Things like THIS never happen...??

Wednesday night, way past my bed time, and I just can't fall asleep.  I was born a night owl, and it seems even 3 kids can't change that!  I decide that it would be a good idea to check the weather in both the cities our kiddos in China are at.  I might want to start thinking about packing, so to pack, I need to know the weather.

Finding that out leads me to wonder if I can find out about the "local" scene, you know the secret places everyone should visit, that no one knows about.  I decided to do random internet searches.  I'm just weird like that, typing in random words to see what pops up and what information I can find out about where my babies are from.

Somewhere among the zillion searches I did, I found a link to a yahoo group that is composed of people who have adopted, are adopting, associated with, etc the same city/province as Caleb is from.  Well of course I join the group.  Maybe to find some random pictures someone took and my baby is in the background, or maybe just to learn more about where Caleb is from.

I told them my name and Caleb's Chinese name, and said hello!

Hours later, I received an email from the DIRECTOR of Swallows Nest in Zhengzhou, with the question...

Is this your son?

 

That is my boy!  I emailed her back saying YES, YES, he is ours!!  She gave me her phone number and said she is actually in the States, so call to talk to her.  I have the phone number of the woman who is in charge of the care of my son, and she is American, and she speaks English.... at this point, I am so overwhelmed I am about ready to throw up! (either that or Kenney made pigs in a blanket for dinner, not quite sure which)


So we talked, and she told me about him, all about his hearing, who cares for him, his personality, etc.  Then she gave me the email of a lady doing an internship there, that cares for 6 of the kids, one of them being Caleb. Again, all within minutes, we are facebook friends and I am able to look through her photo albums, and see tons of beautiful pictures of my boy!  Then I find out she is a Christian, a real, Bible believing, John Piper-ish kind of Christian.  I see pictures of my boy being read the BIBLE!


She tells me to send all kinds of pictures of our family, she'll share them with Caleb, and get him ready for us to pick him up! She'll use lots of English too!  She said we can email her all the questions we have, and she'll do anything to answer us.  She even said that she has a very VERY special place in her heart for Caleb...


OVERWHELMED!


I can not tell you how crazy this is, every adoptive family wishes for a glimpse into their child's life that they can not be a part of, and here, I have a wide open picture window!


The best part is, I didn't pray for additional information, I didn't ask God for more information than we already had.  I have a couple of pictures and some medical information and that is it.  We were happy with that.  We were happy we had a 15 second video clip of Caleb.  It didn't bother us that we were never given updated information.  It didn't bother us that his medical information seemed so incomplete.  I can honestly say we really were at peace with our decision, and ready to face all the unknowns.  We kinda felt like Abraham.  In Hebrews it says , Abraham, by faith was called, and went out, not knowing where he was going.  So with our little boy, we didn't know where we were going, just that we were going!!!


God, in his perfect timing, infinite wisdom, His glorious self, choose to make known the unknowns for us.  Praise God!  

The difference between knowing and seeing- I've read verses in the Bible over and over, and I've quoted them, over and over, and used them over and over, but to have them be real.  To take root in my heart, so much so that they effect my life.... sadly it doesn't happen enough, but tonight, the verse, it became so real

Ephesians 3:20
Now to Him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to His power that is at work within us

and half a world away, a little boy sees his forever mommy and daddy for the first time

Peace and Fear

Kenney and I have been reading a daily meditation/devotion together for the last couple of weeks. This last week our devotions have seemingly all been the same. God knows what we need doesn't He?  I thought I would journal them and share with others as well.

Worship Him only. Whatever occupies your mind the most becomes your god. Worries, if indulged, develop into idols. Anxiety gains a life of its own, infesting and infecting your mind. Break free from the bondage by affirming your trust in Him and refreshing yourself in His presence. What goes on in your mind is invisible, unseen to other people, but He reads your thoughts, searching for evidence of trust in Himself. 

"He will have no fear of bad news; his heart is steadfast, trusting in the Lord." Psalm 112:7

God is your strength and shield. He plans out each day and has it ready for you long before you arise.  Instead of assessing your energy level and wondering about what's on the road ahead, concentrate on staying in touch with Him.

"The Lord is my strength and my shield; my heart trusts in Him, and I am helped. My heart leaps for joy and I will give thanks to Him in a song."  Psalm 28:7


"When I am afraid, I will trust in you. In God, whose word I praise, in God I trust."  Psalm 56:3


"Look to the Lord and His strength; seek His face always." Psalm 105:4


"For we walk by faith, not by sight."  2Corinthians 5:7

He is renewing your mind. When your thoughts flow freely they tend to move toward problems. Your focus gets snagged on a given problem, circling round and round it in attempts to gain mastery.  Your energy is drained away from other matters through this negative focus, worst of all you lose sight of HIM.  A renewed mind is presence-focused. Train your mind to seek Him in every moment, every situation. He is always present in your spirit. Seek His face, speak to Him, and He will light up your mind.

"Do not conform any longer to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind.  Then you will be able to test and approve what God's will is-His good, pleasing and perfect will."  Romans 12:2


"Look to the Lord and His strength; seek his face always." Psalm 105:4

God is with you and for you, you face nothing alone. When you feel anxious, know that you are focusing on the visible world, and leaving HIM out of the picture. The remedy-  fix your eyes on what is not seen but unseen! How ridiculous to grasp for future gifts when today's gift is set before you.

"So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen.  For what is seen is temporary; but what is unseen is eternal."  2Corinthians 4:18

The mind controlled by the spirit is life and peace.

"The mind of sinful man is death, but the mind controlled by the Spirit is life and peace." Romans 8:6

What a joy it has been to reflect on God's ALL POWERFUL being. To realize every single worry, problem, joy, stress, etc the world has to offer is NOTHING in comparison to God.  To realize I waste my precious time worrying, fearing, letting Satan plant those seeds in my heart... To realize daily I need to renew my mind, seek Him, look to Him, in EVERYTHING I do, to realize there is nothing outside of the realm of God.  Not our medical concerns, not our workplace problems, our children, our home, our finances, NOTHING escapes God's infinite wisdom.  He already has EVERYTHING planned out for me.  What comfort that has brought us. What peace our souls have received.  Even if the worst thoughts I could think happen to me, and NEVER get better, and I NEVER understand, it is ALL in God's realm, in His control, in His perfect plan for His sons and daughters. 

I awoke the other day to let the dogs out, and went out with them.  I saw the sun rising through the trees, the fog and early morning mist rising off of the pond. The trees glistened. It was breathtakingly beautiful.  Right here in northwest Indiana, during a cold February morning, I was able to see the beauty that God provided for me at my house on my pond, just for me.  I was content. 

And in heaven that is where the story would end, but here, I walked inside, Audrey was crying, and I re-read my own words... I need to seek Him ALWAYS!

"It's A Wonderful Life"

"Dear George, remember no man is a failure who has friends. Thanks for the wings, Love Clarence."

Strange, isn't it? Each man's life touches so many other lives. When he isn't around he leaves an awful hole, doesn't he?

And that is exactly how we felt this weekend. The people we didn't personally know, friends of friends, people who adopted themselves, people who cared, all kinds of people came to our "tasting party fundraiser." We raised almost $4,000 dollars to go towards the $9,700 dollars we have left.

I know it's just a movie, but I pretend it's not.  I can't image the feeling George Bailey must have had.  All those people in his house, coming to show him that they loved him.  People he never knew loved him.  People who loved people he loved, coming to love him.  People gave towards our adoption that didn't even know us!

I could say so much.  Kenney and I have so many thoughts swirling around in our heads.  God has used our adoption to teach us so, so very much.  His faithfulness, our lack of faith, His promises, our lack of trust, His mercies, His grace, His love.  We have had an incredible opportunity to have our eyes opened. The difference between knowing and seeing.  Jesus has become so much more real to us.

Thank you to every single person who has prayed, who has supported us, who gave to us without even knowing us. Thank you for helping us glorify our Father. Thank you for reminding us...

See George, you really had a wonderful life.

Pictures, Prayers, and Completly Sporadic

Literally minutes ago I received an email from our adoption agency with some updates on Isabell that I wanted to share.  Of course a new picture as well!

And so now, the reality of some things are really, really setting in.

Please pardon the complete randomness of this post, as I am doing it on a whim and totally just putting the thoughts in my head on this page.  I want to share this, and have something to go back and look at, so again, please understand the complete dis-organization!

Just looking at the picture and reading our updates we received, I realize we need so much prayer, so, so much prayer!  Isabell will be four on July 6th and doesn't walk at all yet.  I can see the way she is holding her body and arms in particular, and realize we have more than just clubbed hands and clubbed feet to deal with.  Her medical diagnosis she originally received may indeed be true (MOP/FOP).  If not that diagnosis then possibly some other "big" things to deal with.  We found out she doesn't speak either Cantonese or Mandarin, but a local dialect which is going to make us even learning a few words in advance nearly impossible.  She isn't potty trained.  Good news, she's not a picky eater they tell us though! She also weighs less than Noah (who thought that could be possible!) but is actually taller by nearly 3 inches than him!!!

Then, the biggy.... at least in my mind.  She has been, since found as a baby, in a foster home.  She has had the same foster mom and foster dad and one foster sister, who is the same age as her as well, and found as a baby too!  Oh does that hurt my heart tonight.  I watch my three kids play and realize how much they love each other, how important they are too each other.  I see so much improvement Noah has had because of Tommy and Audrey.  I see the way Audrey loves her brothers and loves playing with them.  I see how much they need each other and care for each other.  Just thinking about taking one of my children away from us, from the people they call mommy, daddy, sister, brother....I just cry.  I just break down and cry.  I can't think of any other response.

I am reminded that adoption is full of pain, suffering, and fear.  I am reminded that without sin, adoption would not exist.

I think of so many prayers I need right now.  Prayers for Isabell's health and what that is going to mean for our family.  Prayers for doctors, therapists, the right people at the right time is what we need.  Prayers for her healing.  I can not think of how she is going to feel towards us.  If you took me at age almost 4 from the people I love, the food, the language, the culture, the clothes, my toys, EVERYTHING.... and put me with a new family, culture, toys, food, language, well... I would probably hate you.  I know hate is a strong word, but I can't think of another that would be honest enough.

I know people like to "sugar-coat" these things, say it's all going to work out, say maybe it won't be that bad, maybe she'll just run to our arms and love us forever, but honestly, I do not feel God is preparing my heart for that.

the lines of a song have been in my head a couple days now, and I find them so fitting...

"I know I'm filled to be emptied again"

These words have been something I have been thinking about, and God has really been bringing to my attention daily.  This week alone, I've read four different posts on the subject, as well as heard two different radio programs.  (God has to sometimes kick me a bit it seems, before I get the point.) God has filled me up.  I manage my three kids great (most of the time).  This household for us, runs quite well, the daily routine, the schedule, the kids, Kenney, it's getting to be almost- dare I say- comfortable.  I like comfortable.  I like easy.  I like both a bit too much.  I find myself drawn towards comfort, drawn towards taking the easy way.  I have been reminded God didn't say the path was going to be easy for Christians.  I am reminded God didn't say it was going to be comfortable. 

What is coming up in the near future for our family is going to empty me.  I need God's grace and mercy.  I need to be weak so He can be strong.  I need to let go of my "comfortable" and "easy".  I need prayers.  I need to so desperately daily let go of myself.  I need to die to myself. 

Luke 9:23 And he said to all, “If anyone would come after me, let him deny himself and take up his cross daily and follow me.

I need to be reminded daily, what an important word for me. This isn't something, that I just learn and forget, and get to put a check mark on.  Every. Single. Day.  I need to die to myself.  I know I need this, I want so desperately to deny myself but, just like the apostle Paul says in Romans 7:15 For I do not understand my own actions. For I do not do what I want, but I do the very thing I hate. I realize so much I am a sinner.  I realize, that without Christ, I choose the easy way, the comfortable way.  I live for myself.  When Kenney said "who chooses this kind of thing" in his post, that is exactly what he was referring to.  As a sinner, he would NOT choose children with disabilities, children that cost too much, children a zillion miles away, as a sinner, he would choose the life that suited HIS needs best.  Oh, I praise God that He tells us that being crucified with Christ, the life we used to live according to the flesh, we can now live by faith in the Son of God, who loved us, and died for us.  I praise Him, that He lives in me, and daily I can die to myself, and live in Him.

Lastly, my heart carries such a burden for one particular little girl.  Isabell has a foster sister, who has many of the same special needs as she does, that has lived with her the entirety of both their lives.  They are not legally sisters, but by every other definition of what family and a sister is, she is that.  I do not have any answers on this one, only that she and I need prayer.  I knelt with Tommy tonight saying prayers, and over and over again, as on most nights, I find myself thinking about this little girl.  I do not know why this is on my heart, but I know God has a reason.  I covet prayers.  I feel my heart is so full of prayer requests, it really just might burst!

Isn't this little girl just the sweetest thing ever though?  She was created by my God, He knit her together in her mother's womb, He has a plan for her, He knows her heart, and loves her, and I will get to be a part of it all.  That is something to be so thankful for!

1 Samuel 16:7 ...For the LORD sees not as man sees:
 man looks on the outward appearance,
 but the LORD looks on the heart

This isn't how it's supposed to be...or is it?

--Posted by Kenney


As you know my amazing wife has a passion for writing and this is my turn at blogging...oh boy.


When I think back at "my" plans it did not include the current path we are on.


Rewind 10-15 years-


During college I had aspirations to be a musical performer.  I had my first piece of music published when I was 16 and thought the 'Polish Cowboy' was the next biggest thing to hit Nashville.  Laura teases me still after all these years but is still my biggest fan.  Nashville wasn't as excited about "the Polish Cowboy" as I was and didn't have the welcome wagon out for me I learned quickly that the door was closed for me.


Then in late my late teens and early 20's this awkward frame of mine started doing things with a baseball and bat that garnished a future with a certain motor town team and I was headed full steam until that door was closed for me with both ankles requiring lateral collateral ligament repairs. Door closed again.


Still passionate about baseball and those I played with, I took the education I received and started a sports management business.  A few years of success and being one of the youngest agents out there, I was out to show the world what "I" could do.  But, the lifestyle that goes with the off-field activities crept into me and too soon I found myself with a gambling problem, drinking problem and partying problem. Living by "worldly" standards I found myself searching and lost. At that time I met my wife, and I accepted Christ. Well, God and Laura weren't too thrilled about the sport's management business and that door was very quickly closed.


Laura and I married in 2006 and we began our life together planning our future.  We were blessed with Tommy in 2007 and felt the calling to adopt NOW and not AFTER we were done having our "own" children.  (note I cringe at using the word "own", as Noah, and any of my children, adopted or not ARE, my OWN) I tell the story all the time of the day in January 2008 when Laura called me at work and told me we needed to be in Russia in 2 weeks, which was completely out of the blue as our paperwork wasn't even completed yet; then she called me ten minutes later and told me she was pregnant.  We  looked to God and asked "do we continue with the adoption or do we only pursue one child at a time?"  We were reminded in scripture in Thessalonians 5:24 "He who calls you is faithful, and He will do it." It gave us comfort  in knowing we were not alone in this and His plan was unfolding.  A few weeks later and many flights to Russia, Noah arrived, shortly followed by Audrey being born healthy and no issues during the pregnancy.


It seemed like everything was going full steam until we decided to drive our future again. We drew plans for a 4500+ square foot house and even called it "Rustic Elegance".  Then as many felt the bubble pop on the housing market we were left with two houses, one that someone got a great deal on and one that a renter destroyed.  Of course, the destroyed one is the one we ultimately were going to tear down and build "Rustic Elegance" but with two mortgages, overseas many times and now 3 young kids under 3 we now live in the house that has both a golden harvest AND a rose colored tub!  I know you are jealous! We had been provided and blessed abundantly and when we tried to steer our future; you guessed it-someone closed the door.  (On a side note, I pause and thank God that during this time he sent my cousin Scott from Nashville up to help and for 6 weeks, he repaired the the inside of the house for us.  He felt the need to be there and help, and I think we would have lost our minds without him.)


You may have read the other posts regarding our craziness at that time and during that time our growing family of five in the 1800 square foot house with lovely harvest gold and rose colored bathrooms welcomed Laura's brother and sister in law into our home and their new baby as they needed a place to stay for 6 months... 2 1/2 years later they were able to move out into a home 10 minutes away so the kids can still see each other weekly. They sure do love each other like brothers and sisters instead of cousins. We decided taking care of the immediate need was more important than our future ones.  Now, we look back at 8 people, 2 dogs, 1 cat and 1 fish tank that cohabited in our house, and kinda miss it!


Crazy and hectic it was, but you know something?  That door was NEVER shut for us. Everything fell into place, and anything we tried to do other than live together and keep things the way they were just didn't work. Doors shut, and doors opened.


One of my closest friends taught me early in my walk with the Lord that sometimes it's good to not pray for doors to open in life, but to pray for doors to be closed that God doesn't want us going down.  Odd; this lesson was being taught to me only recently however in application the "doors" all along were being shut. Doors that I look back on and wonder if I did go through them what unknowns lay ahead, frighten me.


So, we are back in February of this year and I met with my two  friends that met everyThursday morning to encourage each other, read scripture and seek wisdom for our lives. I shared with them Laura and I felt our hearts being called to a door of adoption again, and honestly we just weren't sure. We prayed that if this was to be, or not, that God would close this door if he didn't want us going down it.


It was at this time we were looking at special needs children. Were we prepared for this? Again, we prayed for God to close the door if he didn't want us to go down that path.  But, with my employment, healthcare is provided readily and with Noah, and having 3-4 different therapists in our home weekly we just couldn't seem to close the door on special needs, it just seemed to be very loud and clear to us that we REALLY DO have the resources to take care of these children.  Then regarding children... I remember on our first trip to Russia sitting in the orphanage directors office; seeing the conditions and being so moved by the Spirit, I blurted out I want to adopt two instead of one.  It was too late in the game to call an audible so I told Laura if we were ever called down this road again, we would look at potentially adopting two.  Again we prayed for God to close the door if he only wanted us to adopt one.  The story of how we arrived at our two children is an amazing one, but another story in and of itself. Needless to say, the door remained very very open for us to adopt two.


In general our adoption process was quick and had no barriers or obstacles that MANY if not most adopting families encounter, Our door just kept staying open. Every single time we second guessed ourselves, faithfully God reminded us each and every time this door is open and for us to go down.  
We have struggled with where we have been led. (remember, we are still sinners living in a fallen world)  Five kids under five?  In fact, Tommy will still be four when they arrive home from China; so technically five kids under four?


Are we crazy? (don't answer that)-



The kiddos... reminding us of how blessed we already are!



Who in their right mind "chooses" this.  Already blessed with 3 children, who elects to take every penny found in the house and bank, and go out and bring home a child that is deaf and one that may never walk? Who does this? Who wants the stresses, the bills, the unknowns; who chooses that. Each time we have been led to this door and we have many times had the chance to close the door on our own, it remained not only open, but it seemed there was a giant shove behind us into it, and we have faithfully entered.


So is this how it is supposed to be?  If the doors haven't been shut, the answer is clear, for us. 

We hope and pray that with God much needed grace in our lives we can faithfully do what God wants of us, to one day hear..

Matthew 25:21  "Well done, good and faithful servant. You have been faithful over a little; I will set you over much.  Enter into the joy of your Master"

What I Need this Christmas.

What do you want for Christmas...?

The question flies around this time of the year and I've spent so much time thinking about what I want and what I need this year.

I see suffering around me. I feel daily the failure I am as the mommy GOD wants me to be. I worry about my kids. I worry about my marriage. I wonder sometimes how I will wake up in the morning and get my kids ready, let alone myself. I feel lost. I feel confused. I feel like my flesh wages such a warfare with my spirit. I want things I don't need. I am scared to death about the capabilities I will have as a mommy to Isabell and Caleb. Will I be what they need?  Will I be able to help their hearts heal?  Will we all learn sign-language enough to communicate to Caleb he is loved?  What if Isabell never walks?  What if we never recover financially?  I worry about our house. Will it be big enough?  Is it too big? I fight feelings of jealously over others homes and stuff and kids and marriages. I don't have the answers to the questions I am asked and feel the failure, the pressure. I don't say the things I need to say. I spend time with the lost, and don't share the gospel. I question my own heart.  I question my motives. I fail. Over and over again I fail. I sin.
What do I need for Christmas?

I need God HERE. With me. Helping me. Caring for me. Loving me. I need unconditional love. I need someone to look past my failures. I need God HERE.
Emmanuel, God with us.

Oh, those words they have medicated my soul. Emmanuel, my God has come to be with us.

Jesus was born a man. He was born in a stable. He was born in filthy conditions. Things like blood, sweat, feces, a placenta, an umbilical cord, pain, tears, they were present when Jesus was born. He was born just like you and I. Born to be a man WITH us. Rarely have I ever realized the humanness of His birth. Those words they just aren't "churchy." They just didn't fit in the manger scene I had. For me, Jesus' birth was almost un-touchable. Un-approachable. Something so Holy, I could not be a part of. Holy indeed, but human. Jesus came here, to live among our mess, our dysfunction, our sin, our failures. He came here.  Even more awe-invoking is the fact that He did this for us. He did this to save us from our rebellion to HIMSELF. While I was a sinner, cursing Him, not trusting Him, failing Him, denying Him, He came to live here with us in this mess, to be Emmanuel, God with us.

He came for the potty-mouth talking kids. He came for the greedy, for the jealous, for the moms who let their children down, for the lonely, for the liars, for the thieves, for those who deny Him, for those that work too much, for the sick, for the widow, for the orphan, for all of us, for me.

Emmanuel, God with us. He is NOT untouchable. He is not far away. He is here, with us.

This Christmas I need God with me. I need Emmanuel. Praise God He came. He is with us. It is my hearts desire this Christmas to share Emmanuel with my children. To show them Jesus is real, with us, approachable.  We can bring our real, filthy, weary, dirty selves to Him.

The real words out of Jesus' mouth:"Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest."
Matthew 11:28

What I learned from Noah

Hebrews 13:5  Never will I leave you, Never will I forsake you.

To my Noah,

You and me, we are a lot a like. We butt heads though. The love I have for you is a tough love, a love that isn't always evident or obvious. Sometimes, I don't do a very good job of showing you my love. Sometimes I fail you as a mommy.  But I want you to know that I love you because Jesus loves me, and loves you. He loved us first. His love for us was not because we loved Him. And so Noah, my love for you is not because of something you do, or because of your love for me.  I love you first, with, or without your love back. I love you.

We are sitting in your room today and I am asking you why you won't eat your now third meal of the day. It's so frustrating. We even had your favorite, dare I say it... chicken nuggets... for dinner, and yet you still refuse to eat. I know you are hungry. I know you are mad about something. I know you need to tell me, to use your words and share with me why it is you are angry. But you won't. You scowl, and throw a fit and have a meltdown, for now the third meal of the day.

Thoughts now run through my mind.  We've given you new clothes to wear. We've given you toys all of your own. You've gotten treats and meals and had a full tummy every day in our home. We tell you we love you, we tuck you in and hug and kiss you every night. We tell you every single day we will never leave you. We tell you and show you that you can trust us. We've met your needs. I expected you would soak up my love like a thirsty sponge.  And yet, you break your toys and could care less about them. You refuse to eat, you sometimes try hiding food in your mouth or not chewing or over stuffing your mouth and choking. You have been insatiably selfish, you always want more, nothing is ever enough for you. At night when you are scared and I hold you and tell you there is nothing to be afraid of, you still are afraid. You stiffen up like a board and do not find comfort in my arms.

Almost three years we've spent together and I find myself angry. I want so desperately for you to find comfort in your mommy. I want you to be happy and trust me. Trust me. And there I am sitting staring at you in your room. I have no idea how to proceed. I am fighting feelings of anger, and frustration. I find myself desperately praying for help. 

But our God, He is so merciful and so gracious.  His love for us, for me, is nothing short of amazing. Grace. I prayed for help. God gave me grace.

Grace. What a gift. There is no better a gift than grace. 

All the garbage in my life started circling in my head. 

I am God's adopted child. He has adopted me as His own. Given me a new life, clothed me in His righteousness. He has made me a co-heir with Jesus. I have an inheritance that is un-destroyable. He has blessed me. And yet, even today, I have asked for more. I have been given a warm and cozy home, and I treat it like it's not enough. I ask for more. I complain that I don't have enough, over and over again. I cry out in fear and God is there all-knowing my future, and I turn away. I do not seek Him for my comfort. I try and do it on my own. I rely on others, on myself, I do not hand it over to Him. God longs to be intimate with me, to show me the fullness of His presence, His freedom, His hope. I turn away. He promises He will never leave or forsake me, and I can be overcome with fear.  Without the Holy Spirit, I would continue to live my live as an orphan. I say I am His child, and daily I turn away from His banquet table and eat scraps. 

Noah, there is only one hope for us. Our God is a faultless father.  He knew us before the foundation of the earth. He was there when we breathed our first breath. He knit us together in our mother's wombs. He knows our thoughts, our fears. He knows exactly how to help us. He does not grow tired, or lose His temper. He loves us so much. He lovingly restores, forgives, and sanctifies us, all with a greater patience than we can imagine.

I am so thankful Noah, that I have you. God has given me a gift.  He has allowed you to show me how much I need Him. Without you Noah, I forget that I am just like you. You have humbled me, crushed some of my pride. I need so much refining and without you, I would have been content without change, and now I see how much my heart needs change, needs to be more and more like Christ. Without you, I would have been stuck. I am so happy that God loves me enough to change me and grow me. I am so thankful that you have given me a real and intimate picture of myself. God gives us what we need. I needed you, and am thankful for that.

I love you,
Love Mommy