posted by Kenney
I have the privilege of being the son of a US Army Veteran that
served in the Vietnam era. The brother in law to both an Army and Marine
soldier. The grandson of an Army soldier. The nephew of a Marine, Navy, and Army
servicemen and friend of many who have served. One thing that has always stuck with me each time I hear it in speeches or movies is how our military "leaves
no one behind."
When I examine
what that means in my civilian life and how I can apply that honorable "code"
of living in Northwest Indiana - where there are corn fields all around us and the
closest military action I ever will see is sand bagging around my house to deal
with floods- I've decided this is as close as it's gonna get.
When we started the Chinese adoption process nearly two years ago, we were given "access" to a database of some of the waiting children. Each child on the list was given a pseudo name in English for child protection and easy identification.
Laura and I have always adored the name "Charlotte." In our
history, we talked about naming a little girl by that name. If Tommy was a girl, that's the name we were going to use. Then Noah came along, and obviously was not a Charlotte. Then Audrey, who at the time it felt right to name her Audrey as a namesake to her Grandmother "Nanny" and my Aunt Audrey.
Two women of impeccable character and women we looked up to. Caleb, obviously not a Charlotte, and Isabell, who again, Charlotte just didn't fit. In fact Laura has told her sisters that if any of them ever have little girls, the name "Charlotte" is off the table for them. Period. She means business. Don't go there. (You gotta know Laura to get the seriousness of this statement. Seriously)
Back to the database of waiting
There was a girl on the
database with the name "Charlotte." We found out her Chinese name was Yawen. A little girl with a cute round face, full of life eyes, and a diagnosis of Cerebral Palsy. Of course Laura gravitated to her file and requested information on her (this was before we had even looked at the files of our Isabell and Caleb) however she was not available at the time, some other family somewhere had her file and was possibly adopting her. Since her file was not available, Laura prayed for her.
She prayed that a family would care for this little "Charlotte" and prayed for her to
find a forever family. We continued to look at children on the waiting list and eventually found our Isabell and Caleb, locked in their files and proceeded to bring them home to be a part of our family.
forward 1 year.
Laura and I are in China for a week at this point. We have our
Caleb and we are now in Guiyang, China picking up Isabell. We arrived in a small
office in a part of China that MAYBE has two-four adoptions a year. We are chatting with Isabell's foster family.
Here is where the story starts to
Through all the questions we had for the foster family we find out that Isabell has
a foster sister that lives with them too and she's available for adoption. Her foster sister's
was Isabell's foster sister and the odds of 2000+ children on the waiting list in a country
with over a million orphans, knowing these two girls were actually living together in a remote
part of the country. Knowing they grew up together. Knowing all of this, well, Laura knew one thing.....God was moving.
I on the other hand did not feel the
movement. In fact, any form of "movement" I was feeling I chalked it up to indigestion and jet lag. Once we got back to Indiana, I suppressed any knowledge of that feeling, I hid deep in the recesses of my heart what I knew. I denied what my own heart knew. I was overwhelmed on many fronts; knowing we now had five
children - five and under, some with special needs, some with a misdiagnosis that was way more complicated and difficult than what I had planned. Knowing this information, put much fear and much
trepidation in my heart. How would I continue to lead our family? How could I
provide for all of our children in each of their unique needs? All I could think about was our small-mustard colored house that we lived in that needed repair and
remodeling for a, gulp, wheelchair. I would wake up at night scared not knowing what lies ahead for us. All I could think about was the unique needs each of our children seemed to have and I as the leader of my household had no idea how to guide them or direct them or help them. I felt that I was not leading very well at all, so to add more to lead was surely a bad idea if I couldn't even manage these five. It was all about what I felt was best. All about what I wanted. All about what I knew I needed to control.
I went into a season of "enough". I
reached my "enough". Circle the wagons, it was time for internal focus on what
I was living for. By July of last year, Laura had brought up to me several
times "Charlotte" and it broke her heart. Weeping like I never saw, she would
stand before me saying her heart breaks that Isabell's sister is there and we can't bring her home. She just cried over and over again, that she felt like there was just to many "miracles" that this was our Charlotte. I would just think to myself, someone
else can handle that. I can't handle another little girl, let alone another little girl with Cerebral Palsy.
I would just
look at her with a cold stare and even colder heart. Refusing to see the hurt
in my wife, refusing to help her deal with this, refusing to partner with my
partner....I didn't just build a hedge....I built a wall stronger than Fort
Knox. Discussions on the topic of "Charlotte" turned into arguments and then to
fights. I refused to listen to Laura, or even talk with her about it- I kept my wagons circled. I failed
Laura as a husband during this time. One Saturday afternoon; it got bad. Really really bad.
Laura and I argued for the
morning and into afternoon and to make a long story short, her parents got involved in our "conversations." Her dad took me out for a drink to have a "guy to guy" talk. I explained to him about "Charlotte" and the
story, except the story was my story, and only a half truth of a story- and after the conversation He agreed we should be on the same page, because based on what I told him (the lie that God wasn't calling me) we weren't on the same page. I won that battle; for whatever worth that was. We came back and shared I had told Laura's dad about Charlotte. When Laura heard I told her dad about Charlotte, and told him a story that wasn't all true she knew the "conversations" were over. I watched a piece of my wife die that day, and I knew it.
We didn't talk about "Charlotte" anymore.
I didn't pray for her anymore, I didn't pray about what God's will for my life was. I felt like I won. I felt it was time to really begin living my life. After all I had done enough.
I didn't speak about this to anyone. I didn't tell my accountability
partners. I didn't share about what had happened with any of my Christian friends. I knew I was a "fake" Christian. I knew I wasn't being honest with anyone. I knew what God wanted of me, though. I just knew it.
...and the sheep listen to his voice. He calls his own sheep by name and leads them out. When he has brought out all his own, he goes on ahead of them, and his sheep follow him because they know his voice. Matthew 10: 3b-4
Then one day I remember praying. I remember being on my knees. I remember opening my hands and asking God what he wanted of me. It clicked. My eyes became open through the
Spirit that I was being called to pray for "Charlotte" again. This started
slowly. I prayed for a good month or two. Then one day I remember being on the phone with Laura and the words just slipped out,
"we need to go back and bring her sister home."
So, Laura and I talked about it with each other. We can't bring every orphan home. We don't know what the future brings. We had no idea how all the details were going to work out or if they were even going to work out. We might be making a huge mistake. This may be one of the most difficult things we do. This may be a bigger challenge than we can even imagine. But one thing for sure, it has taught me than living with open hands is the best way to live. Letting God use me, however he pleases is the place to be. Putting the focus on what God wants instead of what I want is where peace and comfort are found.
This means six children ages six and under.
So with that, China is in our destination again. In fact, I
leave tomorrow to go back to bring "Charlotte" home and forever be our
I can now look back and see some of the ways God moved. In the very beginning, in something as simple as a name planted in our hearts. In meeting her foster parents, In bringing Isabell home first, In the therapists we have, in the time we've spent getting used to heading to Shriners all the time, in the drawing me closer to Himself.
We've decided to apply the motto "Leave No One Behind" and not leave our little Charlotte an orphan any longer.