And so now, the reality of some things are really, really setting in.
Please pardon the complete randomness of this post, as I am doing it on a whim and totally just putting the thoughts in my head on this page. I want to share this, and have something to go back and look at, so again, please understand the complete dis-organization!
Just looking at the picture and reading our updates we received, I realize we need so much prayer, so, so much prayer! Isabell will be four on July 6th and doesn't walk at all yet. I can see the way she is holding her body and arms in particular, and realize we have more than just clubbed hands and clubbed feet to deal with. Her medical diagnosis she originally received may indeed be true (MOP/FOP). If not that diagnosis then possibly some other "big" things to deal with. We found out she doesn't speak either Cantonese or Mandarin, but a local dialect which is going to make us even learning a few words in advance nearly impossible. She isn't potty trained. Good news, she's not a picky eater they tell us though! She also weighs less than Noah (who thought that could be possible!) but is actually taller by nearly 3 inches than him!!!
Then, the biggy.... at least in my mind. She has been, since found as a baby, in a foster home. She has had the same foster mom and foster dad and one foster sister, who is the same age as her as well, and found as a baby too! Oh does that hurt my heart tonight. I watch my three kids play and realize how much they love each other, how important they are too each other. I see so much improvement Noah has had because of Tommy and Audrey. I see the way Audrey loves her brothers and loves playing with them. I see how much they need each other and care for each other. Just thinking about taking one of my children away from us, from the people they call mommy, daddy, sister, brother....I just cry. I just break down and cry. I can't think of any other response.
I am reminded that adoption is full of pain, suffering, and fear. I am reminded that without sin, adoption would not exist.
I think of so many prayers I need right now. Prayers for Isabell's health and what that is going to mean for our family. Prayers for doctors, therapists, the right people at the right time is what we need. Prayers for her healing. I can not think of how she is going to feel towards us. If you took me at age almost 4 from the people I love, the food, the language, the culture, the clothes, my toys, EVERYTHING.... and put me with a new family, culture, toys, food, language, well... I would probably hate you. I know hate is a strong word, but I can't think of another that would be honest enough.
I know people like to "sugar-coat" these things, say it's all going to work out, say maybe it won't be that bad, maybe she'll just run to our arms and love us forever, but honestly, I do not feel God is preparing my heart for that.
the lines of a song have been in my head a couple days now, and I find them so fitting...
"I know I'm filled to be emptied again"
These words have been something I have been thinking about, and God has really been bringing to my attention daily. This week alone, I've read four different posts on the subject, as well as heard two different radio programs. (God has to sometimes kick me a bit it seems, before I get the point.) God has filled me up. I manage my three kids great (most of the time). This household for us, runs quite well, the daily routine, the schedule, the kids, Kenney, it's getting to be almost- dare I say- comfortable. I like comfortable. I like easy. I like both a bit too much. I find myself drawn towards comfort, drawn towards taking the easy way. I have been reminded God didn't say the path was going to be easy for Christians. I am reminded God didn't say it was going to be comfortable.
What is coming up in the near future for our family is going to empty me. I need God's grace and mercy. I need to be weak so He can be strong. I need to let go of my "comfortable" and "easy". I need prayers. I need to so desperately daily let go of myself. I need to die to myself.
Luke 9:23 And he said to all, “If anyone would come after me, let him deny himself and take up his cross daily and follow me.
I need to be reminded daily, what an important word for me. This isn't something, that I just learn and forget, and get to put a check mark on. Every. Single. Day. I need to die to myself. I know I need this, I want so desperately to deny myself but, just like the apostle Paul says in Romans 7:15 For I do not understand my own actions. For I do not do what I want, but I do the very thing I hate. I realize so much I am a sinner. I realize, that without Christ, I choose the easy way, the comfortable way. I live for myself. When Kenney said "who chooses this kind of thing" in his post, that is exactly what he was referring to. As a sinner, he would NOT choose children with disabilities, children that cost too much, children a zillion miles away, as a sinner, he would choose the life that suited HIS needs best. Oh, I praise God that He tells us that being crucified with Christ, the life we used to live according to the flesh, we can now live by faith in the Son of God, who loved us, and died for us. I praise Him, that He lives in me, and daily I can die to myself, and live in Him.
Lastly, my heart carries such a burden for one particular little girl. Isabell has a foster sister, who has many of the same special needs as she does, that has lived with her the entirety of both their lives. They are not legally sisters, but by every other definition of what family and a sister is, she is that. I do not have any answers on this one, only that she and I need prayer. I knelt with Tommy tonight saying prayers, and over and over again, as on most nights, I find myself thinking about this little girl. I do not know why this is on my heart, but I know God has a reason. I covet prayers. I feel my heart is so full of prayer requests, it really just might burst!
Isn't this little girl just the sweetest thing ever though? She was created by my God, He knit her together in her mother's womb, He has a plan for her, He knows her heart, and loves her, and I will get to be a part of it all. That is something to be so thankful for!
|1 Samuel 16:7 ...For the LORD sees not as man sees:|
man looks on the outward appearance,
but the LORD looks on the heart