loved Him. And so Noah, my love for you is not because of something you do, or because of your love for me.  I love you first, with, or without your love back. I love you.

We are sitting in your room today and I am asking you why you won't eat your now third meal of the day. It's so frustrating. We even had your favorite, dare I say it... chicken nuggets... for dinner, and yet you still refuse to eat. I know you are hungry. I know you are mad about something. I know you need to tell me, to use your words and share with me why it is you are angry. But you won't. You scowl, and throw a fit and have a meltdown, for now the third meal of the day.

Thoughts now run through my mind.  We've given you new clothes to wear. We've given you toys all of your own. You've gotten treats and meals and had a full tummy every day in our home. We tell you we love you, we tuck you in and hug and kiss you every night. We tell you every single day we will never leave you. We tell you and show you that you can trust us. We've met your needs. I expected you would soak up my love like a thirsty sponge.  And yet, you break your toys and could care less about them. You refuse to eat, you sometimes try hiding food in your mouth or not chewing or over stuffing your mouth and choking. You have been insatiably selfish, you always want more, nothing is ever enough for you. At night when you are scared and I hold you and tell you there is nothing to be afraid of, you still are afraid. You stiffen up like a board and do not find comfort in my arms.

Almost three years we've spent together and I find myself angry. I want so desperately for you to find comfort in your mommy. I want you to be happy and trust me. Trust me. And there I am sitting staring at you in your room. I have no idea how to proceed. I am fighting feelings of anger, and frustration. I find myself desperately praying for help. 

But our God, He is so merciful and so gracious.  His love for us, for me, is nothing short of amazing. Grace. I prayed for help. God gave me grace.

Grace. What a gift. There is no better a gift than grace. 

All the garbage in my life started circling in my head. 

I am God's adopted child. He has adopted me as His own. Given me a new life, clothed me in His righteousness. He has made me a co-heir with Jesus. I have an inheritance that is un-destroyable. He has blessed me. And yet, even today, I have asked for more. I have been given a warm and cozy home, and I treat it like it's not enough. I ask for more. I complain that I don't have enough, over and over again. I cry out in fear and God is there all-knowing my future, and I turn away. I do not seek Him for my comfort. I try and do it on my own. I rely on others, on myself, I do not hand it over to Him. God longs to be intimate with me, to show me the fullness of His presence, His freedom, His hope. I turn away. He promises He will never leave or forsake me, and I can be overcome with fear.  Without the Holy Spirit, I would continue to live my live as an orphan. I say I am His child, and daily I turn away from His banquet table and eat scraps. 

Noah, there is only one hope for us. Our God is a faultless father.  He knew us before the foundation of the earth. He was there when we breathed our first breath. He knit us together in our mother's wombs. He knows our thoughts, our fears. He knows exactly how to help us. He does not grow tired, or lose His temper. He loves us so much. He lovingly restores, forgives, and sanctifies us, all with a greater patience than we can imagine.

I am so thankful Noah, that I have you. God has given me a gift.  He has allowed you to show me how much I need Him. Without you Noah, I forget that I am just like you. You have humbled me, crushed some of my pride. I need so much refining and without you, I would have been content without change, and now I see how much my heart needs change, needs to be more and more like Christ. Without you, I would have been stuck. I am so happy that God loves me enough to change me and grow me. I am so thankful that you have given me a real and intimate picture of myself. God gives us what we need. I needed you, and am thankful for that.

I love you,
Love Mommy

Excuse the Dust

So I really wish I would have taken some computer classes.  I feel like my kids know more about computers than me.  Which is really sad. I just linked up a site that has some of my items I have been making for my craft shows I have been doing. This is a work in progress, so please excuse the lack of information, the links that probably all don't work, the lack of pictures, the lack of just about everything.  But, if all that doesn't bother you, please check out the site. Just click on the pictures of the owls to your right and it will take you to the site. If there is something you would really like and know I have made, but you don't see it, email me. If there is something you see and you don't see the color you want, email me.  If you are a friend, family member, or co-worker of course I will arrange to get the product to you with out any charge (I couldn't figure out shipping options) In short, just email me!

God has allowed us some upcoming money making opportunities, so hopefully they will help chip away at the about $7900.00 we have left to come up with.  Thank you to everyone who has helped support us in these crazy things we have decided to do.  It really means the world to us!

If my life were a line graph

So, it's been a while since I have been able to put my thoughts into writing... whew! 

I have about 5.2 million thoughts that I feel I need to write about, and about 5.2 second to do it all in.

In economics class you learn about graphs, and trends of graphs. If you failed economics, skip to the next paragraph, it will still make sense! These last couple of weeks have been a graph trend of UP. However, amongst those ups, there have been a bunch of downs.  I think actually more ups and more downs in just these little couple of weeks than in the "Year of Craziness" (that is what Kenney and I call 2009.)  Unfortunately I did not journal much during 2009 so I only have my memory...not the greatest.  So if my life were a line graph, this is what it would look like. Notice the end is better than the beginning.  However, there sure are some big "downs" along the way!

This post is to serve my memory when I forget in the future. 

DOWN:  I had to cancel Audrey's birthday party.  She's two.  Really, it's not a big deal. We still sang to her and went out for pizza with some family and the next day had her special pink star shaped ice cream cake with sprinkles and chocolate chips. (Yes, she picked every single one of those items!) But we didn't get to have the party, which really is again no big deal to the kids. Someone once said, the great thing about having lots of kids (or having lots of kids around) is on any given day you can have a party, and you do not need to invite anyone over!  Many days our house is a "party."  It really was me and Kenney who were bummed. We don't have people over to many times a year, and fall is just our favorite over here. We know our schedules hit super duper crazy soon so, rescheduling just isn't an option.

DOWN: In the beginning of October, Kenney's Honey Grams passed away. Those two weeks were challenging. We had to re-learn all about what death and dying means as Christians.  We had to learn again, what the bible teaches about death, and what the world teaches about death. Then we had to teach those truths in as simple and appropriate as possible to our children.  

UP:  Kenney sang with his cousin Bailey an amazing song "Glorious Day" that just reminded us over and over again why we are here, and what it's all about. It was music to our souls that day. It was the gospel. Oh we needed the gospel!

UP:  A friend that I would list in my top 5 of friends, that I talk to maybe once or twice a year called.  (Only after a couple days of my pity party though) She had stopped by and I sent her with some canned goods. She called the next morning, offering to buy (yep, with real money) almost a dozen jars of salsa. Then she stroked my ego and told me how much she loved it!  What a needed uplift.

UP:  And then, as if the uplift wasn't enough.  She had two great craft ideas that she said she could spend a day and help with. I needed that so much, God is so good!

DOWN:  We arrived home from Honey Grams funeral. Our kids are not the traveling, spend time in cars kinda kids. They don't sleep in car rides, and they like to be home. After two days of running around and being dressed up, and being in cars, they were tired and cranky... okay... little demons... to harsh...obnoxious and noisy. 

UP (THE REALLY BIG UP!!!!) The phone rings a little after we just had gotten home.  Kenney answers, passes the phone to me and says, "it's our agency, we just got both LSC's on our kids"  I got really sick... the butterfly in my stomach kinda sick. I take the phone and the woman repeats the exact thing Kenney just said to me. I asked her if she was sure, then I asked her again, she started talking about something... I interrupted and asked her if she was sure again. You see, we were not by the standard timeline supposed to get these LSC's  (which is China officially saying these babies are the Kolanowski's) until at the absolute earliest middle of December. Here it was October 14th, almost two MONTHS early. These babies are coming home. They are ours. They will have a family. It's official (in China.) I can post picture. I can request updates. I can tell the world!!  THEY ARE OURS!!

DOWN (THE REALLY BIG DOWN!!!!) We had planned on traveling sometime in late February, most likely end of March. That means we had about 5 months to raise/come up with/sell some body parts for the remaining money we need to complete the adoptions. (about 14,000 dollars) In the greater scheme of things we have come up with about 35,000 so far, so the amount left is not that much... but for real... 14 grand... THAT IS A LOT OF MONEY!  OH CRAP, that is is the next thought and words that came out of my mouth. We now have only 2-3 months to come up with the money. We could be traveling as soon as after Christmas, but most likely in January. We are scared. Our faith is being tested. 

UP:  I called a friend who is adopting as well to share the news. I shared I was freaked out!  She reminded me the verse in Thessalonians 5:24  "He who calls you is faithful, and He will do it."

UP:  Some family from Tennessee stopped over on their way home. They stopped to buy some salsa for our adoption funding, and left more money than they took salsa!  (Either that or the salsa is really that good!)

DOWN:  Still freaking out about how to come up with 14 grand!  I might have been sick this day...

UP:  We have the possibility of borrowing 6 grand from a friend, in the event we don't come up with the money and it's go time.

UP:  My mother in law came over and brought with craft supplies to help me come up with some ideas! She also was sent home with some crafts to complete herself! Thank you God, the help is coming through.

UP:  My sister in law offered to help with some crafts!!  She was sent home with projects to complete.

DOWN:  Tomorrow we leave for Phoenix for a 4 day Together For Adoption conference... I have not packed, planned, looked at the flight, hotel or conference arrangements. The kids are staying at Nana and Papa's.  have nothing put together for them. I have no idea what I need to bring. The house is a disaster. Audrey is not sleeping at all tonight. I am out of night time pull ups for Audrey... it's now about 8pm... I have to do about 100 pages worth of paperwork to file our I-800 that has to be overnight-ed in the morning on the way to the airport. I have no idea how to answer at least half of the questions. Will I ever be prepared for anything? 

UP:  We are on our way to the airport, everything is packed (Kenney and I fit all our things for four days in ONE carry on suitcase) We are ready to travel in China! We know the meaning of packing light! The kids are happy, the house got cleaned (I didn't sleep I think at all, but hey... we can sleep when we're dead right?) We are stopping for a coffee, I have the I-800 completed and mailed, and I am excited about this conference.

DOWN:  I woke up in the middle of the night with back pain like I have never ever had. I am 31. I am NOT supposed to have back pain. I couldn't stand up straight. I had to sleep sitting up. I took more motrin I am sure than my liver could handle. 

UP:  The conference was amazing. We learned so much, the speakers were the best of the best. We got to know the Taylor's (the couple we went to the conference with) like we were long lost friends. We worshipped with some of the best musicians and worship leaders, we spent hours learning till our brains really hurt. We went out for dinner and shared all we had learned. It reminded me what heaven will be like. Hour after hour after hour of worshipping our God, amazing, uplifting, fullfilling. The C.S. Lewis quote " I find in myself a desire which no experience in this world can satisfy, the most probable explanation is that I was made for another world."  This weekend reminded me of what that "other world" will be like. It soothed my soul. I have more notes than I took in most of my college classes (maybe that says something about why I didn't finish??)  I have so much to write about and share. I can not wait!

DOWN:  Seriously, my back is killing me!!

UP:  We got home, and I remember how much I missed and love my children!

DOWN:  The initial conversation with family about the conference didn't go so well. It seems I am not very good at communicating my thoughts as I maybe think I am...

DOWN:  Since Audrey was away from Mommy for three nights, we decided no more "mommy milk" would be a good idea after this. (Think what you want, I still nursed her, and loved it, I wouldn't change it EVER) Audrey was NOT HAPPY. She just cried and cried and wanted something I technically could give her, but was telling her no. It wasn't this hard with Tommy, he just decided he didn't want it anymore and that was that. Audrey begs for it, cried for it. It makes me wrestle with my emotions. The more sleep I begin to loose, the more unclear my choices become. I question if this is the right thing? I walked for hours with her trying to comfort her and calm her.  I am sleeping barely at all, and my back is killing me.
  
DOWN:  I am sleep deprived.  I am cranky.  My emotions are getting the better of me.  My back still hurts. I have a headache. I woke up today with heartburn/indigestion. I couldn't drink coffee because it hurt my stomach. Did I mention I was sleep deprived???  I whine a lot. I need to stop whining. Now I feel bad that I whine too much.  Oh dear God, I need some sleep.

UP:  My mom took Audrey for an hour so she could nap there, and not spend an hour begging me for milk.

And that is my life.  There are about another million things I could have inserted, but that is what I remember as of this point.  Many more ups, many more downs.  Each day holds a bunch of tiny ups and downs. 

Possibly this post says something about my mental state, but nonetheless, that is my reality over here!

For HIS Glory

I have had an entire week to think and reflect on dying. 

Since Kenney and I have been married, we have attended three funerals of grandparents.  We are closing in on another soon. 

This time, my Tommy is four and a half years old, and the questions he asks about death and dying, are nothing less than poignant. I remember a speech class once, and I remember being told, that to really know material is to be able to teach the material. Tommy's questions have given me the privilege of a test, to remind me what I know about the reality and biblical truths of death, and how well I am able to teach him.

Rewind a couple of months....Tommy comes home from Sunday school with a study sheet each week. The sheet has a bible verse to memorize, a story they heard, and practical applications for parents and children. We try (note I used the word try) to go over the sheet when we get home from church. I noticed on the bottom of his sheets, there are five basic questions the kids are to memorize and have an answer for. Things like, "who created you?", and "what else did God create?" but, the last question I found most interesting...

Why did God create you?

Kenney and I have talked and dwelt upon that statement for a couple of months now.  I am a believer in Christ and His word, I have read the bible, spent many a Sunday's in church, and sadly neither I nor Kenney answered that question accurately.

We knew we are to be followers of Christ, we knew we came to serve others and not ourselves, we knew we were loved by God, we knew we would spend eternity with Him as believers, but the basic, simple, fundamental question.... we just didn't have the basic, simple, fundamental answer to.  How did we miss the boat?  The answer:

Why did God create you, me, us?

For HIS Glory.

That thought has been at the basis of many of my thoughts lately. It is such a fundamental truth, that has changed my perspective greatly on many things. That God's main purpose for our existence is to reflect the glory of Jesus Christ. God gave us life so that with our bodies and minds and hearts we might draw attention to Jesus and make Him look as great as He really is.

That purpose does not change in our death.

For a Christian, eternal life begins when we except Christ as our Savior.  Death is no longer death for those in Christ.

I pulled up a sermon, or article by John Piper, as I often do and found a wonderful truth.

"Therefore the sting of death is gone. Death is no longer the terror that death used to be. Death is now a transition from life to better life,  from faith in Christ, to seeing Christ, from good fellowship with Jesus, to far better fellowship with Jesus, from mixtures of pain and pleasure, to all pleasure, from struggles with sin, to perfect affections for Jesus.  We have passed from death to life."

The apostle Paul says  "it is my eager expectation and hope that Christ will be honored in my body by death. For me to die is gain." Philippians 1:21

How do we glorify Christ in our death?  By treasuring Christ so much, that dying is felt as a gain.

For those of us left here we feel the present loss of a loved one. There are tears and weeping.  But we (believers) do not grieve like the rest of mankind who have no hope. (1 Thessalonians 4:13) Through the tears, there is a way to magnify and glorify Christ. When Job heard the news that all ten of his children were dead the bible says, "Job arose and tore his robe and shaved his head and fell on the ground and worshipped.  And he said, "Naked I came from my mothers womb, and naked shall I return. The Lord gave, and the Lord has taken away;  blessed be the name of the Lord!" (Job 1:20-21)

He wept as well as worshipped.

Christ is to be so real, so treasured, that we live and die in a way that shows He is our supreme treasure. He is what matters most to us. My daily struggle, Kenney's daily struggle is to treasure Jesus like that. 

"I count everything as loss because of the surpassing worth of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord."  Philippians 3:8

We sung this song today in church, and it has such meaning and truth I wanted to post the song, so I can go back and always remember.

No guilt in life, no fear in death,
This is the power of Christ in me;
From life's first cry to final breath.
Jesus commands my destiny.
No power of hell, no scheme of man,
Can ever pluck me from His hand;
Till He returns or calls me home,
Here in the power of Christ I'll stand.

Important Days

September 21, 2009 my littlest girl was born. Audrey Grace. She was gonna be a Charlotte, possibly, as that has always been one of our favorite names, along with Audrey. I know that in our Western culture we choose our children's names because we like the way they sound, or sometimes we just don't have a reason other than we just like the name.

We are some of those funny people who look to name our kids both on how the name sounds, but we also really like some meaning and significance to the name. I think about how in most Eastern cultures (including biblical times) names had such a meaning to them. They reminded people of a situation or of God's greatest blessings or miracles for their family.

My Grandmother, my Nanny was named Audrey Jane. She had 18 grand-kids, and double that in great-grand-kids. I did not spend all my weekends growing up with her. She wasn't the grandparent I called when I was in trouble. I didn't have too many in-depth discussions with her. She didn't raise me, and I was not her daughter. But, the things I do today, things I see in my dad, they are from her. She was always active. She volunteered her time for others always. Anyone was always welcome to visit her. You didn't have to call first, her back door was open and you could just pop in. She'd put coffee on, and pull out some type of sweet. Hospitable. She was into re-purposing before the word even existed. She stripped and refinished furniture, collected antiques, was always looking at garage sales for "deals."  She even canned! I think one of the only recipes I have from her is her pickled beets. (Funny how that is my Audrey's FAVORITE!) She was out-spoken, bold, strong, and opinionated, yet was humble and kind. She loved Jesus and served Him. Christmas Eve at Nanny's was wonderful. I think in my top 5 childhood memories ranks "Christmas Eve at my Nanny and Poppy's. 



This is how I remember Christmas. People everywhere, opening presents, having their own conversations,
 but all part of the larger event.



That's my Nanny and Poppy.  I wish I had a picture that captured the magnitude of Christmas decorations at their house.  The amount of Christmas villages was crazy!  They were everywhere, on top of china cabinets, tables, even shelves built on the wall!



My Audrey with her Nanny Audrey.  Our last holiday with Nanny.

 Then, there is another Audrey that Kenney and I loved. Kenney's Aunt Audrey. She was the only Aunt Kenney had that lived close. She helped make my wedding invitations and favors. She quilted. Oh did she quilt. I wish that I had taken the time to learn to quilt, because that is one thing I would LOVE to do and have NO IDEA how to. She passed away long before Audrey Grace was born and I unfortunately did not get to know her well at all.  But I think we would have gotten along great!

So for my little girl Audrey Grace born at 10am in the morning, September 21, 2009.  Her name is special as she is too!

Audrey at 2 years old is already independent and opinionated. She cares about all the other kids. She is the one to make sure if she gets a treat everyone else gets one too.  She is the best hug giver out of all the kids. She is calm and sweet and isn't a cry-baby. 

While I can't make her be the "Audrey's" she was named after, I can tell and show her the stories. Her name allows us to never forget the people in our life that have helped shape who we are.

Mommy, Daddy, Tommy and Noah love you Audrey! We are so happy to have a little girl like you in our family! May God grow you in His ways and make you a child of His!

The Things I Don't Say

If you know me well, or are a close family member of mine, you are reading the title and laughing.  You are probably laughing quite hard, because there isn't too much I don't say...


I am a bit loud, up-front, bold, obnoxious, talkative, and passionate, as well as some other things! Those things can be both a blessing, and my downfall.


God tells us to be ready to give a defense for the hope that is within us. (1 Peter 3:15)
He tells us to defend the cause of the weak and the fatherless. (Psalm 83:2-4)
He tells us to use our words to speak boldly for His cause. (Acts 4:28-30)


However, God also tells us that reckless words can pierce like swords, but words using wisdom can bring healing. (Proverbs 12:18) God also tells us to watch what we say, and guard our words to keep ourselves out of trouble. (Proverbs 21:23) And God also tells us to guard our lips and don't speak rashly. (Psalm 13:3)


OUCH!  Those are some obvious weaknesses of mine, and if you ask Kenney he would so be "amen-ing!"


The last of my seriousness for this post is this: I do not speak kindly enough most importantly to my husband. I do not always tell him the things I appreciate about him. I am thankful for the things he does for me and the family. I am thankful he is willing at 9:30 at night to run to Menards and get more pint jars because I made a bit too much salsa.  I am thankful he enjoys and is appreciative of whatever meal we eat, even if it's just frozen pizza, or a rosemary and bacon stuffed grilled portabella mushroom.  I am thankful he tries.  He pursues being a godly husband and a godly daddy.  He keeps his mouth shut (unlike me) and lets me ramble on about the zillion projects I think I am going to do.  When I say lets (fill in the blank) he doesn't shoot me down or criticize my crazy, irrational ideas!


About two months ago, I had the crazy idea to tear down our pantry, relocate it, add some cabinets or storage as well as a new 8 foot long counter top, basically do a kind of remodel. Oh yeah, pretty much no money in the budget either, so we needed to be resourceful and creative.  Kenney came home to this...

And then, the next day he came home to this...

Yep, all three of them, painting!  For real...painting!  And yep, that is Audrey in her underwear... painting!


Then, I realized I wouldn't have any upper cabinets and needed a space to put my spices.  So I asked Kenney to build me some kind of a spice rack.  Sounds easy enough.  Except... I have over 50 spices, the wall I wanted the rack on is a pocket door wall, so no studs, and I wanted it to match my cabinets.  By the way, Kenney does insurance not carpentry!  And yet, through all of this, he wasn't mad at me, no harsh words, no anger (okay most of the time) and he built me a spice rack!

It hangs from the rafters, so no need for support on the wall, and it matches the rest of the kitchen!  And yes, I. Use. Every. Single. Spice. (so much so, that I usually refill them all at least 2x a year)

I LOVE IT!

So this is for Kenney, for the things I don't say!

And this is for Kenney... if he can build me a great spice rack, what do you think about this in his future?

I love it! Four boys in our future?  Ya never know!